Post Graduate Blues

Hip-Hip-Hooray! You did it! You graduated! What will you do next?

Isn't that just the question worth a million freaking dollars...

All graduates, of every level minus maybe those who have an obvious step, like Kindergarten onto 1st grade, HATE, ABHOR, feel like you want to scratch your eye balls out, REALLY REALLY DON'T LIKE this question.

But everyone and their mother (usually it's the mothers who are the number one culprit) ask it. 

Spoiler Alert! We don't know! And if we did, we don't want to talk about it anyway because that means we are growing up and actually have to do this thing called "life" and try to be semi-successful at it.

That question makes me about as crazy as J beibs. No lie.

Gag.

But yes, I did graduate. With a master's degree so I got to wear a fancier gown and a hood that really just ended up choking me for the entire ceremony but dammit I earned that hood! All of the finance tests, business analyses and way too many group projects went into that silly hood that was heavy and hot but I secretly loved it. I'm part of an elite club now, we're called 'The Masters' and I'm kinda, really friggin' excited about it. 

It wasn't a walk in the park but I did it! I may start introducing myself with MBA at the end of my name now. Just kidding. Or am I....? 

The ceremony was actually not too boring. The governor of Illinois spoke at it, so that was cool. Sure he wants to cut millions and millions of dollars to higher education BUT he did have a decent speech. What better way to say, hey, don't cut so much please, than by asking him to talk at our graduation. Like my daddy said, kill them with kindness. And he's part of the same club. So he's cool I guess. 

We got to see the doctorate students get hooded as well, which was also cool and ALMOST made me consider that maybe I'll try for one. Maybe. I doubt it. But I won't say it'll never happen. But I think I'm going to LOVE not having homework for awhile. LOVE LOVE LOVE that.

But what was even better than the ceremony was that my whole fam bam was there to celebrate with me. Not everyone, but I had quite the entourage coming all 2000 miles from California to little Carbondale, Illinois just for me. My 'cool' aunt who we can all thank for getting this process and career choice, both grandmothers, my cousin, and of course my parents. I had a friend who came down from Chicago too, and we haven't seen each other in about a year and I was so happy to have her there. The funny thing about the 2nd graduation ceremony, it's a whole lot less extravagant.

Hold on. Don't get too excited, let me explain. It's not that it's worth less or more than any other graduations or degrees. I'm still pretty jazzed and really freaking proud of myself. Duh.

It's just that it felt a little deja vu-ish and I was ok with not taking a bajillion photos by the signs and school and with the regalia, etc. I know how hard I worked, and I'm so glad my family and friends were there for me, but I was also alright with not going out to drink and celebrate like crazy afterwards and to getting overly excited and actually had a splendid day hanging out with my boss and his family, my own, my friends and coworkers and just relishing in finishing another chapter. It was 2 years of my life, so it was technically less of a investment of my time than undergrad, but I did a lot of growing up during both times. It's less of a celebration of being done and finished but more of a celebration of continuing onto the next part of my life. So it's just different and maybe less 'fun' and 'crazy' but it was still good and I remembered it all and wasn't nursing a hangover. Winning.

But then my family and friends left and I made it a whole 3 days before I started scouring craigslist and help wanted websites for a summer job, volunteer work, ANYTHING to keep me busy. I put in 5 applications for a big girl career, a few odd jobs and a bunch of volunteer work. I got a call back for a job at a grocery store but wanted someone for more than 3 months...sorry about it, I (pray to sweet baby Jesus) will be long gone. For volunteering though, I figured I'd have to decline some places. Boy was I wrong...no one apparently wants free, human labor without any sort of catch, no class credit or court mandated, just a girl looking to fill her time. I was denied, straight up denied by the library, hospital, nursing homes, the list goes on. Whaaaa?!?? Fine. FINE. Don't take my help than. I'm not bitter. Not at all. It's not like I haven't received enough rejection letters from potential jobs let alone volunteer opportunities...UGH. I just want someone to love me for me!!!

WHO IS A GREAT VOLUNTEER BY THE WAY sheesh.

Ok rant done. 

But a girl can only work out 2 times a day for so long. So I tried again. And low and behold, FINALLY someone appreciated the fact that I'm just a bored, Master's graduate who is looking to fill her time between school and that first job. You're looking at St. Francis' Animal Care Clinc's newest volunteer! It's only been one day and I already love it and will probably go everyday that I am available. YESSSSSS

It's not glamorous. Not in the slightest. I don't even get to work with the animals (yet). I spend the day doing laundry, changing and cleaning pens, sweeping and mopping. In fact a lot a lot of the latter. I wear a smock and head band because the hospital is big but all cement and HOT and I barely finish mopping the hallway before one end of the corridor is already dry. But I love it. I get to work with these really nice older ladies, one of which, Connie, who doesn't really do the whole introduction thing. She just looks you up and down and says "Ok, Baby, follow me, I'll show you the Exam room that needs a'sweeping and a'mopping. Make sure to get under those cages real good now, Baby, and then we can move on to the Pre-Op room. Throw that smock on, Baby, you're gonna get a'dirty today."

In fact there wasn't anything formal about it at all. No tour, just thrusted a broom and a mop and got to it. But I did get to see some animals. The new puppies and dogs have to go under quarantine before being introduced to other dogs so they can get vaccinated and a few new puppies were in one of the rooms. So cute. And they have a specific cat room for the cats and kittens and I cleaned that too. They let some of the cats out to play during the day so that was kind of more interaction, as I had to sweep around a very curious kitty who wanted to attack the broom every time it touched the ground. But when I brought the mop out, he scattered away real quick.

This guy. Cute but really? Don't get me fired on day 1, bro.

I worked for about 2 and half hours, and was dripping in sweat but a huge smile on my face as I walked out of there. Sure, it's not rolling around in daisies with puppies and kitties BUT it is still rewarding playing Cinderella. If Connie is my step mother who makes me sweep and mop and calls me and everyone else in the entire hospital 'Baby', I can be Cinderella just fine. 

An all too accurate depiction of what today was like. But I'm so ok with it.

To be continued!

Whoa, the last time you read one of these was....

...when you rode your dinosaur. Haha! (Lame, corny jokes are still my thing. Sorry I'm not sorry)


Hello! for maybe one of the last times.

It's been awhile, and I know that. I have missed it, but I know now that somethings aren't meant to be put on display and I had a lot of growing up to do these past few months. But I still love writing. And tonight wasn't planned, I hadn't thought this through. This is one of those nights where I just need to write.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. We're done with Competitive Sports, and in a week I will have my last meeting. I signed up for and ran in a half marathon with a friend and coworker. We had our end of the year banquet and my student staff was recognized for their hard work. I went to that big conference that is for all those people in the recreational field and I met some very genuine and sincere people. I made connections from old friends and new friends and I'm looking for a job in the same field because I love it. And back at SIU we never fully slowed down, even as the year is/was ending. We held special events, we worked our butts off, we laughed, we loved, we fought, we cried, and sometimes we laughed until we cried.

I say one of the last times because my adventures in Salukiville are coming to an end very, very soon. 17 days to be exact. Wow. Reread my first blog from 20 months ago and who would have thought this time would come. Not I.

In the past few weeks, I say I've done a lot of growing because I'm going to be apart of the real work force. Not a student, but a contributing adult in society with bills and payments and no homework or papers to write. It's something I have never experienced before. Ever. I won't be looking up grades or checking out potential professor's office hours or deciding if I want to really take that Friday morning class because without it my schedule is so much better suited for 3 day weekend getaways and sleeping in. Nope. All done. I'll have an MBA behind my name and *fingerscorssed* a 9-5 job.

But oddly enough, while I should act like this...

I'm more like this.

And I think that's where the growing has really happened.

I'm much more calm now, and I like to think I've got some thicker skin. I've seen things and experienced more than I ever thought possible but I lived. Not only lived but thrived. I had a momentary bout with depression but I'm feeling better. I still have rough days but things are brighter and I'm sleeping easier. I can probably thank my group therapy for that. But I like to think that it was just a coping process that I experienced with the fact that I knew change was coming and I couldn't do anything about it. But I'm ok now. And I'm ready for a change. And I'm excited and scared but all in all, I'm ready. I've never been more confident in myself and my skills to say that yeah, where ever life takes me, I'm ready for it. For those that know me, that's kind of a big deal. I'm not a naturally confident person and my biggest critic is myself. It's a flaw and it's a work in progress. But at least I am progressing.

There's really only today that I really want to get into tonight. And then we'll go back to our own lives and our merry ways. But this one, it's a good one. Promise.

Today, I ran the GA meeting, our last one of the year. Kind of felt fitting that I should be the one to run it. And because I like my meetings short and too the point, my boss bet me I couldn't finish in 30 minutes. Game on. Before, I never really understood why we, as GA's, had to run the meetings. We do mock interviews, and have opportunities to develop professionally, why should running a meeting be any help. And about half way through the meeting, in the middle of some sort of update being talked about by a person who probably could have told us all about the update via email instead, it all made sense. I was surrounded by my team. Do you see what I did there? I used the possessive pronoun "my". I take ownership of that meeting and those involved, those who are my coworkers and superiors, but they are all MINE. I am leading them all in that moment in time and I am the captain and I get to steer us to whatever agenda I so choose. I am leading my team. And if that was the reasoning behind my Director's decision to have us lead the meetings or not, I don't know. But I know that it resonated with me. We are all forced to sit at that table together. No, really, we are. I didn't hire any of them, and not all of them had a choice in hiring me so we are a forced team. But we're still a team. And sometimes teams need different types of leaders, different roles need to be filled, and different opinions need to be shared so that success can happen. Give us the tools and the chance to figure out where we stand in that team, and we can take ownership of our jobs and the roles we fill. Give us the tools to show our own leaders what we can do, what we can come up with and what we can offer that maybe we wouldn't have been able to if we always sat in the back, and never thought we could own anything.

Oh and I did get us out in 30 minutes and 40seconds. #likeaboss

If I ever get to be a director one day, I will make it absolutely mandatory that each member of my team gets a chance to run a meeting. I get it now. It may have taken me 20 months, but I get it. And I am thankful.

The second part of my story was shortly after that meeting, I had another, more private meeting. At the end of every graduating GA's term, they sit down and have a one-on-one exit interview with our Director. It's intimidating because you're supposed to be honest and answer very difficult questions.

And it was all of that. It was intimidating and they were very difficult questions. But I tried to be 100% honest and he let me talk and say all of the negatives and positives that I had and he just nodded and wrote them all down. And then it was his turn to speak.

He told me how he remembered meeting me on my visit over two years ago on the Rugby field. I was bandaged up from a bad bike accident but he said how I was just beaming with excitement and a fresh energy and he said that he knew that I was special. I was an outsider, I had traveled so far to a place that I had no ties to prior, my boss didn't know my old boss and it all came down to going on a whim and a gut feeling that I knew this was the right place for me. And he thought it was a great thing. He told me that he has watched me grow and work so incredibly hard at my job that he knew that it was never just a job to me. That it was a passion and that my students were always my first priority. He said that he could tell that I was young and naive and needed to learn a lot but he could see that I made an impact on people and that it was for the better. And then he told me that he was honored to have been able to work with me and to see me grow into a professional.

Cue the waterworks. I teared up a little bit but was able to hold it together. Kind of.

To get that accolade from him, that acknowledgement was truly humbling. His words will stay with me forever and there is no gift great enough to replace them. I have never felt so proud to be his GA. I will always know him as my director and I will always be his GA. I am so honored to hold that title.

I won't go into specifics but I didn't feel that my time at SIU was a total failure, nor a total success. I had goals and dreams that I never reached. I had visions and ideas that couldn't be produced outside of a brainstorm. Do I regret it? Never. Not even a little bit. It wasn't always sunshine and rainbows but overall the good outweighed the bad. My boss, Lane, no one can hold a candle next to him, we are such a good team and it will be so hard to leave him. To say he's a good boss doesn't do him any justice. And through all of the trials and difficulties and times we wanted to rip each other's heads off, he always had my back and trusted in me even when I didn't. I will never be able to thank him enough.

I have loved it here. And I will cry when I have to leave this place that I call home. I really do call it home. I own that term, not just for my apartment but for my workplace and for the people who have impacted my life so incredibly much. I will always be a Saluki in my heart and the people at the Rec Center will always be my family. I will always consider the Rec Center as my home. I am so incredibly thankful and fortunate for every experience good and bad and for this opportunity as it was truly astounding and amazing.

It's so close to the end and I am scared for what's next. It's a good scared, an awe-inspiring fear of the unknown. But I am ready.

Look out world. I'm coming for ya.

To be continued.

Where the heck did January go??

Is it just me or did January last all of like 5 minutes??

Sheesh. I try to think back and at first I say, wow, must not have been that great if I can't remember it that well and then it all comes back.

January had a slow start. I was in Boston, in my onsie with my best college friends drinking cheap champagne and watching Ryan Seacrest count down to the New Year. We didn't try to go out as it was impossible to get in anywhere without promising your first born child away so instead we stayed in, played drunk card games and Cards Against Humanity and laughed a lot a lot.

Who needs Times Square when you have friends, a onsie and champagne?

In that moment I was happy. I was happy to be with my friends and happy to start the new year afresh. Isn't New Year an awesome holiday? Everyone thinks that this is it. This is the year that they'll make those resolutions and stick with them, it'll be the best year yet.

All that hope is kind of endearing and really promising. I know that it doesn't always last but I really wanted it to be my year this time. So I made an internal toast to all the promise and hope that 2015 holds for me. Here's to making it last longer than most resolutions. And then we ended up staying up til 3 in the morning just talking and catching up and laughing at old stories and shaking our heads when your gal pals bring up embarrassing 21st birthday memories (or the ones they have as you don't have those memories) and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Boston was fantastic. We got to go to Fenway Park and tour it in all of it's tradition and history. Very cool and very much worth the $17 to go. I dragged the girls to Patriot Place to check out Gillette Stadium where my beloved Patriots play. I was like a child in a candy store. Took way too many photos next to Tom Brady's huge window display and next to those big iron gates. I may or may not have jump started the Patriot profit margins as I spent way too much money on Patriot paraphernalia. Oops. Sue me. We also took a trip to Cambridge to see Harvard which was also awesome. We did the self-guided tour which was $2 (like why should I pay to walk on campus on my own??? And we basically paid to get lost. If it was guided I'll pay a fortune but if I'm on my own...come on now that's nuts) but it was so cool to see all the old buildings and think that some of the world's greatest minds had walked on those very same steps. I know I'm a sucker for historical facts and it was every nerd's dream. The city was also very vibrant and it made me realize that I so badly want to live in a city. Bustle and hustle and movement and energy all the time. That's what I want. I don't care if it's not forever, I just want to try it to say that I have. Boston was cold and it snowed on us but I really liked the city and hope to go back someday.

Boston city skyline. I wish I could take credit for this photo.

It was a good time with the girls and I was sad to leave as I'm not sure the next time we'll all be together again. One is headed to a refuge in the middle of Arkansas to work with the furry animals and see if she is cut out to be a zoo keeper, the other 2 are back in California, one with a job she loves and a company she wants to stay with forever, the other working through getting her master's degree so she can work in the sport business world. But we aren't all together or even remotely close to each other and it's hard. Sometimes I think keeping long distance relationships with friends is even harder than with a romantic partner. Life gets in the way and those group messages can only go on so long. But we try and I have high hopes that we can make it.

I love you, guys.

Coming back to Carbondale after Boston wasn't as bad as I thought. I enjoyed working and not having to go to school at the same time. Actually really excited for when that becomes my reality, work and play, no school. But it went by too fast and I had to work on running a conference within the rec field. It's a big conference almost completely planned by students like me and it was at Purdue this year. A group of about 20 of us worked on it for the last 6 months and we were finally going to have it. Over 500 people came to the conference and the students stay in the Rec gym to keep costs low. It offers educational sessions, demos, and opps. to network with professionals and other students alike. It was a great conference and I had a really good time. I've made quite a few friends and acquaintances in the field and everyone's story is very similar. We're all here because we love it. At Purdue I got to work and spend a lot of time with my aunt's previous boss back when she worked in the Rec field. That was pretty sweet deal and I really liked getting to know people who knew and worked with her, made me fee like yes, this is in fact where you are exactly meant to be right now because she's been here before. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but it was comforting to know that someone knew my family, therefore I felt like they already knew me.

At these conferences, there are a ton of presentations on topics that are current to our field and demos, and just a whole lot of learning to be done. Lane and I had the opportunity to present our own presentation at the conference.
Let me just explain this real quick...at these conferences you have to apply to present. Not everyone gets to and it can be kind of a big deal. My boss wanted to do one on a book he had read about leadership, The Energy Bus, by Jon Gordon. It's basically about how to change your perspective on life and enjoy the ride, but also developing your leadership skills, relationships with anyone and everyone and just your basic self-help kind of stuff.

Jury is still out on if these actually 'help'

But it's a pretty good book and very applicable to every day life. It talks about common sense and how to make little changes to make your life better. It's also really really applicable to the Recreational field. So we made a power point, sent in our proposal, found out that we got it and then before I knew it was the day of our presentation. Cue the nervous butterflies and not being able to eat out of shear fear.

I was worried that no one would want to come to a leadership presentation. I mean, it's nothing new or super enlightening, it's just basic common sense, like be courteous, genuine, be positive, get the negative people off your bus, etc. etc. But Lane and I shared our own personal experiences to make it more about us and not so much the book. As the time winded down to a mere hour before I became super nervous. I had never presented at a Rec conference in my life. I've only really presented in my classes. Not in front of professionals who could give me a job or students who might actually think I have my life together. And I had trouble really resonating with the material because I dont' have a success story. Mine is a work in progress, more like under a lot of construction, with no end in sight.

Only Audrey could look that classy and still be in an existential crisis.

As we set up for the presentation, the little auditorium that fits about 50 people filled up really fast. There were people standing in the back, on the stairways and against the walls. We were a fire marshal's worst nightmare. And if I could barely breathe before I surely couldn't then. I was shaking and when we had to finally start my voice cracked like a pubescent little boy. Real smooth, Marissa. Real smooth.

I should probably get that checked out...

But Lane got us going and soon I was able to calm down enough to really engage myself in the presentation. I went ad lib, and we even got the audience to share and discuss too.

Afterwards, I had several different people come up and say how well we had done and I could see Lane's ego expand to ensure he wouldn't fit out the door. Not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome to have good feedback and people tell you they really were glad they went to your presentation. One gentleman told me it was his favorite presentation he had been to at the entire conference. His favorite! Out of ALL of them! Me and Lane were that cool! Like whoa. That is freaking awesome.

So it was a success and I made some awesome friends who I now have too many inside jokes with and shared lots of laughs and delusional silliness with and I learned through it that I am a good leader, and that I do a really good job at helping students develop professionally and holistically. I'm quiet at times but I'm hands on and an actions speak louder than words type (you wouldn't know it from my blog though).Not to sound too conceded but, I like that part a lot and want to continue to work with students and help them like my mentors helped me.And it always seems like someone is there to help me out at every venture. And that is a really great feeling.

But alas, after all the madness of running a conference and having too much fun with a dash of too much stress mixed in with a whole lot of no sleep I was pretty excited to head back home to my own bed.

Salukiville looked and felt the same once we got back into town. But classes had already started and I was a week behind and needed to catch up real quick. And we had trainings and club practices and just everything kinda seemed to hit all at once. Sheesh, you would have thought we were gone an entire month and not just a few days. But back to the grind and we ended January in kind of a fuster cluck but hey, Lane, PJ and I always seem to work it out. Even when we want to tell each other to kick rocks or to turn their brain on because they make us insane or we don't communicate, we somehow always are able to to bring it all back, take a breath and go "ok, let's get to work". I do take for granted the fact that I can rely on them both so much. And I will miss them both tremendously but for now I'll just cherish their eye rolls and head shakes and the snarky comments we say out of love and respect. PJ has got a reputation of giving me this side glance that is now known as his official look for me. He gives it to other people too, but I'm his favorite target. I end up getting that look daily if not multiple times a day but it's kind of a joke now and then and it just means I'm comfortable enough to say some astounding things that may deserve a questionable look or two. That's just how we roll.

I good representation of the PJ look reserved for me. Other meanings include "I'm going to giver her another chance to try again..." or "She did not just say that. Yes, yes she did." or "How did I end up working here"

Also a PJ and Lane favorite. Sometimes used on other staff and GA's.

The most accurate of looks I get on the daily. My personal favorite and especially reserved for me.

So that's my life pretty much. Work, unneccessary stress, conferences, sometimes school, side-way glances but lots of laughs sum up my January.

To be continued!

It's Been a Long Winter

Hello Lovely Readers,

I know, I know, I know. It's been a really long hiatus and I apologize. Kinda fell off the face of the earth for awhile. 

I can sit here and say I was busy because I was, I could say it was a lot of excuses but it really comes down to I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't happy enough to write. 

I write to express myself. I write because I like to. I like the act of typing and getting my feelings and thoughts out. I always have. I never kept a diary really but I have lots of random thought journals and I have written thousands of letters that have never been sent. And recently I haven't felt like sharing. It was more than avoiding the blog, it was avoiding my feelings, people that are friends, just everything. Normally writing heals me, and I feel better but every time I tried to write I couldn't force myself to say anything. Too depressed to do the things that make me happy. Blogging is definitely one of those.

I had a great winter break. Probably (actually, truthfully) the last winter break I will have as a student and I enjoyed it with both family and friends. But even then I was behind a fog, a haze of anxiety and depression. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and I wasn't sad the whole time. I still genuinely laugh, and smile and I had a good time. I went to Hawaii with my family and then to Boston with college girl friends. And it was an amazing break. Truly. But that fog always was there. Just pushed back a little farther. I can't explain why or how, it just was there. 

I can't pinpoint it to a single event, or even rationalize why it's happening really. It was a bunch of things and nothing really. I had my heart broken, like really, first-real-love really broken. Had to happen at some point I guess, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself. And I still miss someone who I shouldn't miss. I got some less than stellar news about my health- I have PCOS which basically is a blood disorder that means I probably won't be able to have kids. That's kind of a lot to take in as a 23 year old when that isn't even on your radar. But it's crazy to think how you never even thought you wanted something until you're told you can't have it. And I'm currently job searching. And not having a set plan freaks me out. And the thought of moving and changing my life all over again is super scary. Like have nightmares about it freak me out. 

But you would think that these aren't that bad. That I should be able to bounce back from these things and be ok. 

When I got back to school I took up counseling. I think it's helping, but they say it takes time. A lot of  time. And I have an amazing group of friends who are really supportive. Some know about it, others not as much just that I'm sorta, not Marissa, not the real Marissa. I still work really hard, and I think I still do a really good job. Even through it all, I am good at being a GA and working with students and I am proud of that. Our program is still improving and I am very proud of that. Maybe I throw myself into my work as a distraction. And my counselor doesn't think it's the healthiest but that if it seems to work for now, that's ok. Like I said, it takes some time. 

My counselor picked up that I was feeling guilty. Guilty for feeling bad when I have a pretty decent life. And I'm not, not thankful. Truly. i know I have a lot going for me. But he told me something that I never really thought of as an option before but I kind of like it.

He said that it's ok to not be happy for a time period. It isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows and that being unhappy is alright, normal, and you don't have to apologize for it. 

So I'm not going to. I'm not sorry that this is what my current situation is and I'm not sorry that I struggle in areas that maybe others don't. I'll eventually be alright. I am alright, just not yet where I want to be-happy.

And I'm ok with that.

My counselor has me in a different type of therapy now and has asked me to write again. To write out my feelings and thoughts and to take part in the things I enjoy again. To not be scared to say that I'm ok but not-ok. So I'm playing intramural basketball. And I signed up for a half marathon. I am running with a partner and we're both training for the half. I'm going to blog again. I died my hair red. Like Mary Jane from Spider Man red. I love it but it's a lot of up keep. And I've taken up cooking. I currently have way too many meals prepped sitting in my fridge but it has been a good hobby so far. Even if every time I cook the smoke alarm comes on, at least once. No lie. My neighbors must hate me. I think they are over sensitive smoke alarms but oh well. The food still turns out pretty good(minus those portobello mushroom sliders...those turned out kinda gross). 

So next time you hear from me it'll be my usual style of blog. With sarcasm and witty rants and silly photos. Because I'm still me. I'm still sassy-pants-Marissa. I'm still a goofy, young, professional who likes sports but also likes to wear heels. I haven't left. I'm just working out some kinks to make myself better. And isn't that the goal in life? 

To be continued.

P.S. I ask that for those of you that do know me to not be upset or sad for me. Please don't ask me if I'm ok and that you wish happiness or that you're here for me. I know that. And I appreciate it, I really do. But sometimes people don't want pity or attention. I just had to say this for me. To get it out. It's not a cry for help, I'm getting plenty of that already. So please don't bring it up if we should meet. Thank you.

Jingle Bells, Finals Smell and Jet Setting All Break

Merry Christmas Everyone!

It's the end of the school year, I'm officially done with my finals and I'm back in my home town!

Where, oh where has the time gone? I have one semester left of graduate school and 2014 is almost over and graduation is right around the corner and it feels like just yesterday I drove out to Carbondale with my Dad and had thought to myself "This is going to be the longest 2 years of my life".

So. Loooooonnnnggggg.

HA!

Nothing could be farther from the truth! My time is almost up and I kinda can't believe it.

Finals week wasn't too bad...Only slightly discomforting. I had 2 very strong A's in 2 of my classes and I knew it would take a lot to bring them down, but for my Information Systems Management class (still not really sure what that even means either) I had too solid of a B to get even close to an A. Dang it. I would have needed to get 118% on the final to get an A...and my professor doesn't offer extra credit. Double dang it.

I'm sure I'll get over it.

Oh well. It's my best semester in grad school yet, so there's that. (not like I was failing, I just usually get more Bs than As) and I'm pretty happy it's over. Not my hardest semester school wise, but my hardest semester with work and school and learning curves and learning about myself. I am so ready for this break, you have no idea. But it's really odd to think that it's my very last winter break. For about 80% of my ENTIRE life I have been in school. Gross.

But all I know is school therefore this has been my life... summer = no class, fall = beginning of school year, winter = 1/2 christmas break and 1/2 frigid temperatures walking/biking to class and spring = end of the year and fun times. for 19 years that has been my schedule.
Now it's summer = work, fall = work, winter = work and maybe a few days off, spring = work.

And I want this. I think. No, I really do, I want that life and to be independent and to have a career and to be successful.

Keep telling myself that.

Blah all that's boring stuff so for now, I am just too excited to be back home. The last time I was home was this time last year, and even though I had been back to California a couple times throughout the year, I had not been to my home town or in my childhood house for a year. I flew back to Sacramento, got to visit a college friend and hang out with my Nana before my sister and mom came to take me back way way way up North to the homeland.

My homecoming was less than super exciting, more or less like a hey, sup, hows it going, *hughug* etc.

Womp womp.

But then I saw my dog. I was sitting at the table and she was asleep underneath it. Then she woke up and came up to my legs and then she started to realize that it was me. She started to wag and cry and climbed up higher into my lap, and tried to lick my face and I fell out of the chair with my puppy (she's like 8 or 9 not really a puppy anymore) licking my face all over and she was just way too excited to see me.

Puppy love.

Now that's what I call a great homecoming. Nothing compares to how much your dog loves you and I was kinda worried she wouldn't remember me.

Being home is great. I love going to work out with my baby brother, hanging out with my little sister and drinking morning coffee with my momma. They've shown me all the changes the town has made, like the new boutique, and the new candy shoppe and the diner down the street from my grandparents' house. My town is little but it's home and it wasn't doing too well for awhile there but I think it's on the up and up. Fingers crossed. While I may rag on it, and have no real desire to move back anytime time soon (or ever), I still have a lot of hometown pride. I have only about 2 or 3 people I really get to see that aren't immediate family that I really care about seeing but I'm ok with that.

But my stay at home will be a short visit. At the end of the week the fam-bam and I are headed to Hawaii for a tropical Christmas. Instead of snow and christmas trees we
will have a surfing Santa and palm trees. Totally ok with that too.

And then once we return from the island state, I immediately get on a plane and head to the East Coast. Specifically, Boston, MA, for a reunion with some college girl friends. I can't think of a better way to bring in the New Year than with my few close friends who I have known for most of my college career and have kept close since we we're super green and playing the wii instead of studying for finals. I'm going to fly in on NYE night, so I'm pretty much going to have to change from my shorts and flip flops into my parka and 4 different layers for Boston on the plane and try to get ready for a fun night with the girls. I hope the 'fasten your seat belt' sign doesn't stay on for the whole flight because I'm going need lots of time to get ready.

Can't afford first class but one day I want to travel like this .

Packing has been a nightmare though as I have to pack for 3 completely different climates and staying about 5-7 days in each place. Not enough days to pack 3 different bags but way too much for just one bag. Even though I tried but it was impossible, not with towels and bathing suits and parkas and sweaters and then regular jeans and shirts...just impossible.

But I'm so excited to get to spend break traveling and hanging out with my friends and family, especially when the future is such a large question mark.

But for now I don't have to stress about travel logistics or flights, but my biggest issue is which christmas movie do my sister and brother want to watch and how to decorate the ginger bread house that we're making together.

Cue a long sigh here.

And I am totally ok with that.

To be continued!

Aloha!

Turkey Day in good ol' Texas

Howdy Y'all! 

I am officially back from my very fun, very warm, very twangy Thanksgiving break with my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

So, not going to lie, I was a tad bit nervous going. Think about it, I'm hoping on a plane to visit my aunt and uncle, without any other family. No cousins, they are like me and live all over and will be visiting for Christmas, so they can't afford two trips so soon. It's a new city that I don't know, a completely different state at that. And growing up I only got to see them every now and then, at a holiday function, wedding, and occasional summer trip. We aren't like "The Modern Family" where everyone sees each other everyday or even on a regular basis. I had gotten to know my cousins better, naturally, as I'm the same age as one and only 2 years younger than the oldest. 

Yeah, so you know, yeah this could be maybe, weird. A little bit.

So...there's that.

But I wanted to get out of Carbondale super badly and it was only an hour and half flight so I hopped on that plane and said, "Here goes nothing."

It was way better than I thought. 

We watched movies, went to the Arboretum, the Dallas World Aquarium, went to downtown Dallas, ate way too much Thanksgiving food and played with the dogs. If being an only child is like that, man, I am so bummed I have siblings! (kidding, I love you poop-heads) We talked about traveling and all the places we have been. They told me how I need to go to Germany and that the wine tours in the south of France are the best they've ever been on. And I talked about how Switzerland is the land of milk and money and that the chocolate is heavenly. We talked a lot about our own family a lot. A lot, a lot. They taught me how to drink wine (not just drink it but really taste it and appreciate it) and that watching 3 movies in a row is totally fine when you're on vacation. I also learned that my uncle makes a pretty dang good gin and tonic. Like way better than any I have had at the bars around here. It was always warm (even if it got a little chilly at night for them...babies) and super sunny, you always needed sunglasses, it got to be 70, and I had left Illinois in the snow, literally, and there is a ton of concrete everywhere (nothing else can handle the heat), they drive like insane people and texting isn't outlawed yet so they go like 85 and text (super scary!) and they have pretty cool bar scene that's hip and cool but totally throws me off when our hipster waiter talks with an accent. What was I thinking, going to Dallas for break? Sounds down right awful...

#jk

My uncle and dad are brothers and it is painstakingly clear that this is the case. They walk the same, talk the same, make the same silly jokes, curse like sailors, I could keep the list going. Think of Chandler Bing and that's pretty much who they are.

Sarcastic and goofy and a whole lotta of feigned expressions of "I'll try to care...and yep, sorry, it's gone." moments 

And they obviously married very similar women. Clean, orderly, list-making, kinda bossy(ok yeah, bossy), but very motherly so a lot of the dynamics are almost verbatim what my parents say/do. For instance, we were walking around the Arboretum but then we finished too early for my aunt's plans.

Aunt: "Well maybe we should walk around some more? I didn't think we would go so fast! It's too early for the next activity but we have so much time to kill!"

Uncle:"We can do whatever, I just don't want to walk and see any more trees."

Aunt: "Oh come on! We can sit and just chat, get some coffee, maybe go to a cafe.."(more harmless fussing)

Uncle: *Eyeroll* "Whatever you want to do."

Aunt: "No- don't sound so enthusiastic, dear...*slightly passive aggressive*"

Uncle: "OK! YEAH! SOUNDS GREAT! WOO-HOO!"

Aunt: "You're such a brat."

Pretty sure I've witnessed the exact same deal with my parents. Like exactly the same.

The look my aunt gives to my uncle on a regular basis. Shocker, my mother does the same to my father. All out of love.

So obviously there are some major differences but it felt like I was back home. We laughed a lot and they talked about life and how exciting this time for me will be as it was for them and gave life advice. Typical for any Family Thanksgiving, right?

Yuck. My usual response to that bombardment of life questions.

But I didn't mind it. My uncle is working on his doctorate, and has more than one master's degree. My aunt had kids young but works as a nurse in oncology and loves it. They didn't have the typical route of good job, married and kids but it worked out well for them. They have a beautiful home, 2 married kids who are doing pretty darn well, and seem overall pretty happy with where they are. 

I guess maybe hearing it from them made it sink a bit more than coming from my parents. Or people I see all the time.

My aunt really made me think about my life a little more deeply than I had before. She had it pretty rough. 2 kids right after getting married and then going back to school and working at the same time. I can't even imagine or fathom what that's like. We all complain about how hard we have it but that, yikes. No thank you. But there she was, successful nurse, loving family, 2 dogs and a home and stories of traveling and lots of smiles. I want that. I want to travel with my family and make some awesome memories, have a successful career, a dog or two, a home and to be smiling a lot. 

One day, I'll be this cool.

And who doesn't? It wasn't the easiest road, or the 'right' path or even at all planned but it worked out. They made mistakes, and had to move on but it was ok. And they reassured me that I was going to make mistakes. Some big ones, some little ones and I'd make a lot of good choices too. I'd choose the wrong job or the wrong guy to date, etc., etc. But I'd be ok. Maybe it was the holiday and being the season to be thankful, but I really was and am very thankful for my entire family. I am so loved, and have such a huge amount of support and am so blessed that I have family and friends who are in all corners of the world, Ohio, Texas, California, Oregon, Washington, Illinois and even Columbia, Italy and Germany but when we are together it's like no amount of miles or time has passed.

I love them all so stinking much. Just like whatever this girl loves.

It wasn't all serious business talk, but I did like getting to know them so much more. Cooking the turkey and mashed potatoes, comparing how being west coasters in the south and midwest is an odd culture shock at times, watching Interstellar in the 2nd row, so you come out of the movie theater with a sore neck, checking out the fish and sharks at the aquarium and just hanging out at home too. But most of all I loved feeling loved. And being with family. It sucks that we couldn't all be together at once. We faced timed with my cousins and grandparents but it's not nearly as good. But I will remember that trip forever and have so much more love for my aunt and uncle and be able to share that bond the next time we visit each other. 

To be continued!

So many people are in my corner and it's just, you know, like so awesome. *read it in my cali accent. I feared I was getting a little too twangy there.

Coming live from the Airport

Hey hey and Happy Turkey Day Eve!

Is that a thing? Thanksgiving Eve? Welp, now it is!

Anyway, I'm bored waiting for my flight to Texas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

My last blog post was just a quick recap of the flag tourney so now I'll get into the gory details of my life's happenings within the last 3 weeks. So school is ok. And so is work. Social life is more or less barely existent. Work has become my social life. Gag. If you're like my Nonna then you'll ask "Go on any dates?" HA! Nonna's got jokes... It's cool though, T-Swift and I are on the same page so there's that. My sleep schedule is super screwy, as I get up at 3am and then fight to fall back asleep and don't fall asleep til 5/6am and sleep til 8 only because I absolutely have to get up. Oh joy. I was getting headaches in class and at work, got checked out and I need glasses. Another sign my body is aging and deteriorating. Fun fun. I was having weird body pains, got diagnosed with PCOS, basically a non-threatening-ish condition in which my own blood cells attack my girl parts. Yay. I need another reminder that my body hates me.

#sarcasm

If 2014 could just be over with I would be totally ok with that.

I know things could be worse but I need a vacation stat. And that's exactly what I'm getting.
My dad's brother and his wife moved to Texas about 3 or 4 years ago and my uncle and I have this ongoing rivalry between college sports and how they suck, and can't play real sports, more asshole remarks, etc. but it's all out of love or at least a mutual like as we pick on each other. Anyway, he found out that I wasn't going all the way back to Cali for Thanksgiving and said "hey come on down to Texas".

At first I was like, that's a big trip for such a short time, I don't mind staying in Salukiville for the break, I did it last year and it was actually fun. But upon further reflection and talking to Dad who was totally on board I said, Ok, see you for the Holiday.

I'm actually excited to go to a new state and it'll be warm and my uncle already said that he's ok with me sleeping most of the time.

Thank you, Baby Jesus! So excited for a relaxing break. Sounds fantastic.

And now I have to run to a different gate to catch my flight! See y'all in a bit, I'm headed to the Big D, and no not that you perverts, Dallas!

To be continued!!