The Adventure Never Stops

Hey Y'all,

I'm currently sitting in the Louisville airport headed back to Albany, New York after a very quick but great weekend spent in Kentucky to celebrate Kaylee's wedding! It's still such a concept to wrap my head around that almost 2 years ago she told me about how she got engaged while sitting together at midnight in the middle of a Steak and Shake restaurant and she hid her ring from me so that she could tell the story with the most dramatic flare that she could and then show me her ring as a surprise. We both have a little taste for exaggeration.

And now she's a wife. A beautiful bride and a beautiful ceremony that took me and my old coworkers to the southern parts of Kentucky to her and her husband's (gasp...she's MARRIED) home town of Somerset. It was all very much exactly how she wanted it to be and how she had described it and I couldn't be happier for her and Jay. After their honeymoon, the two will live in Lexington where Jay will finish out his schooling to be a Doctor of medicine and she recently got a job in Lexington as well. 

Doesn't that just sound like a dream? 

No, I'm not jealous this is their life for the next week...not at all. Have fun Kaylee and Jay!

Gosh dangit, everyone can stop growing up and getting their lives all situated now! I changed my mind I don't want to be an adult!

As much as I do want to talk about the wedding and how it was mostly family and us friends from grad school, and how we were the only ones on the dance floor and everyone said we had the accents, not the other way around and how one of the groomsman started to hit on my very un-single friend so we were going to pretend to be lesbian lovers (since we basically are..totally joking! But it was our on-going joke since we have slept in the same bed more times in the past month than she has even seen her boyfriend so take that how you will) but since we were in the south we figured that would maybe not be a joke to be taken lightly (and probably anger an otherwise un-bridezilla like bride) I want to finish up my summer time adventure stories. (Kaylee, you'll be on your honeymoon anyway so the timing is perfect)

The last real week of my time in Carbondale was a very special time for me. I will think of it fondly and those who helped make it special for me. I got the chance to say good bye to my old office and bosses and coworkers. My director was complimentary and assured me that I could always reach out if I needed them. And then I said good bye to Lane, my direct supervisor, boss. I went in knowing full well that I was going to cry like a baby but tried really hard not too. Shocker. I cried. And he told me some last advice and that he was proud of me and to go spread my wings. 

Cue all of the emotions like ever just come gushing out. Ugh.

Don't do it!! Hold it together! 

I about fell to the floor, how was I supposed to navigate being a professional without him? It will be very hard to not hold any future boss to his level. We learned a lot together and he welcomed me as one of his own family and I will forever be appreciative of that. I was able to count on him when I made mistakes or needed help but knew that he would always have my back to let me take on new responsibilities and try things out on my own and he let me fail a few times. But he was always there when I had problems. He was understanding when I needed to take time off for me and was there for me when I got broken into. He was much more than just a boss who I only saw behind a desk. I worked hard for him to make sure I never let him down. That’s the sign of a good leader, someone who you want to work for and not just go through the motions. 

I left the Rec Center, my home of the past two years and it was a very surreal and very scary moment. Everyone said that I was ready and that I was prepared because of what the Rec had taught me but was that the case? Guess we’ll have to wait and find out for sure. 

That weekend was the 4th of July and I spent the 4th with my Rec friends hiking and swimming in lakes and rivers. Than we went to a neighboring town to watch fireworks and had a little picnic while celebrating America’s birthday with explosives and wine. It was perfect. I got covered in mosquito bites and we swam in dirty lake water but it was refreshing and care free. I was with people who are genuine and real. They made me feel apart of their clan, accepted and appreciated for being nothing other than me. And it was the perfect little ending to my time in Carbondale, as I had started my journey with the GA’s on a camping retreat on that same lake 2 years before. Same place, same lake, but a completely different girl.

We were forced into working together, being Graduate Assistants and thus we had no choice but to have a relationship, albeit it could have been just work but I was fortunate enough to become really great friends with all of the GA’s. And I hope to stay in touch.

Pull yourself together, Woman!!

I spent Sunday cleaning my apartment and finishing packing my last few things. I ended up tossing a bunch of stuff since if it didn’t fit in Pearl, my little car, it wasn’t coming. And one by one, my friends who were still around all stopped by to help pack a little but mostly just to be with me and chat, get our last good byes. We reminisced and laughed and I tried not to cry. I made it til they left and then would lose it and would have to do it all over again. I didn’t know a human being could make so many tears, it’s so exhausting. 

One person said they would come back and say good bye but this good bye was going to be the hardest. But they never did. 

I can’t lie, this hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I waited and worried and then I got deeply sadden because I realized all I wanted was to just be with that one person. Out of all my friends and people that I cared about I just wanted to sit in my empty living room and laugh with them like we had so many other times before. I felt very alone and realized that I would have to get used to that feeling in New York. This was my reality. They didn’t want to be with me. Maybe because it was too hard or because they were busy, or couldn’t be bothered. And then I got mad and when I did see them, it wasn’t pretty.

I wish I could go back and not drive off like I did. I wish we could remember why we fought and I miss them too much to be mad anymore. But I hope they know that I wish they were right here and that we were all good and playing yahtzee. I hope they know I’ll never forget them as long as I live. They always knew how to push my buttons and they gave me everything and nothing but we always seemed to work it out. But when it mattered, and I wished they would have been there, they weren’t. And so, I guess that’s where wishing gets me. Watching Criminal Minds reruns, drinking wine, blogging and missing people I shouldn't. Living the dream, I am, living the dream.

*drinks more wine*

The only thing left to do was grab my friend Sophie and make our way to Albany, New York. So we headed up to Detroit to stay with a friend before driving through Canada just to say we did to go through Niagara Falls the following day. The first day of driving was less than spectacular. We saw a lot of the corn fields of Illinois and Indiana. I’ll show you what about 499 of the 500 miles we drove through looked like…

So. Much. Corn. CORN EVERYWHERE

Yeah… it’s super boring but we had the radio and she had to drive partly because my eyes were watering from allergies…*coughcough yeah sure “allergies” cough* It kinda all hit me as we left the state of Illinois and I didn't know when and if I would ever be back to that state. And then we drove next to a corn field and the allergies hit me like a ton of bricks.

But we finally got to Detroit and got to visit with an old friend and see how he has his life all together with his big boy job and his own little bachelor pad. But because it was the middle of the week our stay was short and we had to leave early in the morning as he had the big boy job to go to.

And I’ll write about our second day of traveling and the epic-ness of Niagara Falls!

To be continued!

Buckle up, it's about to get really real

*Warning this is a blog post where I get really real and let you into my very guarded world. If you like your perception of me, and don’t want to see me in a different light that I don’t suggest you continue reading. Skip to the next blog post.

Hey,

This is maybe not the best timing but I have had a few days of some really intense days with my own thoughts and I hope this helps me. My therapist thinks it will help me and my therapist says their no time like the present and I usually listen to him so this is about to get a little real but here it goes.

So...where were we? 

I finished with teaching my roommate how to drive and have since heard that he passed his permit exam and is on his way to being a fully licensed driver. Kudos to that guy but how scary is it that there's someone out there on the road ways that was taught by none other than me? Hahaha suckers…

I also got my very first (and probably very last) tattoo. Now. For those that know my family this may come as a shock since the rule growing up and still currently is that if the Allen kids want to stay in the will and to be invited back for any holidays you can't have two things: toe rings or tattoos.

Dad and Mom are old school and this was the rule. We could come back with a crazy gothic boyfriend or say we joined a band and was dropping out of school to backpack through Asia and we most likely wouldn't get their automatic blessing, there would be a definite sit down and come to Jesus moment to be had but we wouldn't be shunned automatically. The other 2 though...all bets were off.

So why the big rebellious move? It wasn't to stick it to my parents. This wasn't and will never be about them. It's tough growing up. Life is hard. I grew up very blessed and very safe and had nice things. But life has a funny way of forcing you to grow up the hard way. And I am a very sensitive person. I feel all the feels for real all the time. I cry and I hurt when I should let feelings go but I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's been quite the ride these past 6 years since I moved away from the daily routine of high school and my very comfortable life living at home. Lots of downs. Lots of ups too. I moved across the country. Twice. I made friends. I lost even more. I was rejected by schools, jobs and internships and even by professors/mentors/coaches saying I wouldn't make it or wasn't good enough for x,y,z, etc because of a,b,c etc.  

And I have been hiding from myself and others for a long time. Shortly before I moved away to UC Davis, I went to my first high school party. I got brave and lied about where I was going and things got out of hand and some decisions were made that were rather poor. I was sexually assaulted. I left that party a different person, scarred and frightened but quietly I got out and didn't tell anyone what had happened. Little did I know that pushing it away and pretending that nothing happened wouldn't solve my problems. If anything they worsened as time went on. I told my closest friend and she told me to get help. I brushed it off and said that it was partly my own fault and there wasn't anything to do and that I wouldn't. And so I became a very unhappy, conflicted person. I turned to toxic things to distract myself. Through time and some random therapy attempts but mostly dealing with it on my own I was alright. I told a few close friends if I felt like I needed to but otherwise it was my little, dirty, dark secret that I was ashamed of. 

And then I had a very close friend get attacked and raped at her school. I was heart broken for her but because I felt that I had let her down. I somehow led her to her demise because I was also assaulted and tried to run from it and pretend it didn’t happen. But because of my story she did what I never could. She reported it. And that terrible human got what he had coming and she broke his nose but not without leaving her permanently affected and not for the better. If I could go back I would have done things with my own story differently. I would haven’t had that last drink. I wouldn’t have stayed out. I would have gone home. I would have told. I would have prosecuted. But I didn’t. And these are the cards I was dealt and the outcome is the outcome. I can’t change that. But don’t think for one second that I think all victims are the same or that girls shouldn’t come forward. I also know that some girls use it as a means of revenge. Look up the case concerning UC San Diego students recently. But also know that I do think and know that there is a very sickening rape culture in today’s world and not many people are able to comprehend that perpetuating it is happening daily. But not teaching our girls to protect themselves isn’t right either. I knew the dangers but only like that of a person understanding that yes, getting on in a car could mean it could potentially crash but it most likely won’t happen to me. I didn’t think it would. And here I am. It unfortunately happens much more than we realize. And we have to educate both sexes. 

Coming out with my story has been something that my therapists have suggested to do since the very first time I walked in to the counseling center 6 years ago. And it’s not easy. I’m crying writing this and I know it will change how many of my friends will see me. It’s human nature. My own family took it hard. And I can’t tell them how to grieve or how to feel. They blame themselves for not noticing or being there as I didn’t say anything sooner. But this was never about them. Ever. Nor will it ever be. And some of the comments when I do tell people are meant well but hurt more than they think. It’s not easy to understand or empathize with. And sometimes people ask questions or try to turn it around and bring it back to their own focus and about them and that’s not what I wanted or need to hear. I have my own reason and it’s not rational but I did what I did and that’s that. So it’s been rough but it’s ok. I had to tell them, this is me and like it or not I will own it if that means I can save one girl from experiencing the pain I did. And for those that I don’t want to tell in person, well I guess this is my way of avoiding having to do this more. 

That’s what the tattoo is for. It’s a bouquet of California Poppy flowers and blue violets. My favorite flowers that have a couple of meanings for me. California poppies represent mourning and moving on and my original home. And because after the attack I spent a lot of time writing to my deceased grandfather, who we called Poppy, as I wasn’t able to tell anyone else yet. I know it seems silly but writing to him made sense to me and made it so I didn’t have to keep it all bottled up inside. Blue violets are the state flower of Illinois, my second home, and where I have grown into the young woman I think I want to be and to represent that I made out of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life this far. Moving to New York was easy because I did move to Illinois before that. But not only did I make it, I was successful and I proved everyone who told me no or doubted even for a second or said that I was the wrong choice that they were wrong. Really wrong. You know who you are. And I’ve got to tell you, I can do this. I’m still growing and learning but I’ve got this.

My family was definitely shocked that I got the tattoo. My siblings saw it first. My sister and brother were like “Ooooooh you’re in trouble. You’re dead. Dead dead dead. Dad’s going to freak. Nice, it’s Zane’s graduation weekend and we have to have a funeral too.” I tend to tell the little siblings about my secrets first. They hate that but so far they haven’t tattled yet. I end up telling anyway but they always keep my secrets. When I showed my parents my mom said nervously, “Have you shown your father yet?” And my dad just laughed at my tattoo said that it at least looked nice but that I was nuts for getting it because it’s permanent. And that the siblings were still not allowed to get one. So I’ll take that. I guess I’m still invited back for Christmas. 

Please don’t think I am an unhappy person. I am a little lonely in New York and I miss my home, family and friends. But I’m ok now, a much better place than I was. I still live, and try to be spontaneous and I still enjoy my life and I don’t hide from going out or trying new things. It may be a defining moment in my life, a paradigm shift but it was not nor will never be all that I am. I still laugh and love. And please don’t pity me. I am not a survivor. I honestly hate that term. Abhor it. That should be reserved for people who beat cancer and are heroic. I am not. I am a girl who had a rather unfortunate event happen who is still working on figuring out what that means for the big picture and grand scheme of things. So don’t call me a survivor, or a victim or brave. I’m not. I just had someone take something from me that I wasn’t willing to give. And I’m doing what I can to be ok. And I think this will help me mourn a little and get to that ok place. I’ll figure it out eventually, with the right therapist and journaling, I’ll make it out just fine, I don’t need pity or sympathy. I am who I am, don’t be sorry for that. It took awhile, but I’m not sorry for who I am at all. 

Here’s some links on how to talk or just be there for someone who went through a tragedy. It’s very common and it’s hard to know how to respond sometimes. But this is a good start on educating yourself for the possibility.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/tipsforfriends.html

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/supporting-someone-who-has-been-raped-or-sexually-assaulted/

To be continued.

Never Going To Beat This Summer With You

How you doin'? (say that in your best mobster/new yorker accent)

They do pronounce it like that. It's subtle but it's there.

Ok so it's not THAT bad here in Albany, but there is a definite accent from most people I talk to. And out of all the people I have met so far only one person (my boss, who is not from New York, but from Georgia) knew that Southern Illinois did not mean Chicago.

Sigh. Everywhere you go. Geography is seriously a very underrated school subject. One woman looked at me, laughed and then said she couldn't even try to pick out that state on a map, that she knew it was just 'somewhere out west'.

Umm. Well. I mean. There are 49 other states. That's a lot to keep track of sure. But most states are indeed "west" of New York. We are on the "East Coast"...so yes, you are technically right. and you have a college education...

Anyway, I had my first day today and it was a good day. Even though I got tired right around 3:00pm and wanted to take a nap...It's day one guys, don't judge.

It's so true though! I get crankier than a two year old without their blankie.

I got on payroll, got a new email, a parking decal, a Faculty and Staff ID badge, a new office that is MINE with 2 computer screens and a desk and a door that shuts and locks and means I can keep people out and buckle down if I want without interruptions. After working in a very crowded student office and a desk just out in the open meaning having to respond to the public like a secretary, dropping everything I'm doing just for them (when we had capable secretaries in the back of the office...the back?? makes sense...never understood that) for the last 4 years this is FANTASTIC. Probably the most excited thing about my day was opening and shutting my door. It's the little things, folks. The little things.

The real work will start later in the week, the paperwork stuff had to happen first so my first day was more or less not what a typical day will look like but hey, it's a start.

And for the next two days, the other Assistant Director, myself and our Director and Associate Director are headed to a pre-conference/training/check out different Rec Center (in the rec field we do this. A lot. We like to brag and show off our facilities if we got them.) in Long Island so I won't even get the chance to really settle into my new office just yet. But that's alright because it'll give me a chance to blog about my summer adventures.

You may all think I write for you, but in actuality I write for me. I often look back and it's like a diary or a box of postcards from different times and points in my life (and think how bad my grammar was or how naive and young and silly I sound) and look back mostly with fondness.

So. Summer. Summer of 2015. Let's begin. We know I went to concerts. We know I got a roommate. And we know that I spent some time at the pool. We know I got a job.

Other things I did this summer include-
Going back home for my brother's graduation.
Getting a tattoo.
Renting an apartment without a co-signer.
Volunteered at the animal hospital/shelter.
Worked out. A lot.
Lost weight.
Hanging out with my Rec GA friends.
Hiking in Southern Illinois.
Swimming in creeks and lakes in Southern Illinois.
Playing hours and hours of yahtzee until 3am with my roommate.
Going to friends' gigs and listening to them play banjos at local bars.
Singing karaoke for the very first (and most likely last) time.
Teaching my roommate how to drive.
Learning how to cook. Cook better in a different way I should say.
Kicking him out.
Letting him stay.
I loved.
I fought.
I lost.
I cried. Happy and sad and mad and sometimes just no reason tears.
I moved 975 miles farther away.
And I laughed. I laughed with my close friends and we enjoyed our one and only summer together.

It was perfectly not perfect, adventuresome and boring, productive and lazy, nostalgic and new and spontaneous.

Never going to beat this summer.

My Rec GA friends became the only friends I really had left in town. So we hung out a lot. We went to sunset concerts and made homemade mojitos (that were the best mojitos I had ever had) and played board games while people watching and listening to some funky blues. Then they dragged me to a karaoke bar and after a few more glasses of liquid confidence they were able to get me up on stage to sing. Naturally I wasn't going to sing alone but we had to choose a song everyone knew, had a good hook and would make it not so weird. What better song than Sweet Caroline?? Everyone loves to sing the "Sweeeeeet Caaarroooliinneeee Bah Bah Baaaahhh" part.
It was a hit. Obvi. And we all learned I can't sing at all. Like absolutely no future in entertaining for me.
But it was a great night with dancing and laughter and even a little drama to send me off. (Drinking man...just a bad idea for hotheads looking to fight) but it was super fun. I loved every minute of it.

I also spent part of the summer teaching my roommate how to drive. He's another GA and never really needed to learn before. Grew up in a different country in a big city and it wasn't the norm to drive like it is in the states. So one night we went to get some frozen yogurt at a place open late and then we went to a big mall parking lot and he got behind the wheel. He was super nervous but he did alright. I helped teach my younger siblings how to drive so I kinda knew how to teach him. At the very end though we must have freaked the mall cops out since we were just circling and randomly stopping and going, trying to park, etc. all late at night and they came and turned on their little flashy lights at us and asked if we were ok. After explaining that he was just learning how to drive she laughed and told him good luck and to keep practicing. Mall cops...just let us drive in the empty parking lots in peace! We did that a couple of times and then we even got brave and drove on some back roads. On time, he didn't notice this family of raccoons in the road and I know realize why the drivers ed teacher has a brake on his side of the car. He stopped in time but it was hilarious and scary and I totally was that girl screaming to stop and braking with my invisible brake really really hard. He was pretty nervous after that but he's a good driver. Night time driving is hard when you're first learning too if you don't remember. Lights, hard to see lines, and trying to avoid nighttime critters? Not exactly easy when you're just trying to figure out how to steer.

They may be cute but they're sneaky little bastards.

But we had a lot of laughs learning how to drive and some fights too but he got pretty good at it and we would go for a few hours and not even realize that he had been driving around a Lowe's parking lot practicing his parking and stops the whole time. I hope that he passes his test soon. I love to drive and it's a very free feeling, knowing that you can go anywhere and to be in control just you, a two ton vehicle and the road and it's a valuable skill to have.

We went to a place called Inspiration Point, only we had to go wayyyy off the trail to get to it. Like, bush-whacking, trail blazing, just kinda go through the middle of the forest on the side of a mountain. Ok not a super tall mountain but I don't do heights. And there were a few times were you would look back and just see the only way down was probably meaning you were going to have to roll. Or really like the idea of getting lost in the woods (as a logger's daughter this was a very real fear of mine and my parents' growing up) ain't my cup of tea either. And to top it off I got stung by a wasp, eaten alive by mosquitos and spiders. Yay. But it was all worth it when we reached the top. You got to look out on this beautiful valley of farms and little towns in Southern Illinois. I didn't bring my phone so no photos (it wouldn't have made the trip up) but it was breath taking at sunset. And so worth the hike up. A very fitting name, Inspiration Point. We met up with some mutual friends up there and spent the evening fighting away mosquitos, listening to them play banjos and ukuleles. It was kinda weird but kinda really cool too. I spent most of the time watching the sunset and thinking about how I would miss these people and this place. And that I was thankful to be able to take some time and really enjoy the beauty without a lens and to appreciate how blessed I was to be up there in that moment with some really genuine, good people. And that made it all the more beautiful.

Inspiration Point with some hillbilly musicians. I stole this photo.

I still have to pack for my trip with my new co-worker and bosses so I'll stop here for the night. I'll continue my summer stories from the road. Still working on that name. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from my new Rec peeps.

To be continued!

Coming to you live from New York!

Hello from my new apartment in Albany, New York!

What are you doing there you ask? Well, as of tomorrow, I will be working as the Assistant Director of Intramural and Club Sports at the University at Albany.

What what!! This girl got a big girl job! All that stress and those conferences and freaking out and self-doubt was all for naught. In fact, the last time I wrote, a couple of days after that I went to an on-campus interview in Albany, obviously did well enough that they offered me the job the next day! Woohoo! But really, I am very excited and feel really great about the job. It's a new program, with people who are really open minded and looking to just make something out of it and try new things (YES! Can mold it to how I do or don't want it to look like) and I get to work with a Graduate Assistant under my supervision. *clears throat* Let me repeat that...I get a Graduate Assistant. Who works for me. That's right. You know you're moving on up when you climb the ladder, started from the GA now he'll be reporting to me. I'm entirely too excited and way too nervous (I was JUST a GA myself 2 months ago. 2 MONTHS AGO) about that aspect. Not because I'm going to work them to the bone, but because it makes me feel like I'm a real professional now.

See, Jon Snow does know something. 

So long story short, I got the job offer, took the job, flew out with my mom and found an apartment, and then had 5 weeks left in Carbondale to finish up the summer. Wow. Talk about a fast summer. My last summer of my life (non-students don't get the summer off in the real world. It's a travesty, I know.) and it was probably the shortest summer of my life. Isn't life funny like that?

But I had a great summer. I got a roommate (I know I'm really great at offering my place to people to just join haha. I should have just called it Hotel de Marissa) and spent a lot of time hanging by the pool, I went home for my brother's high school graduation, hiked all over Southern Illinois and kinda just chilled. I rented a storage box to be shipped with all my things to Albany, NY (which was sorta nightmare at the beginning but worked out in the end) and so for awhile the place had no furniture or my bed and so my roommate and I had to make dinner and eat it on the floor with left over boxes and the TV was just on the ground and I slept on a lumpy air mattress. But hey it worked. I went to an Eric Church concert with my friends and we got to go right up next to the stage because one of the girls knew a guy who got us better tickets for free. Ah, the perks of living in a small town, everyone knows everyone. It was pretty fun and I love going to live music concerts, but obviously Eric Church is more than just a concert. Swoon.

Most of the time though, I would try and busy myself and not focus too much of my energy on the inevitable fact that I would have to leave and that a huge, no colossal, change was about to happen.

Que the freaking water works. All the feels...here they come.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm FINE DAMMIT.

I'm petrified about this big change. I'm frightened if I can handle going from student to professional in a matter of weeks. It makes me want to puke just thinking about trying to make a new life in a place I don't know. It's terrifying just to go to the grocery store because I don't know the streets or which side the entrance is on and where the heck they stock the milk or bread and I can't even get to the gas station without using my gps. And the people...*internally screams*

I have to make new friends. All over again. But this time, I don't have class or other GA's to rely on to just automatically meet new people. I've met some through work so far when I have visited but we're coworkers and there's nothing in the contract that says we have to hang out outside of work. I'll be very busy with my job, I know that, but it's just the idea of it all is very overwhelming.

And I'm really far away. I mean I moved far away for the GA but now I'm 3 hours time difference from my parents and family and I'm almost 1,000 miles away from my 2nd home, Carbondale. That's really really freaking far. And to be honest when I got the job, that notion didn't cross my mind at all. All I could think was I like the people I met in the interview, I like the job description and I like that it's a city. A really big city that I have been wanting to live in for quite some time now. It's got over 200,000 people and about 8 different Dunkin' Donuts and Carbondale just recently got it's first so there's that for some perspective. I can walk to a fitness center, a starbucks, a dunkin' and a grocery store, clothing shop and a CVS and a Walgreens within 2 minutes of my apartment. 2minutes is generous too, I could probably make it in 1 if I was power walking.
And everyone I told that I was taking this New York job was like oh my gosh aren't you scared? I could NEVER do that.

Well duh I'm scared. But I have to go! It's a job, in the field I want to be in, in a city I want to live in and with people I can see myself wanting to work with. I'd be silly not to go. I HAVE to go. Have to.

But I still had my self doubt. Oh boy. I second guessed even as I was signing the lease to the apartment. I had to call up my roommate and pretend that I was just going back and forth between two different apartments and couldn't decide but in reality I was deciding between rescinding my acceptance of the job or going through with it. Surprise, I'm here and I start tomorrow so that's how that conversation went. And I got the cheaper, closer, cuter apartment. Boom.

And as much as I say I hate change and that I'm not very good at it I also had quite a lot of time to ponder this notion.

For as much as I rag on it, I thrive off of it. I move every year, whether I need to or not. I dyed my hair and before dying it I had cut it off by 10inches before. I consistently rearrange my furniture to just switch things up a bit. Hell, I rarely order the same dish at a restaurant that I have been to before. I love getting the pepper chicken at a Chinese place in Carbondale. Love it. I'm getting hungry for it just thinking about it. Only ordered it 2 times in the 10, 20 maybe even more times I've been though. And I do that with every place, even Applebee's! Something about having all of these daily choices and sure, I liked that but what if I really like something else?? I would miss out on that something else if I didn't try! I'm this way with almost everything I do. From places to live, jobs to work, meals to eat, clothes to wear, people I meet, the way I do my hair. Shoot, I painted my dresser a different color just because I could. It doesn't work any better, it's just different now, I changed it.

So here I am. In a new apartment, in a new part of the country, in a new state, a new city with new people and a new job. How's that for some change. And I am really really excited. Like really.

#preach

But I am going to miss all that I did change. My old life in Carbondale. Just how I missed Davis 2 years ago, and the people there, I'm going to miss everyone and everything (well maybe not every little thing) in Salukiville. And even though I've only really lived in 3 different places in my life, now onto my 4th, it's the people around you and the support system that you create that really matters. I wouldn't have changed my choice in going to SIU and Carbondale. Or loving the people that I met. Never would I change that. But maybe that's why I feel so ok and free to make these big changes. Because I have people who love and support me and who are behind me at every step of the way. I have friends who were lined up to move me all the way out to New York just because they were my friends and not for any other reason. I have a family who pushes me to go to the limits and never say 'that's too far' or make me feel like I can't do something. Sure they joke about how truly far away I am, but if they really didn't want me that far away, they wouldn't have let me go.

I think this is a good spot to stop for now. I do want to write down all the adventures I did have this summer but I'll save it for another time. Tomorrow morning is my first day on the job. I'll be sure to share that too. I might have to change my blog name though...nothing great has come to mind yet so if you have ideas, let me know!

To be continued.