The Weight of Living

I have 2 case write ups, 1 debate, 1 paper and 2 accounting assignments due this week.
I have 7 sport club events at SIU this weekend.
I have 3 sport clubs traveling this weekend.
I have 2 regular IM sports and 1 special tournament.
On top of my 30+ hour normal work week.

But I'll be on my way home in less than 72 hours.

Talk about roller coaster ride…I'm studying in the library, trying to meet with all these different groups (EVERYONE HATES GROUP PROJECTS AND I'M IN 4 OF THEM), figuring out details for this weekend, and trying to just maintain my normal to-do list for the week, but all I can think about is how I'm going to spend Friday with my family, go to my best friend's wedding with my sister and how I'm going to turn off my phone because I won't be able to do anything from 2,100 miles away anyway.

So. Flippin. Excited.

My stress level has been at all time high as I can't sleep and my eating habits are sporadic at best and I am just so ready for this week to be over and to be on that plane back home.
I just want my mommy and mountains and my farm and to just sit with my friends and not have anymore stresses.
Yes, I am a 21 year old who can act mature and can keep composure. I freak out from time to time, but it's pretty rare that anyone sees just how stressed I get. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Today was one of those days where people got to see a little more of my panic-ness. But little did they know that I've already cried 3x today and I'm pretty sure my blood pressure is so high I should go into cardiac arrest and it's only 3:30pm on Tuesday. But I'm fine. Totally fine. (refer to an older blog post on what the real definition of fine actually means)

Calm. Breathe. It's all going to be alright.

I actually am doing better because, a) I'm blogging and no joke, it's super therapeutic b) my staff is stepping up to the plate and i'm so proud/happy/relieved c) my lovely chat with a complete stranger at a cafe totally put me back into perspective.

The conversation started with him asking how far Cairo was from Carbondale, I had to explain that I'm not a local and didn't have the slightest idea how far it was or even what direction it was in.
That led to where I'm from, and how he loves this little cafe because the hype over starbucks is too much for him. Mind you, this guy was in sandals, chinos, a hawaiian shirt, and a straw fedora. He looked like he was about 60/65 and should have a cuban hanging from his lip as he was wearing gaudy jewelry and had his shirt open so that you could see his gold chain and cross on his chest.
Good lord, dude, go back to 1970. This is Carbondale. Who are you?
He went on to talk about coffee and how it's best from Columbia and then that led to how he's been there and if I've traveled and all that jazz...
Heck, why not talk to this old man who looks like he should be on an island sipping a pina colada?

Seems totally rational.

But I'm stressed and he's not going anywhere, my laptop is on my lap so I can't run away so we're going to just sit here and chat I guess. After hearing my story of why I was out in Illinois he goes,
"But you aren't happy here."
"Um, no I wouldn't say I'm not happy, but my happiness level has been higher I guess."
"Don't lie to me, honey. You look like someone bought you a puppy and then they ran it over with their car."
"Oh. Well. Ok, you got me."
"So what's wrong? Why so blue, honey?"
"Well. Ok. Um. This is weird. But as of right now, no I'm not very happy. Work is hard. Sometimes. Mostly because there is just so much at once and then other times nothing. And because I feel like sometimes I'm not being heard. And school sucks. It always has but these teachers are vague and demanding all at the same time. And I hate group projects because I end up doing all the work. And I need to learn how to say no. I can't though and I get walked on. And I miss my old friends. My new friends are good, but I miss those connections I had. And I miss my family…." This went on and on. I couldn't stop. I told him everything from my life at work and at home and how it never feels like I can get away and when I do all I do is worry that something will go wrong.

Just at about the time I ran out of breath, he started to chuckle in a deep voice. And then he sighed and said "You feel that weight? That weight on your shoulders? That's the weight of life. That's the weight of just being alive and living. You're not the first to have these problems. And I sympathize with you, I really do. You're young and just trying to make it in the world, and I've been there darlin' I really have. But you'll be alright. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and your eye on a very bright future. Don't set the bar any lower. But I'm going to leave you with this. The real key to life is learning how to carry that weight of living on your back your whole life. It doesn't go away. No. Not ever. But it's weight fluctuates. One day you'll be strong as an ox and can carry a lot more than you thought you ever could in a million years. And other days you're going to feel like a bug underneath someone's shoe. Don't you worry honey, life's weight will always be there but you can carry it. Not that you have much of a choice, but once you learn to take time to appreciate the little things like your grandkids' laughter and sharing a good cup of coffee every morning with the love of your life for 40 years, you'll realize that the weight ain't all that bad…" He kinda coughed and grabbed his paper and then said "You take care now, honey." And patted my knee.
And he left me just sitting there in that cafe speechless. I didn't even get to say good bye or thank you. I think I managed a nod.

I don't think what he has said has really impacted me yet. I'm still in shock and still whirling from such an odd ordeal but very thankful that it all happened.

Who knew that my saving grace would come in the form of an older gentleman in a fedora and hawaiian shirt?

To be continued.

Yeah.. I got nothing for a title.

Hello there!

Why so chipper? This chic just finished a presentation for her marketing behavior class. And this chic and her  group got a B+ (if you round) on it! BOOM
Bonus points: We had little to no actual group work done. We divided it up, individually put it on power point, never once read it over together either and busted it out like it was nobody's business. AND we had less than the normal allotted time because our professor lectured for wayyyy too long so we had to rush through 16 slides in less than 7minutes. We nailed it!

So yeah, my night was pretty decent considering I have class til 9 (boo, who does that??) and I'm running off of less than 5 hours of sleep and on top of IM's and Sport clubs we have a 30+ team basketball tournament to run this week and 5 events for this weekend and it's family weekend which means tons more people and tons more work and I desperately need to do laundry, dishes, grocery shop as I'm down to my last yogurt cup and my new credit card bill just came in the mail and i hate growing up and paying bills and we had our electricity shut off for over 24 hours because of the company's mistake (ugh..idiots!) AND I still haven't found a dress to wear to my best friend's wedding which is only 8 days away but I ain't even mad, bro.

Nope. Life is good.

It's all about perspective. Things started off a little stressful this week but it's better. A little hiccup in communication but the roomie and I talked it out and we're good. I have a job, I'm in grad school getting B+'s, I have friends, I like my staff, I think they like me (or at least they put up with me), and I get to see my family in a week.
Yep. Life is good. Very good.
Tomorrow I plan on going to class, coming back to work, finishing the schedule for the weekend and then probably dress shopping with Kaylee.

Speaking of Kaylee, (don't mind me tonight, I'm just super ADD and will probably jump from topic to topic with no real transition at all) I had the pleasure of going to lunch with her and her boyfriend yesterday. They're both kinda high school sweet hearts, have adorable southern accents, and EXACTLY what I pictured a southern couple to look/talk/act like. She's a southern belle, very sweet but sassy in a good way and he's very much a gentleman who dotes on her like every good guy should for his girlfriend. They just melt my heart and now I'm kinda hoping to find me a southerner just so he can talk to me all day long. Ok, that's a lie, (I fully plan on going back to the west coast so no illinois boys for me) but I do love listening to the different accents out here. There's a really big range, Chicago, southern, midwestern, northern-ish like wisconsin and minnesota (my personal favorite and the one I pick up on the quickest) and others I can't quite put my finger on. I've heard accents before, obvi, I've traveled abroad and heard some definite distinct ones but they're just soooo prevalent and so different, I'm in an accent hot spot and I pick up a different one every day it feels like.

In other news, in addition to the friends I was roof-top chilling with, some of the staff members have become my favorite people. It's mostly the girls who work in the office daily but I'll take it. Two of them are blonde and blue eyed like me and last weekend we went out to celebrate one of their birthdays. We all three walked into the bar and the first thing the bartender said was "Looks like we got ourselves some triplets!" I died. We all look very much alike and we now have inside jokes and are starting to pick up on each others habits. Like how we got the birthday girl a card that was very immature, but VERY funny and we 3 are literally rolling on the floor laughing but everyone else looks at us like we're lunatics. And how we call everyone and everything that we think is dumb 'idiots' but say it like we're football players with a deep voice just because we can and how they absolutely looooove to tease me about everything. Like being a dumb blonde 99% of the time (only blondes can rag on blondes. duh) Mostly dancing tho. Let me explain... I like to dance when I go out. Not that I have good moves, I'm very much a white girl but I just like to move to the beat and a little liquid confidence helps it along too.

Well the other two know this now and they now know just how many jack and cokes can get me to that dancing diva level. They pretend to be embarrassed (I'm not, nobody knows me except a whopping 4 people usually) and judgmental but they totally encourage it and are entertained by me. I'm ok with that because then I sometimes can get them to dance with me. So it's a win-win for everybody.

Another thing I've learned in Carbondale…
Quick background -
Let's get one thing straight. I am NOT, from SoCal. Never will claim it and I barely claim the bay area and that's only because people do not know California geography out here (I don't know Illinois's other than Chicago and that I'm no where near it so we're even).
But I do have a west coast vocab.
Like right there…I shortened 'vocabulary' to 'vocab'. It's all about the abbrevs, baby. Ain't nobody got time for that. Obvi.
So I say 'obvi' and 'perf' and 'totes' and if it can be made into an acronym, even better. So I catch a lot of shit for that. For example, I have some pretty bad scars from a bike accident last winter. Someone asked in front of a few members of staff what happened, and I said…"These? They're scars from a bike accident that happened about 6 months ago, it was a pretty gnarly crash-" They all started howling with laughter.
Um. Excuse me. Rude. I thought they were laughing at how I crashed my bike. (It was really bad, I don't remember parts of it and had to be taken to the hospital via ambulance, which is way more expensive than a limo ride and a whole lot less fun let me tell you…) But no, they go "Oh, you're serious..What? 'GNARLY'?? No…you don't actually say that do you???"
I had no idea I even said it. It was so natural, I was just like, "Uh, ya, ya I did.. What's wrong with gnarly?"

Cue the surfer bro talk and hang loose signs…like whoa duuude…

Cool. Now I'm really that dumb blonde from Cali who says 'hella', 'gnar gnar', 'gnarly', 'totes' 'perf'…the list goes on and on and everyone totally notices and looks at me like I'm a freak. My favorite saying is 'Sucks to suck' and I've been saying it for awhile, along with 'solid' and those are becoming more popular with people I'm around. Even my professor said 'sucks to suck' the other day after handing back a few papers that, I guess, didn't have the best quality that he's seen before.

Hilarious.

I also learned a few of the phrases, like how "salty" doesn't mean salty like the sea. Oh no. That makes too much sense. Here they use it like "I'm upset" or "angry" or "butt-hurt". For example, one of my staff had to do some extra work, manual labor stuff, which I thanked him for but he said, "If I don't get sup of the year I'm going to be very salty…"

My reaction, precisely.

They use it all the time. I hear it everywhere…"Don't be salty about it." "He was so salty." "Ohmigawd, that makes me real salty."

YOU ARE NOT A CRACKER YOU CANNOT BE SALTY

And I'm the weird one. Ok, ya sure thing…

Ok, I'm tired and going to stop now but here are some pictures to show off my new home a bit more.

The campus lake. Pretty. But you don't want to swim in that.

Running trails. If you all thought Davis was flat… that bump at the very end is the biggest hill in all of Carbondale.

Some inspirational chalk I found on my way to class. The "Your face is like sunshine." one is just too good. 

When I ask my sups to draw me pretty pictures on the sup report, this is what I get. (A+ on the ice cream cone, nicely shaded)

My previous blog post talked about the care package from home. So much fun in one little box! Thank you SeaStar!

Bday girl after her 'bj' shot. Downed it like a boss.

We're the triplets. I'm the tall one. (yes! finally! i'm considered tall!)

Miles and miles of green fields and blue skies. I miss my mountains but it's not a bad view. I could get used to it.

To be continued!

Tuesday night rooftop chillin

I just got back from a pretty legit night.

Didn't plan on it. Didn't really even want to do anything. Didn't really think Carbondale had many cool things to do.

But, oh, was I wrong.

I've started to hang out with a particular group of kids. They're pretty chill, mostly guys and 1 girl and we just hang. Not much crazy, cool, exciting, blog worthy things, but just, you know, hang. And I love it.
Tonight after work I got a text from one of them saying how they planned on going out that night. On a Tuesday? Like for real? I'm too old for that shit. But I cave. Ok. Count me in.

So I go, pick up another friend and we meet at a local bar. On a Tuesday. Wtf, am i doing? ok, i won't stay long. We're waiting for the others to show, one guy ditches and I start to think oh man. this is gonna be lame, i don't know anyone, why am i here when i could be sleeping… But the majority of the crew shows and we're watching people play pool, and chit chatting. A few go outside and then I follow. Randomly one of the guys goes, "Dude. Let's go on that roof top."

What? The roof? Seriously? What???

So he motions for us to follow and we blindly follow this guy. He leads us to the back outside patio area of the bar, to a fence with a gate and we go out, into an alley and he climbs the fence and shimmies his way onto this rather low roof top.
Umm ok? So I climb. In my sandals. (I gotta start wearing real shoes, my feet are getting torn up out here from broken glass to roof tops) I get to the top and we start walking on the roof hiding from the other bar go-ers, just checking it out. One of them goes, oh shit, they can totally see us. So we drop like idiots thinking ya if we just duck nobody can see us.
Mind you, I'm not that close with any of them, I'm just here to be social. If we get caught they're leaving my ass behind and I'm going to get stuck in trouble. Also…I'm not particularly found of heights. Solid.
But anyway, we realize no one is making a fuss so if we were seen they didn't care. And so we just sat up there, talking and chilling and seeing how far we could go on just roof tops. We're next to a street corner though so not that far. But it was super cool up there, not because of the view, as the tallest building I think is maybe 4 stories and that's pushing it, but it was exhilarating and totally random and just super cool. Writing it all down definitely makes it sound less cool than it was but I promise you, it was awesome. We jumped between buildings which, totally freaked me out and it took some coaxing on their part to get me to do it (ok, a lot, that gap was way smaller than it seemed but I was scared) and thought about throwing our beer bottles at random things and people to confuse the shit out of them (we didn't though, i swear) and it was just ugh, i can't say this enough, just so cool. I love times when you don't plan anything, awesomeness just happens. and memories are made and just as fast as it happened it's over.

So that was my Tuesday night. Pretty solid Tuesday night if you ask me.

Sorry for the random ramble I just wrote but you'll get over it. It's my blog and I couldn't just not document this. Literally too cool. (as if I don't say cool enough.)

To be continued!

I got 99 problems but a Snitch ain't one...

It's Sunday, another weekend come and gone.

My weekends are probably more work than another day of the week. And yet, I still go out.

Dumb life choices, Marissa…DUMB

But while my mom's voice in my head goes "Now don't do anything I wouldn't do."(she's on par with angels so I crossed that line a long time ago) and my dad's with his "Do as I say, not as I did." (let's be real, he was WAY crazier than I will ever ever be) I can't help but think "I totally can go out and drink and not go to bed til 3 and still get up for work at 7:30. Totes. I got this."

Ya, ya, ya, keep judging. Haters gonna hate.

But I did it anyway (sorry mom) and it was all aboard the struggle bus that morning at work but I got up, took a cold shower and made my way to set up for the tournament with my staff in tow. hey it's like Drake said, YOLO. (gag. I died a little saying that. but you get my point)

Otherwise this weekend wasn't anything super crazy. We celebrated a friend's birthday, played drunken apples to apples, watched The Breakfast Club and was able to maneuver out of a rather awkward dance floor situation that involved a choreography of strategic dance moves, my own rendition of Beyonce's Put A Ring On It, and spilling my jack and coke (not the Jack!). But since my mother and my nana and my boss read this that story will be saved for a later date. 

I don't have a problem. I just don't like to not be social. And I'm learning the hard way that the mid-west takes drinking to a new level. It really should be a sport out here, it's down right impressive. I try to hang and then case-en-point…I have to wear my sunglasses and clutch my cup of coffee like it's my bible, all while setting up pop-up tents for a Quidditch Tournament. Yes, quidditch, like Harry Potter, brooms and the flying snitch.

My life sometimes…you can't make this shit up. 

So ya, the Californian is struggling with keeping up with the locals. But I'm getting there, or I'll at least learn how to fake it til I make it. That's my theme this year I think, faking it til I make it. If I ever do make it, I'll let y'all know.

So yeah, Quidditch. It's a real club, they had a real tournament and look it up, but it has a real association, real rules, real people playing. They go all out too, hoops, broom sticks, quaffles, bludgers, a snitch, the whole 9 yards. And they play really hard. We had to call the ambulance out twice and another 2 went to the hospital on their own with a dislocated shoulder, and a possible fractured collar bone. All in the life of a quidditch player. Don't worry it's ok to be a little weirded out. I was too.

The other tournament was Ultimate frisbee. They're a world of their own as well. They run around in long basketball shorts, soccer cleats and bro tanks chasing a frisbee for hours and hours. I think some are part dog because they just don't stop ever, they literally drool over catching a frisbee and the way they can make that frisbee fly is unnatural at best. but they're a cool bunch.

This weekend was supposed to be a homework weekend though, but with the tourney's going on, I felt compelled to be out there. Do I have staff to do that? Duh. Will it work probably just fine with out me? Probs. But out I go. 

And here's where I had yet another light bulb moment. 

I was sitting watching Ulitmate frisbee with a guy on my staff. I've gotten to know him more and he's pretty cool. Super sarcastic, very cocky, not at all apologetic for anything he does or is and has a very big, i do not give a flying **** attitude. But he's hilarious. All I do is laugh and throw sarcastic retorts right back at him. Reminds me very much of my guy friends back in Davis. (Btw, if any of you are reading this, would it kill you to drop a call sometime? I miss you, you ass holes.) 

So we're making snarky remarks and talking about the job, why the heck I'm out in So. Ill. instead of Cali, etc. and he explains how much better life would be if he was in charge. He's got it all worked out, use the turf fields for all the IM's, say suck it to athletics, get all new awesome gear, and not have so many flipping sport clubs (we have 40), and make the students do everything, etc, etc. Everything he's saying is totally ridiculous for the most part and he's just being a smartass. But he kinda did make some good points. Like why was I there? He had it handled for the most part and it doesn't take an army to watch people play frisbee.

Cue the wheels a turnin. 

I had planned on leaving for lunch anyway but then as I left and got home I was like, why go back? So I called him and pretty much said, you got it, dude. I did have to drive the rec truck over for clean up but then I gave him the keys and was like, here ya go. 

And get this? Nothing bad happened. 

Shocker. I know. 

But this is really good. I need to not micro-manage everything. Recently I haven't had a whole lot of responsibility and so I have felt the need to be in the middle of every little thing. But that's not why I got hired. They don't need supervisors, they need GA's to manage, from afar. So I tried it. And just like how I want to take on more and be a bigger role, my staff does too. This is their job and they take it seriously. Smartass-pants was totally game, and was like, get me the truck and I got everything else. I now call him A-team now. They all are, I just had to give them a chance to prove it.

This whole letting go thing has come at the best time too, as we have a pretty big week long basketball tourney. It starts tomorrow and I'm not quite fully staffed yet but I think for the most part, I can count on my A-team. I'm going to and I'm totally using this as my own little experiment but so far, they've been clutch even as I'm running behind and quickly becoming panicked. GAwannabe from previous entries already has helped a lot with finding officials. And other staff has stepped up asking me where and when they can help.

I call that a win in my book. 

Come Friday, we'll see if this worked out or not. But my hopes are high.

In other news… my aunt is getting MARRIED! She's the super cool aunt that everyone wants to be…she lives in LA with her boxer dog, Polly, works at a university that sometimes gives her season tix to the Laker games where she bumps into Will Ferrell and sits across the aisle from Jack Nicholson and she had Macklemore steal her dish towels because he was playing at Occidental College and wouldn't do the show if he didn't have a hand towel but he never gave it back. She started her career in recreation too. In fact she worked with my boss's boss (more proof that I made the right choice). And she's loving life and if I can end up at least with half of what she has (I could do without the tix, cough*goceltics*cough but Macklemore? Oh ya, sign me up) in her career I'd be set.

The guy is pretty cool too, I got to know him more as I went on my graduation trip to Paris with both he and her. So I'm very excited about this announcement. 

Also in other news… In 11 days I will be on a plane back HOME! askdfgoqwejf lsdjfqeorhv aihlajdsdfa ahhhhhhhhh I'm so so so so sososososos excited! It's going to be a crazy weekend where I fly in, go to a wedding and fly right out but I will be in California watching my best friend get married and I can eat my mother's home cooked meals and be around mountains instead of plains and plains of corn. I just got a package from home too, to get me even more excited! It was filled with lots of goodies from my SeaStar (my sister, we call each other that, why, no clue but we do. we are not normal). I now have a coloring book, horton hears a who movie, despicable me band aids, a california shot glass, home made cookies, colored pencils, starbursts, chai tea, and a new picture of the whole fambam at my college graduation.

I opened it up and read my SeaStar's note, started to cry and then laugh and then cut myself with the scissors opening it and proceeded to use a new band aid. She knows me so well! It was just what I needed and I plan on sending a Salukiville package back. But maybe after I go home. 

ALSO in other news…Sorry this is becoming as long as a novel but last one promise… I am going to New York to see my bestest and oldest friends from Davis! They are both fashion interns and I don't know why or how we became such good friends for so long but we are and am not missing my chance to see them in the Big Apple! NEW YORK, Empire State, Jay-Z, the Bronx, Central Park, the Yankees, the city that never sleeps! ahhhhh so much excitement next month I could just burst.

Oh yeah, and it's my birthday soon. Once October gets here, I pretty much reserve the entire month to celebrate it. Sorry I'm not sorry.

To be continued!

Giving and Taking

Hey hey there.

I've been neglecting my blog as of late, my apologies. But it's been crazy busy and when it's not all I want to do is sleep. Or watch tv. But I just don't want to do anything that requires thinking.

Class is good. It's getting harder and I'm finding more and more that if you don't do ALL of the readings you're screwed. Gone are the years of baloney and BS-ing of papers and discussions. Dammit.
I guess that's what makes it grad school.

But instead of giving you a play by play of each and every day since I last wrote I'm switching it up, and just going to talk about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, that sorta thing.

Ok before you go thinking I'm so weird emo child who's off her rocker, hear me out. It's still adventures just not my lame day to day life.

So here we go.

I had a couple of realizations/experiences/learning curves this week. The first being that I have a problem with trying to be the new girl at the same time trying to be a boss. Some of my staff is older than me. And they have obviously been at SIU a whole lot longer than I. So the concept that I should be telling them what to do is still kinda weird to me. This last week though, oh boy. I think they got it really quick that I am not someone to just lay down and die.
The deal with IM sports is that as a supervisor you have a pretty un-glamorous job. Show up, tell refs what to do and then stand and supervise. Hence, the name Supervisor. It's not rocket science.
But this day happened to be a bit more of a struggle. 3 sups were assigned a shift. Only one person really is needed to grab the gear and start the shift. But instead of COMMUNICATING with each other, all assumed that someone would do it. Someone other than themselves. All of them.

What happens when you ASSUME people?? Com'on you know it…It makes an ASS out of U and ME. True story. (I hated whenever my mom used this but I totally had to use it and kinda play mom disciplining the kids. gag)

Anyways, ya, they all assume the other is going to be their and then bam. All of them are late and none of the gear is ready. Solid. I just happened to check on the fields as another GA needed to go out and watch a few games for his writing class and I told him I'd show him around…boy are my sups unlucky.
So I'm there and it's about 15min to game time and there are refs but no sups. Wait. What? No…
10min now and nobody. Ok.. wtf. not cool. I'm calling and texting and getting more and more angrier and stressed by the second.

One shows up. Apologizes, says he was here earlier but none of the gear was and had to drive back to the Rec to get it all. (Be on time and this wouldn't be a problem.) So he gets an earful from me but I can't spend too much time as he has to single handedly set up the other games. I go out with him to help, all the while calling and calling and calling. Finally, one picks up. Low and behold, it's the kid who wants to be a GA. Ohhh buddy…that's a great way to start. "Yes, I'd love to be considered for a professional position but I can't show up on time for my job." That'll go over real well. He answers, totally unaware, "Hey, what's up?"
He's so not ready for this.
"WHERE ARE YOU???"
he gets it now and starts to panic.
"I'm on my way to the fields, why, I had a meeting but I'm going right now why, what's wrong?
"Why would you not let us now you had a meeting? WHY? You. Are. Late. Get here. Now."
CLICK. (well it was on my iPhone so you don't get to slam the phone down with a satisfying crash, or click, the touch screen just doesn't have that effect.)

I now can see the 3rd sup pull up, 2nd one, GA kid, close behind. They both rush down and strategically go to the field I'm not on. I can still see you and you can't hide, nimrods. They get the games going and I walk over to them, calmly, trying to contain my anger.
Why so angry? They have a very easy job. There's not a whole lot to manage, it's not very high risk and it's fun. I have a problem with people not taking it seriously though. I also don't like it when people (any people not just sups) think they're getting away with not taking it seriously. Do your job. It's your job, you're not entitled to anything because of it, just do it and do it right. (Gosh I sound like my dad it's kinda frightening.)
I chastise them but I'm calm and collected, I think, for the most part. They apologize, promise up and down it won't happen again, blah blah they've heard it all before.
But later I have a talk with GAwannabe. I hate playing bad cop but this isn't going to fly if he wants to be taken seriously. But as I was standing there trying to convey myself as an authority figure, I noticed that I'm pretty sure he's not taking me seriously but that none of the sups take me seriously. I'm from California, I haven't shown any skills yet other than office work and they already have a very Type A personality GA who they take very seriously. It makes sense. But it sucks.

So what now?

I finish the talk and just ask he try a little harder. After watching a few games and chatting with the other GA about his writing project, and we get on the subject of why we're doing our perspective GAs and what we want for the future. I want a lot. I want to be successful and to not have a boss, I want to be THE boss. I want to run my own program and run it really really well, so well that I don't have to be there and it'll work like a well-oiled machine without any hiccups. But as I'm talking I'm realizing that that's never going to happen. I need other people's help. Especially those underneath me. Point in case: the Sups.
After this light bulb moment I pretty much feel like crap. I feel like the only one that wants me here is me. And that's not ok. And that moment of feeling sad turns into frustration and anger because I know I deserve respect and to be taken seriously. Very seriously. I have good ideas and I am willing to learn too. I can be good. I know I'm good. But how to get them to get that? You can't just say "Oh ya, I'm awesome." and have them believe you.

On a different night, I go out again. This time after a difficult class I just wanted to watch some sports and de-stress. I'm watching and talking with the sups. We somehow get on the subject of what the GAs in the rec do. I explain a few positions and talk about how we have GA meetings, etc. One of the sups says then seemingly joking, "How do you know? You're not a GA."

But I'm stunned. They don't even see me as a GA? Am I that bad?

After some thinking and some reflection on how to respond, I basically throw in the towel and just go "Listen. I know I'm new. And I don't know a lot. I don't do a whole lot for you it seems. But I need your help. I need you guys to help me learn and show me the ropes. I'm not going to write you up, and I'm not going to play hard-ass boss with you. But if you help me, I can most definitely help you later on."

And that was it. Boom. They go "Yeah. We know. We can help."

The rest of the night we watched games, I learned more about reffing and what they do on the job. I asked, they answered and I think I learned more from that one night out there then I have in a week.

I now feel like one of them. Not only are they joking with me but when I ask, they do it. We can flip the switch from friends to business quickly. And it's good. I have a place. And that's really good.

Once I showed that I do take it seriously and just was honest, they understood. That's all it took. No magic, nothing major, just very honest, hey I'm trying but I need you too. The respect is mutual.

How do I know for sure? I was on the phone with another sup, a girl named Sally, who called me saying she would be late to rugby as she had a lot of gear from baseball.  One of the staff who's on baseball was there and over heard. I didn't ask him to do anything out of the ordinary or to help her more than normal. I didn't even ask him to do anything, really.
I got a text tonight from the sup working. I was confused and asked why she was thanking me. She goes "I don't know what you said to him, but he and his team are now helping me with all the gear. Thank you, it's a big help." I smiled to myself and just said "you're welcome".

That's how I know. And I didn't even have to ask.

My crazy week Part 2

I left you all with how I had practiced with the girl's soccer club.

Well allow me to explain the rest of the week.

Wednesday was a busier day in class and the start of IM street hockey.

If you've been reading previous blog entries you'll notice that I tend to slightly hyperventilate over seemingly not important things. Well, today was a big hyperventilating day. I was so nervous about street hockey as the refs I hired were just freshman and never reffed any game of any sport in their life, let alone a game of hockey that's not really hockey, it's got the sticks and the goal but that's about it, and another case study was due in class which meant for more shark feeding frenzies…god he really freaked me out with that phrase. I didn't' think I was scared of sharks, but I am forever scarred now.

Terrifying.

Anyways, so Wednesday's class comes and goes, no feeding frenzy again, although it did get to be a heated debate a bit but as long as it wasn't me up at the podium, all is good.

I head back to the office and set up all the gear, game sheets, first aid, etc. for St. hockey.
We play st. hockey out at this park that's technically on campus but it's behind the freshman dorms and at the back of this random parking lot. There are 2 lights that you just have to hope will turn on once the sun goes down and it's all rather sketchy. It's a cement rectangle, painted blue with lines like a hockey rink but it's cracking and the chain fence around it has seen better days. There are bleachers on one end that you can obviously tell are the main late night hang out for the freshman. On wednesday I guess I ruined a few people's plans that probably involved an apple and mary jane but i assume they got over it.  Before heading out there though, I had to grab all of the hockey sticks which were down in the basement of the rec. It was in a storage closet under lock and key that I, myself, did not have a high enough pay grade to obtain said keys.
So I ask the custodian about 30min before I needed to leave to let me in. He can't open it.
He jiggles, pushes, pulls, just about everything but break down that door to try to get it open.
No luck.
I'm about ready to yell, "AM I ON PUNK'D???? THIS ISNT FUNNY ASHTON!!" I just, can't even, no, just so mad.
It's kind of imperative to have hockey sticks to play hockey. Just watch 3 seconds of hockey and you'll see that's the case.
It's hot down there and kinda not very well lit and creepy and we're trying to break into a storage closet for some flipping hockey sticks.

This is my life.

Finally after going up to the first floor about 6 times calling different people to help, we manage to force our way in. (it's better if you just assume we got the key to work)
I'm now going to be late for the first game if I don't somehow magically appear at the field immediately. solid. But I have to carry this awkward under-sized garbage container filled with about 15 sticks just flailing about and somehow get them in my car. In negative 5 minutes.
And y'all wonder WHY i stress out. sheesh.

I manage to do it and race over only to find my other sups and the refs just chilling. They're playing hockey even. Somehow they found some hockey sticks and brought them out. They're ready to go.
I went from stressed and apologetic, and flustered about being late to

in about 1 nanosecond. Flat.

I have a mini temper tantrum and question all the effort I put in for absolutely nothing right there in the parking lot. The sups laugh and go "geez, chill, we got this" and never did tell me where they got the hockey sticks but whatever, I think they saw the steam coming from my ears so they laid off.
The night went well and the refs didn't do half bad for being rookies and it was a pretty fun night. We even played a bit when there was some time before the next game and I found that I pretty much suck at hockey. Surprise, the girl from California can't play hockey. Shocking.

On to Thursday.
I don't have class until 6ish so I spent the day working on the sport club side of things. When teams travel, we have to prepare them with 100 trees worth of paperwork. We also are in charge of the club's funds so that means pretty much all money has to go through us too. Credit cards are used to pay for things but we don't give them to the clubs, we handle it all.

One club comes in and has to sign up for insurance online. I pay for it, and get a receipt so that we can get paid back. Well, low and behold you can't just do that. I pretty much broke every rule when it comes to club sport finance, to put it gently, and spent the rest of the day scrambling to fix it. It all worked out and I made a seemingly big deal, a slight boo-boo and quickly put a band-aid on it. My boss was super testy that day and I'm pretty sure he was ready to throw his chair at me but like I said, I fixed it and it turned out to be just fine.
But I didn't really like the fact that THAT particular club made me kind of look bad, really bad. whatever. over it. (see sometimes I stress and sometimes I'm like, whoa. nbd. slow your roll)
I talk to the pres and explain what went wrong and how we have to move forward in a different way. He goes "ya sounds good, sorry about that, but oh yeah did you get our hotel for this weekend?"
I almost fainted.
Excuse me? You're traveling this weekend?? This is a joke. TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE
(About 2 weeks ago he had come into the office with every travel request for the semester. The entire semester in one shot. That's efficient but….case in point, I lost one)
Cue the panic attack.

Now I'm REALLY stressed. This whole convo was via text and I still had about 2 hours left in class. 

So now I can't focus but it's my super monotone professor so who is really, but all I can think is holy cow, my team is leaving and they don't have a hotel, what the heck, how did this happen???

Bust out of class, and go straight to the office. I spend the next TWO HOURS calling hotel after hotel because no hotels had any openings let alone 4. No it couldn't just be a little tournament or a single game now that'd make my life way too easy, it had to be one of the bigger fall tournaments in the area. 

That's just dandy.

I find a decently priced place that's about a 20min drive from where they really need to be but that's better than sleeping in their cars.

Whew.

Friday morning comes and goes but I want to have a little chat with this club team guy…cuz within a very short span of time he went from nice and seemingly not trouble causing (he also works for us on staff, the one that wants to be a GA too) to Houston, we have a problem, lickety-split. 

It's not the guy's fault, obviously. All is on me. But the fact that all hell broke loose 2x in one day over the same team isn't very good. And I don't like looking or feeling like I can't handle this job. I can. I just need a little help. Like more advanced notice about traveling. Yeah he turned in the paper but a little reminder would have been helpful. That's one club of 15 I directly oversee and there's about 4 more that are overlooked by the GAs and my boss jointly. On top of IMs. and class. I'm not super woman, nor am I going to favor any one team. And 3 other teams were traveling this weekend as well. Give me a break ya? I'm trying, I am. But I never claimed I could do this on my own.

Friday was better though. After getting some IM things done and dealing with the fiasco I had managed to find myself in with clubs, I went to a brewery outside of Carbondale. 

It was with the college of business club and my friend, Tessa, who we met the first day I was here, invited me. 

It was so much fun and although it wasn't a big group of us, it was so incredibly nice to meet other people not affiliated with my job. A lot of them are international students, or are from other countries and moved here. There was a guy from France, Columbia, and Saudi Arabia. I wanted to be like why the HECK would you come to Carbondale?? (finally i get to ask the question and not vice-versa)

They answers were pretty rational actually. It's a fairly good school, as it's smaller and the networking opportunities are better. You have a better chance creating real relationships with your professors here than at a large school. Ok, makes sense. The college of business is pretty well known apparently and offers a very good program. (really, I knew it was decent but ok, score!) and it's fairly close to Chicago and the east coast. Ok then. You made your point. well done. 

So I ended up drinking some really really good beer (the brewery was beautiful and small but the beer was very flavorful and I may enjoyed too much but it wasn't a repeat of the winery incident. promise.) and chatting with adults who had been like me, not from Illinois (or the US really) not knowing the area or anyone and are happy. They like it, ya it's not always super great and they have some complaints but who doesn't in just about every place that you live? If they can manage, I can.

We ended up going out that night as well and I got to meet up with some of my work friends there too.

It was a pretty good night until I broke my phone, but hey silver lining. 

Saturday was another tailgate day and football game but it wasn't as crowded as the previous weekend. It may have had to do with the fact that it was an earlier game, a day game and so tailgating started way too early for me, like 10am. After getting a new phone but not being able to retrieve anything (sucks to suck) we ended up walking around the tailgate and playing bags for a bit before going for ice cream. We are really just kids in grown up bodies.

That night though, some friends wanted to go out but I was tired but never the one to say no, I said I'd join and then leave once they left for the bars.

Well funny story…they like to tow a lot around here. Apartment complexes, bars, stores, middle school parking lots…ya they'll tow you. I knew this and couldn't find visitor parking so I thought "it's not going to take very long, I'll be back within the hour, I'll just park across the street where there's a middle school." I go in, hang for a bit and go back out.

No car.

My car is gone. At first I thought it had gotten stolen and I wanted to cry. But everyone was like 'oh..dude, yeah they tow over there. you got towed for sure.'

what?? It's a middle school. No one lives there, I wasn't taking anyone's spot and there were NO SIGNS saying no parking.

So stupid. Stupidstupidstupidstupid gahhhh sostupiditmakesmehurt

One of the girls goes 'well that sucks. want a drink? you could probably use one.'

Can't argue with that logic. So I go with them and it wasn't terrible but it wasn't exactly my best night out ever since I was in a pissed off mood. But I got over it since it seems you aren't a true Carbondale-ian if you haven't gotten towed once or twice.

I could totally go to court and pull a Californian move there since we like our signage and rules in California and they did not have anything saying I couldn't park there. But, once I learned it's not outrageously expensive like back home I was mad but more like...

B took me to get it this morning and she had a good laugh but only because it happened to her too. now I'm nursing a hang over, trying to get my new phone to work and get contacts again, and watching football and thinking I should probably go do laundry. Nah...

Thank the lord for Sundays and that this weekend will be over tomorrow. One good thing, I'm all caught up on my blog!

To be continued.

Long time blog hiatus is not good for the soul...

Last time I wrote it was almost a week ago. I know, I know, I know you all must have been just DYING to know about my fabulous life in Salukiville…
I'm hilarious, yes, but I kid, really my apologies for taking so long and instead of blabbering on and on I'm going to split it up a bit.

So. My 5th week in Salukiville Part 1.

5 weeks?!?!??
I've been here for 41 days.

That's longer than Noah and his little animal friends all 2 by 2 lasted out on that Ark of his.

Feeling accomplished for making it this long? You betchya!

Ok so let's start with Monday.
The night before we had the first night of flag football. It went swimmingly. No matter how much I stressed, nothing really went wrong. Surprise! I stressed over nothing.
Monday was another night of IM's, but I've kind of been playing with this notion that I should join a club team. Yeah, that's technically my job, but what better way to meet other students and get some exercise? One of the girls in the office is the President of the club soccer team. She's really desperate for girls to play as the team lost a lot of seniors, people who dropped out of college to go to the community college and just really really REALLY low interest in soccer in this area.
Quick background*
Davis is like Soccer central. Soccer is a big deal to say the least. It's the only sport we offer at the IM department year round. The community has a huge soccer league for adults and children alike, and it's almost odd to hear people say that they didn't have some sort of experience playing soccer. Not to mention my best friends were either on the club or UCD soccer team. My roommate freshman year played soccer and the rest was history when it came to that sport. I was always around it, playing it, watching it, watching my friends play FIFA, playing FIFA and talking about it. I don't think there was a day I did not see a soccer ball.
And I never even played in high school. I almost did but because it was the same season as basketball, my coach for basketball was like, none of that, you're playing bball. Okie dokie, then, that's settled.

Back to Salukiville-
So she's down players and having to forfeit games due to numbers and not being able to field a team. So Monday night I go out to just check out their practice. Only 5 girls were out there. Yikes. So they didn't end up practicing at all and invited me out the next day. Ok.
(Also side note, I DID NOT have to present on Monday, therefore no Shark Feeding Frenzy for me!)
It's now Tuesday and I don't have school, just work. But I'm slightly stressing myself out again about soccer practice. No real experience, my IM team did win the championship at Davis my senior year but that's not REAL soccer. I don't even like to run that much, in fact I abhor it. But I do like soccer. A lot. It's grown on me throughout college and maybe because it was forced upon me but I wouldn't just play a sport I didn't enjoy.
But I am in grad school. I don't have a whole lot of skills. And girls can get nasty.

Case in point.

So ya. I'm nervous.

Tuesday night comes. I'm the first on the pitch, cleats on, ball and I'm ready but obviously not knowing what to do, or how to act. I'm that new girl all over again. The other girls show up and we have 10 total. They all start chatting and I'm obviously not going to be able to hide as there aren't that many people out there. They say hi, exchange names, etc. and then we start warming up.

We run and stretch and then do some drills. 

And I can kinda hold my own.

After watching a few times of the drills being ran through I'm able to jump in and not totally screw it all up. It's pretty clear I'm nervous but it doesn't look like I've got the skills of a 5 yr. old. I can hang.

My touches aren't super stellar but by the end of the night when we started playing 4v4 it's starting to click. I even get confident enough to shoot. I take a pass off my thigh, one bounce and shot on goal. Lefty. And I scored. 

I'm basically feeling like this on the inside

But on the outside, I'm like...

NBD, I do this all day, erryday.

At the end of the night, we were all super sweaty, and super tired but laughing and having a good time.

Gosh, did I miss that feeling so much! I haven't been on a team that practices and has the camaraderie like that since high school. 

I can't make all of their practices because of night class (boooo) but I really am looking forward to just practicing with them when I can and maybe getting a few games in if I can manage. Since they aren't really a team since they don't have enough (tragic that soccer isn't a bigger deal) there aren't a whole lot of games, a few friendlies here and there but otherwise not too intense.

And that's how I ended up playing club soccer. I'm a Saluki soccer player. (To my friends and family who are probably like what the hell? Marissa doesn't play soccer?!? Is this a joke?? Ya well…SUCK IT)

BOOM BABY, that just happened. 

After practice I went to the flag football field since it was close to where soccer was held just to check it out. I didn't plan on staying long but then I ended up talking to one of the Sups about my GA story. Y'all already got that spiel, but he was curious and wants to become a GA next year.
You know you're in a good field of work when you can talk through 3 flag football games about how much you like what you do. It was really nice to let him know about how I got where I am and where I want to go and he got the chance to explain more of the goings and doings at SIU.
After last week, when I was home sick and not really feeling like I needed to be here at SIU, it felt really good to talk about my goals, and what I want to do with the program. I want to make it better, I thought that's why I got hired. I'm not looking to changing it completely, no.. but I do think that I have good ideas to make it more efficient and just gradually more with the times. And not because my experience with Davis made me better than SIU, or that Davis is super duper in IM's, they have a good program but far from perfect. no, ask my mom, I vented to her ALL THE TIME about the things I didn't like or thought were way inefficient at Davis too. These are my own ideas, and I want to work with people and the staff here and figure out what they think too. I want to learn how to manage people better, and eventually get this thing to run itself. A good manager shouldn't have to be present to ensure everything runs smoothly, instead they shouldn't be there at all and KNOW that everything will work just fine without them.
That's my perspective at least.
So it's a work in progress and it's only been 41 days. I have like 689 more days left. But really.

Oh and a BIG thank you all for reading my blog! I just reached over 1200 page views! I FEEL SO LOVED! xoxox
To be continued!