Where the heck did January go??

Is it just me or did January last all of like 5 minutes??

Sheesh. I try to think back and at first I say, wow, must not have been that great if I can't remember it that well and then it all comes back.

January had a slow start. I was in Boston, in my onsie with my best college friends drinking cheap champagne and watching Ryan Seacrest count down to the New Year. We didn't try to go out as it was impossible to get in anywhere without promising your first born child away so instead we stayed in, played drunk card games and Cards Against Humanity and laughed a lot a lot.

Who needs Times Square when you have friends, a onsie and champagne?

In that moment I was happy. I was happy to be with my friends and happy to start the new year afresh. Isn't New Year an awesome holiday? Everyone thinks that this is it. This is the year that they'll make those resolutions and stick with them, it'll be the best year yet.

All that hope is kind of endearing and really promising. I know that it doesn't always last but I really wanted it to be my year this time. So I made an internal toast to all the promise and hope that 2015 holds for me. Here's to making it last longer than most resolutions. And then we ended up staying up til 3 in the morning just talking and catching up and laughing at old stories and shaking our heads when your gal pals bring up embarrassing 21st birthday memories (or the ones they have as you don't have those memories) and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Boston was fantastic. We got to go to Fenway Park and tour it in all of it's tradition and history. Very cool and very much worth the $17 to go. I dragged the girls to Patriot Place to check out Gillette Stadium where my beloved Patriots play. I was like a child in a candy store. Took way too many photos next to Tom Brady's huge window display and next to those big iron gates. I may or may not have jump started the Patriot profit margins as I spent way too much money on Patriot paraphernalia. Oops. Sue me. We also took a trip to Cambridge to see Harvard which was also awesome. We did the self-guided tour which was $2 (like why should I pay to walk on campus on my own??? And we basically paid to get lost. If it was guided I'll pay a fortune but if I'm on my own...come on now that's nuts) but it was so cool to see all the old buildings and think that some of the world's greatest minds had walked on those very same steps. I know I'm a sucker for historical facts and it was every nerd's dream. The city was also very vibrant and it made me realize that I so badly want to live in a city. Bustle and hustle and movement and energy all the time. That's what I want. I don't care if it's not forever, I just want to try it to say that I have. Boston was cold and it snowed on us but I really liked the city and hope to go back someday.

Boston city skyline. I wish I could take credit for this photo.

It was a good time with the girls and I was sad to leave as I'm not sure the next time we'll all be together again. One is headed to a refuge in the middle of Arkansas to work with the furry animals and see if she is cut out to be a zoo keeper, the other 2 are back in California, one with a job she loves and a company she wants to stay with forever, the other working through getting her master's degree so she can work in the sport business world. But we aren't all together or even remotely close to each other and it's hard. Sometimes I think keeping long distance relationships with friends is even harder than with a romantic partner. Life gets in the way and those group messages can only go on so long. But we try and I have high hopes that we can make it.

I love you, guys.

Coming back to Carbondale after Boston wasn't as bad as I thought. I enjoyed working and not having to go to school at the same time. Actually really excited for when that becomes my reality, work and play, no school. But it went by too fast and I had to work on running a conference within the rec field. It's a big conference almost completely planned by students like me and it was at Purdue this year. A group of about 20 of us worked on it for the last 6 months and we were finally going to have it. Over 500 people came to the conference and the students stay in the Rec gym to keep costs low. It offers educational sessions, demos, and opps. to network with professionals and other students alike. It was a great conference and I had a really good time. I've made quite a few friends and acquaintances in the field and everyone's story is very similar. We're all here because we love it. At Purdue I got to work and spend a lot of time with my aunt's previous boss back when she worked in the Rec field. That was pretty sweet deal and I really liked getting to know people who knew and worked with her, made me fee like yes, this is in fact where you are exactly meant to be right now because she's been here before. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it was comforting to know that someone knew my family, therefore I felt like they already knew me.

At these conferences, there are a ton of presentations on topics that are current to our field and demos, and just a whole lot of learning to be done. Lane and I had the opportunity to present our own presentation at the conference.
Let me just explain this real quick...at these conferences you have to apply to present. Not everyone gets to and it can be kind of a big deal. My boss wanted to do one on a book he had read about leadership, The Energy Bus, by Jon Gordon. It's basically about how to change your perspective on life and enjoy the ride, but also developing your leadership skills, relationships with anyone and everyone and just your basic self-help kind of stuff.

Jury is still out on if these actually 'help'

But it's a pretty good book and very applicable to every day life. It talks about common sense and how to make little changes to make your life better. It's also really really applicable to the Recreational field. So we made a power point, sent in our proposal, found out that we got it and then before I knew it was the day of our presentation. Cue the nervous butterflies and not being able to eat out of shear fear.

I was worried that no one would want to come to a leadership presentation. I mean, it's nothing new or super enlightening, it's just basic common sense, like be courteous, genuine, be positive, get the negative people off your bus, etc. etc. But Lane and I shared our own personal experiences to make it more about us and not so much the book. As the time winded down to a mere hour before I became super nervous. I had never presented at a Rec conference in my life. I've only really presented in my classes. Not in front of professionals who could give me a job or students who might actually think I have my life together. And I had trouble really resonating with the material because I dont' have a success story. Mine is a work in progress, more like under a lot of construction, with no end in sight.

Only Audrey could look that classy and still be in an existential crisis.

As we set up for the presentation, the little auditorium that fits about 50 people filled up really fast. There were people standing in the back, on the stairways and against the walls. We were a fire marshal's worst nightmare. And if I could barely breathe before I surely couldn't then. I was shaking and when we had to finally start my voice cracked like a pubescent little boy. Real smooth, Marissa. Real smooth.

I should probably get that checked out...

But Lane got us going and soon I was able to calm down enough to really engage myself in the presentation. I went ad lib, and we even got the audience to share and discuss too.

Afterwards, I had several different people come up and say how well we had done and I could see Lane's ego expand to ensure he wouldn't fit out the door. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome to have good feedback and people tell you they really were glad they went to your presentation. One gentleman told me it was his favorite presentation he had been to at the entire conference. His favorite! Out of ALL of them! Me and Lane were that cool! Like whoa. That is freaking awesome.

So it was a success and I made some awesome friends who I now have too many inside jokes with and shared lots of laughs and delusional silliness with and I learned through it that I am a good leader, and that I do a really good job at helping students develop professionally and holistically. I'm quiet at times but I'm hands on and an actions speak louder than words type (you wouldn't know it from my blog though).Not to sound too conceded but, I like that part a lot and want to continue to work with students and help them like my mentors helped me.And it always seems like someone is there to help me out at every venture. And that is a really great feeling.

But alas, after all the madness of running a conference and having too much fun with a dash of too much stress mixed in with a whole lot of no sleep I was pretty excited to head back home to my own bed.

Salukiville looked and felt the same once we got back into town. But classes had already started and I was a week behind and needed to catch up real quick. And we had trainings and club practices and just everything kinda seemed to hit all at once. Sheesh, you would have thought we were gone an entire month and not just a few days. But back to the grind and we ended January in kind of a fuster cluck but hey, Lane, PJ and I always seem to work it out. Even when we want to tell each other to kick rocks or to turn their brain on because they make us insane or we don't communicate, we somehow always are able to to bring it all back, take a breath and go "ok, let's get to work". I do take for granted the fact that I can rely on them both so much. And I will miss them both tremendously but for now I'll just cherish their eye rolls and head shakes and the snarky comments we say out of love and respect. PJ has got a reputation of giving me this side glance that is now known as his official look for me. He gives it to other people too, but I'm his favorite target. I end up getting that look daily if not multiple times a day but it's kind of a joke now and then and it just means I'm comfortable enough to say some astounding things that may deserve a questionable look or two. That's just how we roll.

I good representation of the PJ look reserved for me. Other meanings include "I'm going to giver her another chance to try again..." or "She did not just say that. Yes, yes she did." or "How did I end up working here"

Also a PJ and Lane favorite. Sometimes used on other staff and GA's.

The most accurate of looks I get on the daily. My personal favorite and especially reserved for me.

So that's my life pretty much. Work, unneccessary stress, conferences, sometimes school, side-way glances but lots of laughs sum up my January.

To be continued!

It's Been a Long Winter

Hello Lovely Readers,

I know, I know, I know. It's been a really long hiatus and I apologize. Kinda fell off the face of the earth for awhile. 

I can sit here and say I was busy because I was, I could say it was a lot of excuses but it really comes down to I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't happy enough to write. 

I write to express myself. I write because I like to. I like the act of typing and getting my feelings and thoughts out. I always have. I never kept a diary really but I have lots of random thought journals and I have written thousands of letters that have never been sent. And recently I haven't felt like sharing. It was more than avoiding the blog, it was avoiding my feelings, people that are friends, just everything. Normally writing heals me, and I feel better but every time I tried to write I couldn't force myself to say anything. Too depressed to do the things that make me happy. Blogging is definitely one of those.

I had a great winter break. Probably (actually, truthfully) the last winter break I will have as a student and I enjoyed it with both family and friends. But even then I was behind a fog, a haze of anxiety and depression. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and I wasn't sad the whole time. I still genuinely laugh, and smile and I had a good time. I went to Hawaii with my family and then to Boston with college girl friends. And it was an amazing break. Truly. But that fog always was there. Just pushed back a little farther. I can't explain why or how, it just was there. 

I can't pinpoint it to a single event, or even rationalize why it's happening really. It was a bunch of things and nothing really. I had my heart broken, like really, first-real-love really broken. Had to happen at some point I guess, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself. And I still miss someone who I shouldn't miss. I got some less than stellar news about my health- I have PCOS which basically is a blood disorder that means I probably won't be able to have kids. That's kind of a lot to take in as a 23 year old when that isn't even on your radar. But it's crazy to think how you never even thought you wanted something until you're told you can't have it. And I'm currently job searching. And not having a set plan freaks me out. And the thought of moving and changing my life all over again is super scary. Like have nightmares about it freak me out. 

But you would think that these aren't that bad. That I should be able to bounce back from these things and be ok. 

When I got back to school I took up counseling. I think it's helping, but they say it takes time. A lot of  time. And I have an amazing group of friends who are really supportive. Some know about it, others not as much just that I'm sorta, not Marissa, not the real Marissa. I still work really hard, and I think I still do a really good job. Even through it all, I am good at being a GA and working with students and I am proud of that. Our program is still improving and I am very proud of that. Maybe I throw myself into my work as a distraction. And my counselor doesn't think it's the healthiest but that if it seems to work for now, that's ok. Like I said, it takes some time. 

My counselor picked up that I was feeling guilty. Guilty for feeling bad when I have a pretty decent life. And I'm not, not thankful. Truly. i know I have a lot going for me. But he told me something that I never really thought of as an option before but I kind of like it.

He said that it's ok to not be happy for a time period. It isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows and that being unhappy is alright, normal, and you don't have to apologize for it. 

So I'm not going to. I'm not sorry that this is what my current situation is and I'm not sorry that I struggle in areas that maybe others don't. I'll eventually be alright. I am alright, just not yet where I want to be-happy.

And I'm ok with that.

My counselor has me in a different type of therapy now and has asked me to write again. To write out my feelings and thoughts and to take part in the things I enjoy again. To not be scared to say that I'm ok but not-ok. So I'm playing intramural basketball. And I signed up for a half marathon. I am running with a partner and we're both training for the half. I'm going to blog again. I died my hair red. Like Mary Jane from Spider Man red. I love it but it's a lot of up keep. And I've taken up cooking. I currently have way too many meals prepped sitting in my fridge but it has been a good hobby so far. Even if every time I cook the smoke alarm comes on, at least once. No lie. My neighbors must hate me. I think they are over sensitive smoke alarms but oh well. The food still turns out pretty good(minus those portobello mushroom sliders...those turned out kinda gross). 

So next time you hear from me it'll be my usual style of blog. With sarcasm and witty rants and silly photos. Because I'm still me. I'm still sassy-pants-Marissa. I'm still a goofy, young, professional who likes sports but also likes to wear heels. I haven't left. I'm just working out some kinks to make myself better. And isn't that the goal in life? 

To be continued.

P.S. I ask that for those of you that do know me to not be upset or sad for me. Please don't ask me if I'm ok and that you wish happiness or that you're here for me. I know that. And I appreciate it, I really do. But sometimes people don't want pity or attention. I just had to say this for me. To get it out. It's not a cry for help, I'm getting plenty of that already. So please don't bring it up if we should meet. Thank you.