But one of things I can't stop fussing over is how I suck at change.
Lemme offer a quick back story...
Today I went with a friend to church. First time since I've been out here. I'm not a very churchy person and I'm sure I'm offending people by saying that but I'm not. After the spring break trip n as my very closest friend here goes I figured hey why not let's check it out.
The service was different than what I had been used to but not bad. I enjoyed it, not gonna lie. And the pastor had some good points. One of which was how we responde when someone opposes us. He was relating it to a disciple, etc but it made me stop and think (imagine that) about what I do...
I fall apart. I get defensive. I take it as a personal attack even when it's not supposed to be. I don't like confrontation and avoid it. Or sometimes I create major issues out of pebble sized problems.
And I wonder why I get stressed out all the time.
But then it made me think about my most recent "opposers" if you will. And why I find them to be against me.
Most of them aren't people they're events, situations, things out of my control. Like the weather, or getting internships, worrying about what other obstacles will come before they even get there and others are people but are they really opposing me or am I just taking it that way?
I'm realizing more and more that I am terribly loyal and will transcend oceans for people who probably wouldn't jump a puddle for me. And then I get mad at them for not being a good friend. Is that fair though? They never said that by me helping them or whatever, would mean they'd reciprocate. But I push and I push and maybe it's because I'm out here and I miss my really good friends back home and I want to replace them. But it doesn't work that way. And I hate how the good ones I have found are most likely going to exit my life altogether because I'm only here 2 years and then maybe we'll text every now and then and stay Facebook friends but otherwise that relationship is done for good. And even the not so good ones will leave too. And I'm still upset about them! I have this weird, twisted notion that even when they suck they don't and that it's still worth it to me to keep them in my life. I care too much. What is wrong with me??
This coming and going of people is hard for me. I hate it. I want everyone who I have ever cared for even in the slightest to stay with me. Forever. I thought people I met had a reason for why we met and if they impacted my life they were meant to stay in it.
And then that pastor's message of how we deal when we are opposed comes into play. We suck at opposition. We are all very sore losers and if we can prevent loss you can bet that we will do whatever it takes. But what I think he was trying to get at was accepting and learning from it. And for me that means letting those people who won't jump the puddle for me go. And even the ones I think would cross an ocean for me too. Because even though they aren't with me right here, right now, I carry them with me. All of them. Whether it's because they burned me and I have learned to guard myself better or because they helped me and I learned that people are genuine and good. And those memories are mine. They don't get to take them when they inevitably leave. And they all will. And I will leave too. And I have to be ok with it. I will be. It's just hard to fathom and even harder to accept.
So if you're reading this, know that you did teach me something: good, bad or ugly, whatever it was, you did impact me and you are apart of who I am. I hope that for all those I do get to meet and share time with and then leave, think back with a positive thought or a laugh. I'm not going to make everyone feel that way but I can try, to an extent (maybe a pool instead of an ocean.) And if I can't stop change, and the people from comin and going, well I don't know what. Guess I'm still figuring that out. I really wish I could find my friend from the cafe and ask more about the weight of living. Until then, I'll just lie here in the dark and blog about it. :)
To be continued.
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