Buckle up, it's about to get really real

*Warning this is a blog post where I get really real and let you into my very guarded world. If you like your perception of me, and don’t want to see me in a different light that I don’t suggest you continue reading. Skip to the next blog post.

Hey,

This is maybe not the best timing but I have had a few days of some really intense days with my own thoughts and I hope this helps me. My therapist thinks it will help me and my therapist says their no time like the present and I usually listen to him so this is about to get a little real but here it goes.

So...where were we? 

I finished with teaching my roommate how to drive and have since heard that he passed his permit exam and is on his way to being a fully licensed driver. Kudos to that guy but how scary is it that there's someone out there on the road ways that was taught by none other than me? Hahaha suckers…

I also got my very first (and probably very last) tattoo. Now. For those that know my family this may come as a shock since the rule growing up and still currently is that if the Allen kids want to stay in the will and to be invited back for any holidays you can't have two things: toe rings or tattoos.

Dad and Mom are old school and this was the rule. We could come back with a crazy gothic boyfriend or say we joined a band and was dropping out of school to backpack through Asia and we most likely wouldn't get their automatic blessing, there would be a definite sit down and come to Jesus moment to be had but we wouldn't be shunned automatically. The other 2 though...all bets were off.

So why the big rebellious move? It wasn't to stick it to my parents. This wasn't and will never be about them. It's tough growing up. Life is hard. I grew up very blessed and very safe and had nice things. But life has a funny way of forcing you to grow up the hard way. And I am a very sensitive person. I feel all the feels for real all the time. I cry and I hurt when I should let feelings go but I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's been quite the ride these past 6 years since I moved away from the daily routine of high school and my very comfortable life living at home. Lots of downs. Lots of ups too. I moved across the country. Twice. I made friends. I lost even more. I was rejected by schools, jobs and internships and even by professors/mentors/coaches saying I wouldn't make it or wasn't good enough for x,y,z, etc because of a,b,c etc.  

And I have been hiding from myself and others for a long time. Shortly before I moved away to UC Davis, I went to my first high school party. I got brave and lied about where I was going and things got out of hand and some decisions were made that were rather poor. I was sexually assaulted. I left that party a different person, scarred and frightened but quietly I got out and didn't tell anyone what had happened. Little did I know that pushing it away and pretending that nothing happened wouldn't solve my problems. If anything they worsened as time went on. I told my closest friend and she told me to get help. I brushed it off and said that it was partly my own fault and there wasn't anything to do and that I wouldn't. And so I became a very unhappy, conflicted person. I turned to toxic things to distract myself. Through time and some random therapy attempts but mostly dealing with it on my own I was alright. I told a few close friends if I felt like I needed to but otherwise it was my little, dirty, dark secret that I was ashamed of. 

And then I had a very close friend get attacked and raped at her school. I was heart broken for her but because I felt that I had let her down. I somehow led her to her demise because I was also assaulted and tried to run from it and pretend it didn’t happen. But because of my story she did what I never could. She reported it. And that terrible human got what he had coming and she broke his nose but not without leaving her permanently affected and not for the better. If I could go back I would have done things with my own story differently. I would haven’t had that last drink. I wouldn’t have stayed out. I would have gone home. I would have told. I would have prosecuted. But I didn’t. And these are the cards I was dealt and the outcome is the outcome. I can’t change that. But don’t think for one second that I think all victims are the same or that girls shouldn’t come forward. I also know that some girls use it as a means of revenge. Look up the case concerning UC San Diego students recently. But also know that I do think and know that there is a very sickening rape culture in today’s world and not many people are able to comprehend that perpetuating it is happening daily. But not teaching our girls to protect themselves isn’t right either. I knew the dangers but only like that of a person understanding that yes, getting on in a car could mean it could potentially crash but it most likely won’t happen to me. I didn’t think it would. And here I am. It unfortunately happens much more than we realize. And we have to educate both sexes. 

Coming out with my story has been something that my therapists have suggested to do since the very first time I walked in to the counseling center 6 years ago. And it’s not easy. I’m crying writing this and I know it will change how many of my friends will see me. It’s human nature. My own family took it hard. And I can’t tell them how to grieve or how to feel. They blame themselves for not noticing or being there as I didn’t say anything sooner. But this was never about them. Ever. Nor will it ever be. And some of the comments when I do tell people are meant well but hurt more than they think. It’s not easy to understand or empathize with. And sometimes people ask questions or try to turn it around and bring it back to their own focus and about them and that’s not what I wanted or need to hear. I have my own reason and it’s not rational but I did what I did and that’s that. So it’s been rough but it’s ok. I had to tell them, this is me and like it or not I will own it if that means I can save one girl from experiencing the pain I did. And for those that I don’t want to tell in person, well I guess this is my way of avoiding having to do this more. 

That’s what the tattoo is for. It’s a bouquet of California Poppy flowers and blue violets. My favorite flowers that have a couple of meanings for me. California poppies represent mourning and moving on and my original home. And because after the attack I spent a lot of time writing to my deceased grandfather, who we called Poppy, as I wasn’t able to tell anyone else yet. I know it seems silly but writing to him made sense to me and made it so I didn’t have to keep it all bottled up inside. Blue violets are the state flower of Illinois, my second home, and where I have grown into the young woman I think I want to be and to represent that I made out of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life this far. Moving to New York was easy because I did move to Illinois before that. But not only did I make it, I was successful and I proved everyone who told me no or doubted even for a second or said that I was the wrong choice that they were wrong. Really wrong. You know who you are. And I’ve got to tell you, I can do this. I’m still growing and learning but I’ve got this.

My family was definitely shocked that I got the tattoo. My siblings saw it first. My sister and brother were like “Ooooooh you’re in trouble. You’re dead. Dead dead dead. Dad’s going to freak. Nice, it’s Zane’s graduation weekend and we have to have a funeral too.” I tend to tell the little siblings about my secrets first. They hate that but so far they haven’t tattled yet. I end up telling anyway but they always keep my secrets. When I showed my parents my mom said nervously, “Have you shown your father yet?” And my dad just laughed at my tattoo said that it at least looked nice but that I was nuts for getting it because it’s permanent. And that the siblings were still not allowed to get one. So I’ll take that. I guess I’m still invited back for Christmas. 

Please don’t think I am an unhappy person. I am a little lonely in New York and I miss my home, family and friends. But I’m ok now, a much better place than I was. I still live, and try to be spontaneous and I still enjoy my life and I don’t hide from going out or trying new things. It may be a defining moment in my life, a paradigm shift but it was not nor will never be all that I am. I still laugh and love. And please don’t pity me. I am not a survivor. I honestly hate that term. Abhor it. That should be reserved for people who beat cancer and are heroic. I am not. I am a girl who had a rather unfortunate event happen who is still working on figuring out what that means for the big picture and grand scheme of things. So don’t call me a survivor, or a victim or brave. I’m not. I just had someone take something from me that I wasn’t willing to give. And I’m doing what I can to be ok. And I think this will help me mourn a little and get to that ok place. I’ll figure it out eventually, with the right therapist and journaling, I’ll make it out just fine, I don’t need pity or sympathy. I am who I am, don’t be sorry for that. It took awhile, but I’m not sorry for who I am at all. 

Here’s some links on how to talk or just be there for someone who went through a tragedy. It’s very common and it’s hard to know how to respond sometimes. But this is a good start on educating yourself for the possibility.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/tipsforfriends.html

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/supporting-someone-who-has-been-raped-or-sexually-assaulted/

To be continued.

Never Going To Beat This Summer With You

How you doin'? (say that in your best mobster/new yorker accent)

They do pronounce it like that. It's subtle but it's there.

Ok so it's not THAT bad here in Albany, but there is a definite accent from most people I talk to. And out of all the people I have met so far only one person (my boss, who is not from New York, but from Georgia) knew that Southern Illinois did not mean Chicago.

Sigh. Everywhere you go. Geography is seriously a very underrated school subject. One woman looked at me, laughed and then said she couldn't even try to pick out that state on a map, that she knew it was just 'somewhere out west'.

Umm. Well. I mean. There are 49 other states. That's a lot to keep track of sure. But most states are indeed "west" of New York. We are on the "East Coast"...so yes, you are technically right. and you have a college education...

Anyway, I had my first day today and it was a good day. Even though I got tired right around 3:00pm and wanted to take a nap...It's day one guys, don't judge.

It's so true though! I get crankier than a two year old without their blankie.

I got on payroll, got a new email, a parking decal, a Faculty and Staff ID badge, a new office that is MINE with 2 computer screens and a desk and a door that shuts and locks and means I can keep people out and buckle down if I want without interruptions. After working in a very crowded student office and a desk just out in the open meaning having to respond to the public like a secretary, dropping everything I'm doing just for them (when we had capable secretaries in the back of the office...the back?? makes sense...never understood that) for the last 4 years this is FANTASTIC. Probably the most excited thing about my day was opening and shutting my door. It's the little things, folks. The little things.

The real work will start later in the week, the paperwork stuff had to happen first so my first day was more or less not what a typical day will look like but hey, it's a start.

And for the next two days, the other Assistant Director, myself and our Director and Associate Director are headed to a pre-conference/training/check out different Rec Center (in the rec field we do this. A lot. We like to brag and show off our facilities if we got them.) in Long Island so I won't even get the chance to really settle into my new office just yet. But that's alright because it'll give me a chance to blog about my summer adventures.

You may all think I write for you, but in actuality I write for me. I often look back and it's like a diary or a box of postcards from different times and points in my life (and think how bad my grammar was or how naive and young and silly I sound) and look back mostly with fondness.

So. Summer. Summer of 2015. Let's begin. We know I went to concerts. We know I got a roommate. And we know that I spent some time at the pool. We know I got a job.

Other things I did this summer include-
Going back home for my brother's graduation.
Getting a tattoo.
Renting an apartment without a co-signer.
Volunteered at the animal hospital/shelter.
Worked out. A lot.
Lost weight.
Hanging out with my Rec GA friends.
Hiking in Southern Illinois.
Swimming in creeks and lakes in Southern Illinois.
Playing hours and hours of yahtzee until 3am with my roommate.
Going to friends' gigs and listening to them play banjos at local bars.
Singing karaoke for the very first (and most likely last) time.
Teaching my roommate how to drive.
Learning how to cook. Cook better in a different way I should say.
Kicking him out.
Letting him stay.
I loved.
I fought.
I lost.
I cried. Happy and sad and mad and sometimes just no reason tears.
I moved 975 miles farther away.
And I laughed. I laughed with my close friends and we enjoyed our one and only summer together.

It was perfectly not perfect, adventuresome and boring, productive and lazy, nostalgic and new and spontaneous.

Never going to beat this summer.

My Rec GA friends became the only friends I really had left in town. So we hung out a lot. We went to sunset concerts and made homemade mojitos (that were the best mojitos I had ever had) and played board games while people watching and listening to some funky blues. Then they dragged me to a karaoke bar and after a few more glasses of liquid confidence they were able to get me up on stage to sing. Naturally I wasn't going to sing alone but we had to choose a song everyone knew, had a good hook and would make it not so weird. What better song than Sweet Caroline?? Everyone loves to sing the "Sweeeeeet Caaarroooliinneeee Bah Bah Baaaahhh" part.
It was a hit. Obvi. And we all learned I can't sing at all. Like absolutely no future in entertaining for me.
But it was a great night with dancing and laughter and even a little drama to send me off. (Drinking man...just a bad idea for hotheads looking to fight) but it was super fun. I loved every minute of it.

I also spent part of the summer teaching my roommate how to drive. He's another GA and never really needed to learn before. Grew up in a different country in a big city and it wasn't the norm to drive like it is in the states. So one night we went to get some frozen yogurt at a place open late and then we went to a big mall parking lot and he got behind the wheel. He was super nervous but he did alright. I helped teach my younger siblings how to drive so I kinda knew how to teach him. At the very end though we must have freaked the mall cops out since we were just circling and randomly stopping and going, trying to park, etc. all late at night and they came and turned on their little flashy lights at us and asked if we were ok. After explaining that he was just learning how to drive she laughed and told him good luck and to keep practicing. Mall cops...just let us drive in the empty parking lots in peace! We did that a couple of times and then we even got brave and drove on some back roads. On time, he didn't notice this family of raccoons in the road and I know realize why the drivers ed teacher has a brake on his side of the car. He stopped in time but it was hilarious and scary and I totally was that girl screaming to stop and braking with my invisible brake really really hard. He was pretty nervous after that but he's a good driver. Night time driving is hard when you're first learning too if you don't remember. Lights, hard to see lines, and trying to avoid nighttime critters? Not exactly easy when you're just trying to figure out how to steer.

They may be cute but they're sneaky little bastards.

But we had a lot of laughs learning how to drive and some fights too but he got pretty good at it and we would go for a few hours and not even realize that he had been driving around a Lowe's parking lot practicing his parking and stops the whole time. I hope that he passes his test soon. I love to drive and it's a very free feeling, knowing that you can go anywhere and to be in control just you, a two ton vehicle and the road and it's a valuable skill to have.

We went to a place called Inspiration Point, only we had to go wayyyy off the trail to get to it. Like, bush-whacking, trail blazing, just kinda go through the middle of the forest on the side of a mountain. Ok not a super tall mountain but I don't do heights. And there were a few times were you would look back and just see the only way down was probably meaning you were going to have to roll. Or really like the idea of getting lost in the woods (as a logger's daughter this was a very real fear of mine and my parents' growing up) ain't my cup of tea either. And to top it off I got stung by a wasp, eaten alive by mosquitos and spiders. Yay. But it was all worth it when we reached the top. You got to look out on this beautiful valley of farms and little towns in Southern Illinois. I didn't bring my phone so no photos (it wouldn't have made the trip up) but it was breath taking at sunset. And so worth the hike up. A very fitting name, Inspiration Point. We met up with some mutual friends up there and spent the evening fighting away mosquitos, listening to them play banjos and ukuleles. It was kinda weird but kinda really cool too. I spent most of the time watching the sunset and thinking about how I would miss these people and this place. And that I was thankful to be able to take some time and really enjoy the beauty without a lens and to appreciate how blessed I was to be up there in that moment with some really genuine, good people. And that made it all the more beautiful.

Inspiration Point with some hillbilly musicians. I stole this photo.

I still have to pack for my trip with my new co-worker and bosses so I'll stop here for the night. I'll continue my summer stories from the road. Still working on that name. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from my new Rec peeps.

To be continued!

Coming to you live from New York!

Hello from my new apartment in Albany, New York!

What are you doing there you ask? Well, as of tomorrow, I will be working as the Assistant Director of Intramural and Club Sports at the University at Albany.

What what!! This girl got a big girl job! All that stress and those conferences and freaking out and self-doubt was all for naught. In fact, the last time I wrote, a couple of days after that I went to an on-campus interview in Albany, obviously did well enough that they offered me the job the next day! Woohoo! But really, I am very excited and feel really great about the job. It's a new program, with people who are really open minded and looking to just make something out of it and try new things (YES! Can mold it to how I do or don't want it to look like) and I get to work with a Graduate Assistant under my supervision. *clears throat* Let me repeat that...I get a Graduate Assistant. Who works for me. That's right. You know you're moving on up when you climb the ladder, started from the GA now he'll be reporting to me. I'm entirely too excited and way too nervous (I was JUST a GA myself 2 months ago. 2 MONTHS AGO) about that aspect. Not because I'm going to work them to the bone, but because it makes me feel like I'm a real professional now.

See, Jon Snow does know something. 

So long story short, I got the job offer, took the job, flew out with my mom and found an apartment, and then had 5 weeks left in Carbondale to finish up the summer. Wow. Talk about a fast summer. My last summer of my life (non-students don't get the summer off in the real world. It's a travesty, I know.) and it was probably the shortest summer of my life. Isn't life funny like that?

But I had a great summer. I got a roommate (I know I'm really great at offering my place to people to just join haha. I should have just called it Hotel de Marissa) and spent a lot of time hanging by the pool, I went home for my brother's high school graduation, hiked all over Southern Illinois and kinda just chilled. I rented a storage box to be shipped with all my things to Albany, NY (which was sorta nightmare at the beginning but worked out in the end) and so for awhile the place had no furniture or my bed and so my roommate and I had to make dinner and eat it on the floor with left over boxes and the TV was just on the ground and I slept on a lumpy air mattress. But hey it worked. I went to an Eric Church concert with my friends and we got to go right up next to the stage because one of the girls knew a guy who got us better tickets for free. Ah, the perks of living in a small town, everyone knows everyone. It was pretty fun and I love going to live music concerts, but obviously Eric Church is more than just a concert. Swoon.

Most of the time though, I would try and busy myself and not focus too much of my energy on the inevitable fact that I would have to leave and that a huge, no colossal, change was about to happen.

Que the freaking water works. All the feels...here they come.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm FINE DAMMIT.

I'm petrified about this big change. I'm frightened if I can handle going from student to professional in a matter of weeks. It makes me want to puke just thinking about trying to make a new life in a place I don't know. It's terrifying just to go to the grocery store because I don't know the streets or which side the entrance is on and where the heck they stock the milk or bread and I can't even get to the gas station without using my gps. And the people...*internally screams*

I have to make new friends. All over again. But this time, I don't have class or other GA's to rely on to just automatically meet new people. I've met some through work so far when I have visited but we're coworkers and there's nothing in the contract that says we have to hang out outside of work. I'll be very busy with my job, I know that, but it's just the idea of it all is very overwhelming.

And I'm really far away. I mean I moved far away for the GA but now I'm 3 hours time difference from my parents and family and I'm almost 1,000 miles away from my 2nd home, Carbondale. That's really really freaking far. And to be honest when I got the job, that notion didn't cross my mind at all. All I could think was I like the people I met in the interview, I like the job description and I like that it's a city. A really big city that I have been wanting to live in for quite some time now. It's got over 200,000 people and about 8 different Dunkin' Donuts and Carbondale just recently got it's first so there's that for some perspective. I can walk to a fitness center, a starbucks, a dunkin' and a grocery store, clothing shop and a CVS and a Walgreens within 2 minutes of my apartment. 2minutes is generous too, I could probably make it in 1 if I was power walking.
And everyone I told that I was taking this New York job was like oh my gosh aren't you scared? I could NEVER do that.

Well duh I'm scared. But I have to go! It's a job, in the field I want to be in, in a city I want to live in and with people I can see myself wanting to work with. I'd be silly not to go. I HAVE to go. Have to.

But I still had my self doubt. Oh boy. I second guessed even as I was signing the lease to the apartment. I had to call up my roommate and pretend that I was just going back and forth between two different apartments and couldn't decide but in reality I was deciding between rescinding my acceptance of the job or going through with it. Surprise, I'm here and I start tomorrow so that's how that conversation went. And I got the cheaper, closer, cuter apartment. Boom.

And as much as I say I hate change and that I'm not very good at it I also had quite a lot of time to ponder this notion.

For as much as I rag on it, I thrive off of it. I move every year, whether I need to or not. I dyed my hair and before dying it I had cut it off by 10inches before. I consistently rearrange my furniture to just switch things up a bit. Hell, I rarely order the same dish at a restaurant that I have been to before. I love getting the pepper chicken at a Chinese place in Carbondale. Love it. I'm getting hungry for it just thinking about it. Only ordered it 2 times in the 10, 20 maybe even more times I've been though. And I do that with every place, even Applebee's! Something about having all of these daily choices and sure, I liked that but what if I really like something else?? I would miss out on that something else if I didn't try! I'm this way with almost everything I do. From places to live, jobs to work, meals to eat, clothes to wear, people I meet, the way I do my hair. Shoot, I painted my dresser a different color just because I could. It doesn't work any better, it's just different now, I changed it.

So here I am. In a new apartment, in a new part of the country, in a new state, a new city with new people and a new job. How's that for some change. And I am really really excited. Like really.

#preach

But I am going to miss all that I did change. My old life in Carbondale. Just how I missed Davis 2 years ago, and the people there, I'm going to miss everyone and everything (well maybe not every little thing) in Salukiville. And even though I've only really lived in 3 different places in my life, now onto my 4th, it's the people around you and the support system that you create that really matters. I wouldn't have changed my choice in going to SIU and Carbondale. Or loving the people that I met. Never would I change that. But maybe that's why I feel so ok and free to make these big changes. Because I have people who love and support me and who are behind me at every step of the way. I have friends who were lined up to move me all the way out to New York just because they were my friends and not for any other reason. I have a family who pushes me to go to the limits and never say 'that's too far' or make me feel like I can't do something. Sure they joke about how truly far away I am, but if they really didn't want me that far away, they wouldn't have let me go.

I think this is a good spot to stop for now. I do want to write down all the adventures I did have this summer but I'll save it for another time. Tomorrow morning is my first day on the job. I'll be sure to share that too. I might have to change my blog name though...nothing great has come to mind yet so if you have ideas, let me know!

To be continued.

Post Graduate Blues

Hip-Hip-Hooray! You did it! You graduated! What will you do next?

Isn't that just the question worth a million freaking dollars...

All graduates, of every level minus maybe those who have an obvious step, like Kindergarten onto 1st grade, HATE, ABHOR, feel like you want to scratch your eye balls out, REALLY REALLY DON'T LIKE this question.

But everyone and their mother (usually it's the mothers who are the number one culprit) ask it. 

Spoiler Alert! We don't know! And if we did, we don't want to talk about it anyway because that means we are growing up and actually have to do this thing called "life" and try to be semi-successful at it.

That question makes me about as crazy as J beibs. No lie.

Gag.

But yes, I did graduate. With a master's degree so I got to wear a fancier gown and a hood that really just ended up choking me for the entire ceremony but dammit I earned that hood! All of the finance tests, business analyses and way too many group projects went into that silly hood that was heavy and hot but I secretly loved it. I'm part of an elite club now, we're called 'The Masters' and I'm kinda, really friggin' excited about it. 

It wasn't a walk in the park but I did it! I may start introducing myself with MBA at the end of my name now. Just kidding. Or am I....? 

The ceremony was actually not too boring. The governor of Illinois spoke at it, so that was cool. Sure he wants to cut millions and millions of dollars to higher education BUT he did have a decent speech. What better way to say, hey, don't cut so much please, than by asking him to talk at our graduation. Like my daddy said, kill them with kindness. And he's part of the same club. So he's cool I guess. 

We got to see the doctorate students get hooded as well, which was also cool and ALMOST made me consider that maybe I'll try for one. Maybe. I doubt it. But I won't say it'll never happen. But I think I'm going to LOVE not having homework for awhile. LOVE LOVE LOVE that.

But what was even better than the ceremony was that my whole fam bam was there to celebrate with me. Not everyone, but I had quite the entourage coming all 2000 miles from California to little Carbondale, Illinois just for me. My 'cool' aunt who we can all thank for getting this process and career choice, both grandmothers, my cousin, and of course my parents. I had a friend who came down from Chicago too, and we haven't seen each other in about a year and I was so happy to have her there. The funny thing about the 2nd graduation ceremony, it's a whole lot less extravagant.

Hold on. Don't get too excited, let me explain. It's not that it's worth less or more than any other graduations or degrees. I'm still pretty jazzed and really freaking proud of myself. Duh.

It's just that it felt a little deja vu-ish and I was ok with not taking a bajillion photos by the signs and school and with the regalia, etc. I know how hard I worked, and I'm so glad my family and friends were there for me, but I was also alright with not going out to drink and celebrate like crazy afterwards and to getting overly excited and actually had a splendid day hanging out with my boss and his family, my own, my friends and coworkers and just relishing in finishing another chapter. It was 2 years of my life, so it was technically less of a investment of my time than undergrad, but I did a lot of growing up during both times. It's less of a celebration of being done and finished but more of a celebration of continuing onto the next part of my life. So it's just different and maybe less 'fun' and 'crazy' but it was still good and I remembered it all and wasn't nursing a hangover. Winning.

But then my family and friends left and I made it a whole 3 days before I started scouring craigslist and help wanted websites for a summer job, volunteer work, ANYTHING to keep me busy. I put in 5 applications for a big girl career, a few odd jobs and a bunch of volunteer work. I got a call back for a job at a grocery store but wanted someone for more than 3 months...sorry about it, I (pray to sweet baby Jesus) will be long gone. For volunteering though, I figured I'd have to decline some places. Boy was I wrong...no one apparently wants free, human labor without any sort of catch, no class credit or court mandated, just a girl looking to fill her time. I was denied, straight up denied by the library, hospital, nursing homes, the list goes on. Whaaaa?!?? Fine. FINE. Don't take my help than. I'm not bitter. Not at all. It's not like I haven't received enough rejection letters from potential jobs let alone volunteer opportunities...UGH. I just want someone to love me for me!!!

WHO IS A GREAT VOLUNTEER BY THE WAY sheesh.

Ok rant done. 

But a girl can only work out 2 times a day for so long. So I tried again. And low and behold, FINALLY someone appreciated the fact that I'm just a bored, Master's graduate who is looking to fill her time between school and that first job. You're looking at St. Francis' Animal Care Clinc's newest volunteer! It's only been one day and I already love it and will probably go everyday that I am available. YESSSSSS

It's not glamorous. Not in the slightest. I don't even get to work with the animals (yet). I spend the day doing laundry, changing and cleaning pens, sweeping and mopping. In fact a lot a lot of the latter. I wear a smock and head band because the hospital is big but all cement and HOT and I barely finish mopping the hallway before one end of the corridor is already dry. But I love it. I get to work with these really nice older ladies, one of which, Connie, who doesn't really do the whole introduction thing. She just looks you up and down and says "Ok, Baby, follow me, I'll show you the Exam room that needs a'sweeping and a'mopping. Make sure to get under those cages real good now, Baby, and then we can move on to the Pre-Op room. Throw that smock on, Baby, you're gonna get a'dirty today."

In fact there wasn't anything formal about it at all. No tour, just thrusted a broom and a mop and got to it. But I did get to see some animals. The new puppies and dogs have to go under quarantine before being introduced to other dogs so they can get vaccinated and a few new puppies were in one of the rooms. So cute. And they have a specific cat room for the cats and kittens and I cleaned that too. They let some of the cats out to play during the day so that was kind of more interaction, as I had to sweep around a very curious kitty who wanted to attack the broom every time it touched the ground. But when I brought the mop out, he scattered away real quick.

This guy. Cute but really? Don't get me fired on day 1, bro.

I worked for about 2 and half hours, and was dripping in sweat but a huge smile on my face as I walked out of there. Sure, it's not rolling around in daisies with puppies and kitties BUT it is still rewarding playing Cinderella. If Connie is my step mother who makes me sweep and mop and calls me and everyone else in the entire hospital 'Baby', I can be Cinderella just fine. 

An all too accurate depiction of what today was like. But I'm so ok with it.

To be continued!

Whoa, the last time you read one of these was....

...when you rode your dinosaur. Haha! (Lame, corny jokes are still my thing. Sorry I'm not sorry)


Hello! for maybe one of the last times.

It's been awhile, and I know that. I have missed it, but I know now that somethings aren't meant to be put on display and I had a lot of growing up to do these past few months. But I still love writing. And tonight wasn't planned, I hadn't thought this through. This is one of those nights where I just need to write.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. We're done with Competitive Sports, and in a week I will have my last meeting. I signed up for and ran in a half marathon with a friend and coworker. We had our end of the year banquet and my student staff was recognized for their hard work. I went to that big conference that is for all those people in the recreational field and I met some very genuine and sincere people. I made connections from old friends and new friends and I'm looking for a job in the same field because I love it. And back at SIU we never fully slowed down, even as the year is/was ending. We held special events, we worked our butts off, we laughed, we loved, we fought, we cried, and sometimes we laughed until we cried.

I say one of the last times because my adventures in Salukiville are coming to an end very, very soon. 17 days to be exact. Wow. Reread my first blog from 20 months ago and who would have thought this time would come. Not I.

In the past few weeks, I say I've done a lot of growing because I'm going to be apart of the real work force. Not a student, but a contributing adult in society with bills and payments and no homework or papers to write. It's something I have never experienced before. Ever. I won't be looking up grades or checking out potential professor's office hours or deciding if I want to really take that Friday morning class because without it my schedule is so much better suited for 3 day weekend getaways and sleeping in. Nope. All done. I'll have an MBA behind my name and *fingerscorssed* a 9-5 job.

But oddly enough, while I should act like this...

I'm more like this.

And I think that's where the growing has really happened.

I'm much more calm now, and I like to think I've got some thicker skin. I've seen things and experienced more than I ever thought possible but I lived. Not only lived but thrived. I had a momentary bout with depression but I'm feeling better. I still have rough days but things are brighter and I'm sleeping easier. I can probably thank my group therapy for that. But I like to think that it was just a coping process that I experienced with the fact that I knew change was coming and I couldn't do anything about it. But I'm ok now. And I'm ready for a change. And I'm excited and scared but all in all, I'm ready. I've never been more confident in myself and my skills to say that yeah, where ever life takes me, I'm ready for it. For those that know me, that's kind of a big deal. I'm not a naturally confident person and my biggest critic is myself. It's a flaw and it's a work in progress. But at least I am progressing.

There's really only today that I really want to get into tonight. And then we'll go back to our own lives and our merry ways. But this one, it's a good one. Promise.

Today, I ran the GA meeting, our last one of the year. Kind of felt fitting that I should be the one to run it. And because I like my meetings short and too the point, my boss bet me I couldn't finish in 30 minutes. Game on. Before, I never really understood why we, as GA's, had to run the meetings. We do mock interviews, and have opportunities to develop professionally, why should running a meeting be any help. And about half way through the meeting, in the middle of some sort of update being talked about by a person who probably could have told us all about the update via email instead, it all made sense. I was surrounded by my team. Do you see what I did there? I used the possessive pronoun "my". I take ownership of that meeting and those involved, those who are my coworkers and superiors, but they are all MINE. I am leading them all in that moment in time and I am the captain and I get to steer us to whatever agenda I so choose. I am leading my team. And if that was the reasoning behind my Director's decision to have us lead the meetings or not, I don't know. But I know that it resonated with me. We are all forced to sit at that table together. No, really, we are. I didn't hire any of them, and not all of them had a choice in hiring me so we are a forced team. But we're still a team. And sometimes teams need different types of leaders, different roles need to be filled, and different opinions need to be shared so that success can happen. Give us the tools and the chance to figure out where we stand in that team, and we can take ownership of our jobs and the roles we fill. Give us the tools to show our own leaders what we can do, what we can come up with and what we can offer that maybe we wouldn't have been able to if we always sat in the back, and never thought we could own anything.

Oh and I did get us out in 30 minutes and 40seconds. #likeaboss

If I ever get to be a director one day, I will make it absolutely mandatory that each member of my team gets a chance to run a meeting. I get it now. It may have taken me 20 months, but I get it. And I am thankful.

The second part of my story was shortly after that meeting, I had another, more private meeting. At the end of every graduating GA's term, they sit down and have a one-on-one exit interview with our Director. It's intimidating because you're supposed to be honest and answer very difficult questions.

And it was all of that. It was intimidating and they were very difficult questions. But I tried to be 100% honest and he let me talk and say all of the negatives and positives that I had and he just nodded and wrote them all down. And then it was his turn to speak.

He told me how he remembered meeting me on my visit over two years ago on the Rugby field. I was bandaged up from a bad bike accident but he said how I was just beaming with excitement and a fresh energy and he said that he knew that I was special. I was an outsider, I had traveled so far to a place that I had no ties to prior, my boss didn't know my old boss and it all came down to going on a whim and a gut feeling that I knew this was the right place for me. And he thought it was a great thing. He told me that he has watched me grow and work so incredibly hard at my job that he knew that it was never just a job to me. That it was a passion and that my students were always my first priority. He said that he could tell that I was young and naive and needed to learn a lot but he could see that I made an impact on people and that it was for the better. And then he told me that he was honored to have been able to work with me and to see me grow into a professional.

Cue the waterworks. I teared up a little bit but was able to hold it together. Kind of.

To get that accolade from him, that acknowledgement was truly humbling. His words will stay with me forever and there is no gift great enough to replace them. I have never felt so proud to be his GA. I will always know him as my director and I will always be his GA. I am so honored to hold that title.

I won't go into specifics but I didn't feel that my time at SIU was a total failure, nor a total success. I had goals and dreams that I never reached. I had visions and ideas that couldn't be produced outside of a brainstorm. Do I regret it? Never. Not even a little bit. It wasn't always sunshine and rainbows but overall the good outweighed the bad. My boss, Lane, no one can hold a candle next to him, we are such a good team and it will be so hard to leave him. To say he's a good boss doesn't do him any justice. And through all of the trials and difficulties and times we wanted to rip each other's heads off, he always had my back and trusted in me even when I didn't. I will never be able to thank him enough.

I have loved it here. And I will cry when I have to leave this place that I call home. I really do call it home. I own that term, not just for my apartment but for my workplace and for the people who have impacted my life so incredibly much. I will always be a Saluki in my heart and the people at the Rec Center will always be my family. I will always consider the Rec Center as my home. I am so incredibly thankful and fortunate for every experience good and bad and for this opportunity as it was truly astounding and amazing.

It's so close to the end and I am scared for what's next. It's a good scared, an awe-inspiring fear of the unknown. But I am ready.

Look out world. I'm coming for ya.

To be continued.

Where the heck did January go??

Is it just me or did January last all of like 5 minutes??

Sheesh. I try to think back and at first I say, wow, must not have been that great if I can't remember it that well and then it all comes back.

January had a slow start. I was in Boston, in my onsie with my best college friends drinking cheap champagne and watching Ryan Seacrest count down to the New Year. We didn't try to go out as it was impossible to get in anywhere without promising your first born child away so instead we stayed in, played drunk card games and Cards Against Humanity and laughed a lot a lot.

Who needs Times Square when you have friends, a onsie and champagne?

In that moment I was happy. I was happy to be with my friends and happy to start the new year afresh. Isn't New Year an awesome holiday? Everyone thinks that this is it. This is the year that they'll make those resolutions and stick with them, it'll be the best year yet.

All that hope is kind of endearing and really promising. I know that it doesn't always last but I really wanted it to be my year this time. So I made an internal toast to all the promise and hope that 2015 holds for me. Here's to making it last longer than most resolutions. And then we ended up staying up til 3 in the morning just talking and catching up and laughing at old stories and shaking our heads when your gal pals bring up embarrassing 21st birthday memories (or the ones they have as you don't have those memories) and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Boston was fantastic. We got to go to Fenway Park and tour it in all of it's tradition and history. Very cool and very much worth the $17 to go. I dragged the girls to Patriot Place to check out Gillette Stadium where my beloved Patriots play. I was like a child in a candy store. Took way too many photos next to Tom Brady's huge window display and next to those big iron gates. I may or may not have jump started the Patriot profit margins as I spent way too much money on Patriot paraphernalia. Oops. Sue me. We also took a trip to Cambridge to see Harvard which was also awesome. We did the self-guided tour which was $2 (like why should I pay to walk on campus on my own??? And we basically paid to get lost. If it was guided I'll pay a fortune but if I'm on my own...come on now that's nuts) but it was so cool to see all the old buildings and think that some of the world's greatest minds had walked on those very same steps. I know I'm a sucker for historical facts and it was every nerd's dream. The city was also very vibrant and it made me realize that I so badly want to live in a city. Bustle and hustle and movement and energy all the time. That's what I want. I don't care if it's not forever, I just want to try it to say that I have. Boston was cold and it snowed on us but I really liked the city and hope to go back someday.

Boston city skyline. I wish I could take credit for this photo.

It was a good time with the girls and I was sad to leave as I'm not sure the next time we'll all be together again. One is headed to a refuge in the middle of Arkansas to work with the furry animals and see if she is cut out to be a zoo keeper, the other 2 are back in California, one with a job she loves and a company she wants to stay with forever, the other working through getting her master's degree so she can work in the sport business world. But we aren't all together or even remotely close to each other and it's hard. Sometimes I think keeping long distance relationships with friends is even harder than with a romantic partner. Life gets in the way and those group messages can only go on so long. But we try and I have high hopes that we can make it.

I love you, guys.

Coming back to Carbondale after Boston wasn't as bad as I thought. I enjoyed working and not having to go to school at the same time. Actually really excited for when that becomes my reality, work and play, no school. But it went by too fast and I had to work on running a conference within the rec field. It's a big conference almost completely planned by students like me and it was at Purdue this year. A group of about 20 of us worked on it for the last 6 months and we were finally going to have it. Over 500 people came to the conference and the students stay in the Rec gym to keep costs low. It offers educational sessions, demos, and opps. to network with professionals and other students alike. It was a great conference and I had a really good time. I've made quite a few friends and acquaintances in the field and everyone's story is very similar. We're all here because we love it. At Purdue I got to work and spend a lot of time with my aunt's previous boss back when she worked in the Rec field. That was pretty sweet deal and I really liked getting to know people who knew and worked with her, made me fee like yes, this is in fact where you are exactly meant to be right now because she's been here before. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it was comforting to know that someone knew my family, therefore I felt like they already knew me.

At these conferences, there are a ton of presentations on topics that are current to our field and demos, and just a whole lot of learning to be done. Lane and I had the opportunity to present our own presentation at the conference.
Let me just explain this real quick...at these conferences you have to apply to present. Not everyone gets to and it can be kind of a big deal. My boss wanted to do one on a book he had read about leadership, The Energy Bus, by Jon Gordon. It's basically about how to change your perspective on life and enjoy the ride, but also developing your leadership skills, relationships with anyone and everyone and just your basic self-help kind of stuff.

Jury is still out on if these actually 'help'

But it's a pretty good book and very applicable to every day life. It talks about common sense and how to make little changes to make your life better. It's also really really applicable to the Recreational field. So we made a power point, sent in our proposal, found out that we got it and then before I knew it was the day of our presentation. Cue the nervous butterflies and not being able to eat out of shear fear.

I was worried that no one would want to come to a leadership presentation. I mean, it's nothing new or super enlightening, it's just basic common sense, like be courteous, genuine, be positive, get the negative people off your bus, etc. etc. But Lane and I shared our own personal experiences to make it more about us and not so much the book. As the time winded down to a mere hour before I became super nervous. I had never presented at a Rec conference in my life. I've only really presented in my classes. Not in front of professionals who could give me a job or students who might actually think I have my life together. And I had trouble really resonating with the material because I dont' have a success story. Mine is a work in progress, more like under a lot of construction, with no end in sight.

Only Audrey could look that classy and still be in an existential crisis.

As we set up for the presentation, the little auditorium that fits about 50 people filled up really fast. There were people standing in the back, on the stairways and against the walls. We were a fire marshal's worst nightmare. And if I could barely breathe before I surely couldn't then. I was shaking and when we had to finally start my voice cracked like a pubescent little boy. Real smooth, Marissa. Real smooth.

I should probably get that checked out...

But Lane got us going and soon I was able to calm down enough to really engage myself in the presentation. I went ad lib, and we even got the audience to share and discuss too.

Afterwards, I had several different people come up and say how well we had done and I could see Lane's ego expand to ensure he wouldn't fit out the door. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome to have good feedback and people tell you they really were glad they went to your presentation. One gentleman told me it was his favorite presentation he had been to at the entire conference. His favorite! Out of ALL of them! Me and Lane were that cool! Like whoa. That is freaking awesome.

So it was a success and I made some awesome friends who I now have too many inside jokes with and shared lots of laughs and delusional silliness with and I learned through it that I am a good leader, and that I do a really good job at helping students develop professionally and holistically. I'm quiet at times but I'm hands on and an actions speak louder than words type (you wouldn't know it from my blog though).Not to sound too conceded but, I like that part a lot and want to continue to work with students and help them like my mentors helped me.And it always seems like someone is there to help me out at every venture. And that is a really great feeling.

But alas, after all the madness of running a conference and having too much fun with a dash of too much stress mixed in with a whole lot of no sleep I was pretty excited to head back home to my own bed.

Salukiville looked and felt the same once we got back into town. But classes had already started and I was a week behind and needed to catch up real quick. And we had trainings and club practices and just everything kinda seemed to hit all at once. Sheesh, you would have thought we were gone an entire month and not just a few days. But back to the grind and we ended January in kind of a fuster cluck but hey, Lane, PJ and I always seem to work it out. Even when we want to tell each other to kick rocks or to turn their brain on because they make us insane or we don't communicate, we somehow always are able to to bring it all back, take a breath and go "ok, let's get to work". I do take for granted the fact that I can rely on them both so much. And I will miss them both tremendously but for now I'll just cherish their eye rolls and head shakes and the snarky comments we say out of love and respect. PJ has got a reputation of giving me this side glance that is now known as his official look for me. He gives it to other people too, but I'm his favorite target. I end up getting that look daily if not multiple times a day but it's kind of a joke now and then and it just means I'm comfortable enough to say some astounding things that may deserve a questionable look or two. That's just how we roll.

I good representation of the PJ look reserved for me. Other meanings include "I'm going to giver her another chance to try again..." or "She did not just say that. Yes, yes she did." or "How did I end up working here"

Also a PJ and Lane favorite. Sometimes used on other staff and GA's.

The most accurate of looks I get on the daily. My personal favorite and especially reserved for me.

So that's my life pretty much. Work, unneccessary stress, conferences, sometimes school, side-way glances but lots of laughs sum up my January.

To be continued!

It's Been a Long Winter

Hello Lovely Readers,

I know, I know, I know. It's been a really long hiatus and I apologize. Kinda fell off the face of the earth for awhile. 

I can sit here and say I was busy because I was, I could say it was a lot of excuses but it really comes down to I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't happy enough to write. 

I write to express myself. I write because I like to. I like the act of typing and getting my feelings and thoughts out. I always have. I never kept a diary really but I have lots of random thought journals and I have written thousands of letters that have never been sent. And recently I haven't felt like sharing. It was more than avoiding the blog, it was avoiding my feelings, people that are friends, just everything. Normally writing heals me, and I feel better but every time I tried to write I couldn't force myself to say anything. Too depressed to do the things that make me happy. Blogging is definitely one of those.

I had a great winter break. Probably (actually, truthfully) the last winter break I will have as a student and I enjoyed it with both family and friends. But even then I was behind a fog, a haze of anxiety and depression. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and I wasn't sad the whole time. I still genuinely laugh, and smile and I had a good time. I went to Hawaii with my family and then to Boston with college girl friends. And it was an amazing break. Truly. But that fog always was there. Just pushed back a little farther. I can't explain why or how, it just was there. 

I can't pinpoint it to a single event, or even rationalize why it's happening really. It was a bunch of things and nothing really. I had my heart broken, like really, first-real-love really broken. Had to happen at some point I guess, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself. And I still miss someone who I shouldn't miss. I got some less than stellar news about my health- I have PCOS which basically is a blood disorder that means I probably won't be able to have kids. That's kind of a lot to take in as a 23 year old when that isn't even on your radar. But it's crazy to think how you never even thought you wanted something until you're told you can't have it. And I'm currently job searching. And not having a set plan freaks me out. And the thought of moving and changing my life all over again is super scary. Like have nightmares about it freak me out. 

But you would think that these aren't that bad. That I should be able to bounce back from these things and be ok. 

When I got back to school I took up counseling. I think it's helping, but they say it takes time. A lot of  time. And I have an amazing group of friends who are really supportive. Some know about it, others not as much just that I'm sorta, not Marissa, not the real Marissa. I still work really hard, and I think I still do a really good job. Even through it all, I am good at being a GA and working with students and I am proud of that. Our program is still improving and I am very proud of that. Maybe I throw myself into my work as a distraction. And my counselor doesn't think it's the healthiest but that if it seems to work for now, that's ok. Like I said, it takes some time. 

My counselor picked up that I was feeling guilty. Guilty for feeling bad when I have a pretty decent life. And I'm not, not thankful. Truly. i know I have a lot going for me. But he told me something that I never really thought of as an option before but I kind of like it.

He said that it's ok to not be happy for a time period. It isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows and that being unhappy is alright, normal, and you don't have to apologize for it. 

So I'm not going to. I'm not sorry that this is what my current situation is and I'm not sorry that I struggle in areas that maybe others don't. I'll eventually be alright. I am alright, just not yet where I want to be-happy.

And I'm ok with that.

My counselor has me in a different type of therapy now and has asked me to write again. To write out my feelings and thoughts and to take part in the things I enjoy again. To not be scared to say that I'm ok but not-ok. So I'm playing intramural basketball. And I signed up for a half marathon. I am running with a partner and we're both training for the half. I'm going to blog again. I died my hair red. Like Mary Jane from Spider Man red. I love it but it's a lot of up keep. And I've taken up cooking. I currently have way too many meals prepped sitting in my fridge but it has been a good hobby so far. Even if every time I cook the smoke alarm comes on, at least once. No lie. My neighbors must hate me. I think they are over sensitive smoke alarms but oh well. The food still turns out pretty good(minus those portobello mushroom sliders...those turned out kinda gross). 

So next time you hear from me it'll be my usual style of blog. With sarcasm and witty rants and silly photos. Because I'm still me. I'm still sassy-pants-Marissa. I'm still a goofy, young, professional who likes sports but also likes to wear heels. I haven't left. I'm just working out some kinks to make myself better. And isn't that the goal in life? 

To be continued.

P.S. I ask that for those of you that do know me to not be upset or sad for me. Please don't ask me if I'm ok and that you wish happiness or that you're here for me. I know that. And I appreciate it, I really do. But sometimes people don't want pity or attention. I just had to say this for me. To get it out. It's not a cry for help, I'm getting plenty of that already. So please don't bring it up if we should meet. Thank you.