I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It has been awhile and I want to talk about my trip out to New York with my friend, Sophie but tonight isn't that night. Nope. Next time. Maybe. Tonight's blog is about how hard it's been for me to transition.

It sucks. I have no friends and I know a whopping total of 8 people. There's only 9 people in the office I work in and that's including me. 8 seems like a lot, right? Wrong. They all have lives, families, their own friends and things to do. They're settled. Some are older, some are closer to my age but they're from here and have been here and I feel like I'm imposing myself by asking to hang out outside of work. So I workout at another gym but haven't worked up the courage to talk to anyone yet. And I work on my 750 piece puzzle because that's pretty much the only game you can play by yourself and not feel like your actually playing a game by yourself. I can't look at Yahtzee without wanting to cry. And I paint. I have a lot of new wall art and inspirational quotes. (thanks pinterest) And I buy used furniture from Craig's List and meet some very nice middle aged suburban soccer mom's and dad's. The highlight of my week other than absolutely dreading the weekends because I don't get to come to work then, is the Farmer's Market in Troy. It's lively and has bands and everything from fresh fruits and veggies to handmade pottery to cheese and fresh flowers and it's fun. But it's lonely.

I rarely feel un-alone (is that even a word?? probs not) and I keep telling myself that as soon as school starts it'll get better.

But it might not. I'll be busy but I don't have classes to meet and connect with people in. I don't have GA's who are my built-in posse. And when school starts there will be more people around but more people doesn't necessarily mean I'll make friends. And they're students, I'm not. I can connect and be a good boss/resource but no longer can I go and hang out or ask to go to the movies together or just grab lunch. And that really sucks.

I'm a 14 hour drive away from my closest living friend. And she's in the same time-zone. From my SIU friends, I'm not only an hour difference but a 19 hour drive too. I'm 2967 miles from my home town, my family.

That's a long ass way to get home.

I knew this when I accepted the position. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was fully aware that I was going somewhere far far away and that I wasn't going to be coddled at all. I'm here to work. and I like my job. I actually had a great meeting with some club members today and they were jazzed for the upcoming year and the changes and I'm jazzed too.

I love this field and I love what I have been doing. I'm going to love what I will do and I mean that. But I'm a social person and I have to turn the tv on when I'm home all the time now because I got used to having noise with a roommate and having friends who were constantly around me. It's just the QVC channel and I have almost been tempted to call and buy some stupid watch or purse but it's just the noise I crave and the distraction that makes me almost believe I'm not alone.

I'm not scared, I have a lock on my door and I'm surrounded by young families in the apartment complex who are all very nice but keep to themselves mostly and would immediately call the cops at any sign of danger or suspicious behavior. I was out doing laundry late one night and a young mom watched me from the window and then poked her head out and said that next time she would do her laundry with me just because she didn't want me to be out that late at night. So I'm safe and I feel safe.

But she and her husband have 2 young kids who play instruments and what do they have in common with a 23 year old single girl? Not much, other than the same need to laundry once a week. And I haven't seen her much since that night.

I finally had my first of I'm sure many break downs tonight. I pride myself on not getting very homesick. I studied abroad, twice. I moved away from home at 17 and haven't lived at home since. I moved across the country. twice. This shouldn't be that hard for me. I should be used to this by now. Why do I feel this way? It's frustrating and tiring and really hard to get over. I can't just go see anyone when I feel this way to make the feeling go away. Texts and phone calls help but only so much. And I know I'm already losing the people I love so much. If I haven't lost them already.

Accurate depiction of me right now. Ok I exaggerate. Slightly. I'll get over them. Maybe.

The thing is, I was so used to going to the next step, having a goal to meet, a timeline, a plan. Now my plan is to reevaluate my position here in about 2 or 3 years. 2 or 3. No definitive answer. No real end date. I technically don't have a next step to look forward to. No graduation to look forward to. No "Just get through this because it's all worth it" stepping stone like before. Just get through this quarter, just get through this remedial job, just get through this GA deal, just get through til you graduate....nope. Those stepping stones are technically done and I have 'made' it as a wage earner, a contributing adult in society who pays taxes (who the hell is FICA and why does he get all of my money anyway?!?) and a retirement plan. I think it was the retirement plan that really made my head spin. I physically got sick, puked my guts out (when I'm anxious this is normal. I give myself the flu. Cool, huh?) and called a friend. I couldn't be strong any more. I caved. I got home sick. I got friend sick.

I got my first pay check and it was SOOO small. UGHHH. I can't afford the hipster Farmer's market off that let alone a trip to Macy's!

I called my friend from college in Cali who is going to grad/dietician school in Tennessee. She's like me, went on a whim and good faith. But she gets it, she understands what it's like to leave what everyone thought was a good thing because we felt that there was something more, something better. And she played along while I tried to hide the fact that I was crying and sick and she told me all about her rotations in different hospitals and she nerded out over hypertension and other fancy doctor words and how she plans out meals for her patients and met the cutest 70 year old man who told her all he wanted to eat was chocolate pudding so she promised him that at breakfast he could have chocolate pudding because the man is 70 and has earned chocolate pudding for breakfast. Thanks, girl.

This is so me the last 3 months. I am my mother's daughter...sheesh. Crying over cute videos of puppies, what is wrong with me??

And I'm ok. I do have good friends. They just aren't here but they are good and they do love me. I just wish they all could come visit like right now right now and hug me but I'd settle just for a visit in the future (you know who you are). And I will find people here, eventually. I'm learning that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever, and that's ok. I miss people more than they miss me but I kinda knew that would happen too. I'm not alright yet, but I'm ok. And I'm ok with just being ok. For now.

This. From you. Now. Right. Now.

Social media really can make a person long for what used to be and screws with people hard core. So I'm going to avoid it for awhile, or limit my time so I'm not such a nut case who gets sick just because of something on snap chat. (sadly, there isn't any amount of cold and flu meds that'll fix this stress sickness...thanks body)

I'll leave you with two good things though. It's my brother's birthday today. He turned 18. I still see him as the much shorter 12 year old boy when I left home at 17. But that was 6 years ago and he's much taller and gown up now. Weird. And my ex-roommate got his driver's license. How he passed, beats me. Just kidding, he was taught by the best, obvi.

Welcome to the adult world, brother. And welcome to the adult world of driving, roomie. And hello retirement plan at 23....whaaaa??? I wish I was this excited about being an adult.

I'll continue my story next time, so good night. To be continued.