It's Been a Long Winter

Hello Lovely Readers,

I know, I know, I know. It's been a really long hiatus and I apologize. Kinda fell off the face of the earth for awhile. 

I can sit here and say I was busy because I was, I could say it was a lot of excuses but it really comes down to I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't happy enough to write. 

I write to express myself. I write because I like to. I like the act of typing and getting my feelings and thoughts out. I always have. I never kept a diary really but I have lots of random thought journals and I have written thousands of letters that have never been sent. And recently I haven't felt like sharing. It was more than avoiding the blog, it was avoiding my feelings, people that are friends, just everything. Normally writing heals me, and I feel better but every time I tried to write I couldn't force myself to say anything. Too depressed to do the things that make me happy. Blogging is definitely one of those.

I had a great winter break. Probably (actually, truthfully) the last winter break I will have as a student and I enjoyed it with both family and friends. But even then I was behind a fog, a haze of anxiety and depression. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and I wasn't sad the whole time. I still genuinely laugh, and smile and I had a good time. I went to Hawaii with my family and then to Boston with college girl friends. And it was an amazing break. Truly. But that fog always was there. Just pushed back a little farther. I can't explain why or how, it just was there. 

I can't pinpoint it to a single event, or even rationalize why it's happening really. It was a bunch of things and nothing really. I had my heart broken, like really, first-real-love really broken. Had to happen at some point I guess, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself. And I still miss someone who I shouldn't miss. I got some less than stellar news about my health- I have PCOS which basically is a blood disorder that means I probably won't be able to have kids. That's kind of a lot to take in as a 23 year old when that isn't even on your radar. But it's crazy to think how you never even thought you wanted something until you're told you can't have it. And I'm currently job searching. And not having a set plan freaks me out. And the thought of moving and changing my life all over again is super scary. Like have nightmares about it freak me out. 

But you would think that these aren't that bad. That I should be able to bounce back from these things and be ok. 

When I got back to school I took up counseling. I think it's helping, but they say it takes time. A lot of  time. And I have an amazing group of friends who are really supportive. Some know about it, others not as much just that I'm sorta, not Marissa, not the real Marissa. I still work really hard, and I think I still do a really good job. Even through it all, I am good at being a GA and working with students and I am proud of that. Our program is still improving and I am very proud of that. Maybe I throw myself into my work as a distraction. And my counselor doesn't think it's the healthiest but that if it seems to work for now, that's ok. Like I said, it takes some time. 

My counselor picked up that I was feeling guilty. Guilty for feeling bad when I have a pretty decent life. And I'm not, not thankful. Truly. i know I have a lot going for me. But he told me something that I never really thought of as an option before but I kind of like it.

He said that it's ok to not be happy for a time period. It isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows and that being unhappy is alright, normal, and you don't have to apologize for it. 

So I'm not going to. I'm not sorry that this is what my current situation is and I'm not sorry that I struggle in areas that maybe others don't. I'll eventually be alright. I am alright, just not yet where I want to be-happy.

And I'm ok with that.

My counselor has me in a different type of therapy now and has asked me to write again. To write out my feelings and thoughts and to take part in the things I enjoy again. To not be scared to say that I'm ok but not-ok. So I'm playing intramural basketball. And I signed up for a half marathon. I am running with a partner and we're both training for the half. I'm going to blog again. I died my hair red. Like Mary Jane from Spider Man red. I love it but it's a lot of up keep. And I've taken up cooking. I currently have way too many meals prepped sitting in my fridge but it has been a good hobby so far. Even if every time I cook the smoke alarm comes on, at least once. No lie. My neighbors must hate me. I think they are over sensitive smoke alarms but oh well. The food still turns out pretty good(minus those portobello mushroom sliders...those turned out kinda gross). 

So next time you hear from me it'll be my usual style of blog. With sarcasm and witty rants and silly photos. Because I'm still me. I'm still sassy-pants-Marissa. I'm still a goofy, young, professional who likes sports but also likes to wear heels. I haven't left. I'm just working out some kinks to make myself better. And isn't that the goal in life? 

To be continued.

P.S. I ask that for those of you that do know me to not be upset or sad for me. Please don't ask me if I'm ok and that you wish happiness or that you're here for me. I know that. And I appreciate it, I really do. But sometimes people don't want pity or attention. I just had to say this for me. To get it out. It's not a cry for help, I'm getting plenty of that already. So please don't bring it up if we should meet. Thank you.