Adios August

And just like that, August is OVER!

Can you believe it? Tomorrow is September, the start of fall and football and all things pumpkin spice will be here!

3 months ago I was jobless and graduating with my Master's Degree. 6 months ago I was in a "I'm in denial about the real world" crisis and I dyed my hair a deep shade of red. 1 year ago I was getting to know and love my Southern Illinois comrades and only half way through my Salukiville adventure.

Sometimes it feels like a week is a century and other times it's like a whole year went by in a day.

I think I've said this only about a bajillion times in my blog, but TIME CAN JUST SLOW THE FREAK DOWN. Ok. Cool. Thanks.

My week has been epically crazy and busy and full of ups and downs and lots of hours spent feeling like I am chained to my desk and my phone and the next moment I'm running around throwing frisbees at thousands of students telling them to sign up for IM Sports and to try out our group exercise classes.

The first week of school was nuts as we had trainings for staff, welcome week festivities, convocation, a sport club retreat and way way more.

The girls in the officer were all on edge. It was not the funnest of atmospheres.

So I'll give a brief overview of everything in a real quick snapshot.

Convocation with 2,500ish freshman
Meeting the President of the University
Student Staff Training and meeting all the new students (new and old but all new to me)
IM/Club Sport Supervisor Training
Club Sport Retreat - Info session on all things Club Sport-y
Great Danetopia - huge event for Freshman and transfers with bounce houses, frisbee handouts, cornhole, live music, free food, torrential down pour in the middle of it all, but we played in the rain, and so much yelling I was hoarse for two days. It was super fun but it took an army of people and we were all exhausted after we we were finished and I really hope we don't do something like that any time soon.

Self explanatory.

Getting a hater tweet. Someone on twitter called me out by name and told the president and all of UAlbany that I was ruining club sports with my new rules.
Huge ego blow.
Getting a high-five from my boss for getting a hater tweet. Exact words were "If you aren't making anyone mad, you're not doing your job."
Faith in my abilities and ego restored.
First day of classes and I spent the ENTIRE day at my desk and only left for to go to the bathroom but I felt the need to apologize for leaving my post.
Second day of classes and I moved around a little more. Still didn't hit my step goal on fitbit.
Third day of classes and every club president and their mother came into my office hours to talk. It was like a parade.
Went to Rugby practice (Every job from UC Davis, SIU and UAlbany, I always always work with Rugby first.) and introduced myself to the coaches and the guys. The next day they turned in their paper work. Boom. Kill them with kindness and a little attention, and they'll work for you, not against you. Take that TwitterHater.

Tweet that, punk.

Spent Saturday at yoga (desperately needed as my stress just tripled) and then training new baby supervisors. They're all so young, and not experienced at all as we had 2 returning supervisors from last year. But they are all pretty excited and like what we're doing. Which is awesome. Really freaking awesome.

I do have one good story to share. At this training we walked around to all of our fields and talked about how and how not to supervise our programs. In between one location and the next a couple of the new sups asked me why Albany. So I gave them the short version. But one girl, who might become my little mentee, as she was my first hire officially as an Assistant Director, but she's only a freshman but came from a good recommendation. She heard my story and said "Wow, that's really cool of you. Just to get up and go for a job, that's really impressive. And awesome."

But really though...

And it was the best compliment I've gotten since I got offered the job. People say congrats, or that you're crazy to go that far away but good job, etc. And people are impressed that I decided to move again farther away from home. But this one came from a young girl who is on her own scary new adventure, her college career. On her own for the first time and in a new place with a ton of new people (literally a ton and then some). And she thought what I did was impressive and cool. She didn't think I was crazy or ask why, she just understood that it was what I needed to do, what we needed to do, and that it is impressive for the both of us.

Thanks, I needed that. I think she's going to go places, maybe within the Rec Field, maybe not, but she will succeed in whatever she does. All my supervisors have potential and I'm so excited to be that leader for them. Like so so soooo excited. In the end, I probably would do any job that had me working with students. They can drive you crazy but then you get one good talk or see someone taking your criticism and actually applying it or going above and beyond and it's all worth it. That is living the dream, my dream.

Now I'm going to eat my chinese take out and try to not look at my email until 6am tomorrow morning from my bed with my cup of coffee before I head to the office at 7.

I said try, I didn't say I would succeed.

To be continued!

P.S. Check out this awesome video of all the things we did before the start of school. And to see what my new school looks like.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axCBj9DGg7g

The Dating Game

School is right around the corner which means, that our week of trainings, moving in, hustle and bustle is here. Let the chaos begin! My mantra of faking it till I make it is definitely at play but I'm also oddly calm about it. I know we have a TON of work to do but it all just has to be taken in stride. There's no possible way I can ever fully prepared enough but my team and I can get close. And for the first year, that's big.

In about a week from now I'm sure I'll have a very interesting blog post to explain the do's and don'ts of starting a school year as an employee and not a student but until then...I got other things to blog about.

First, I hope y'all love my new layout and name! It's a little homage to a favorite tv show from the 90's, Clarissa Explains It All, with Melissa Joan Hart. I loved Clarissa Darling and how sarcastic and witty she was and I have loved everything Melissa Joan Hart has done since (Sabrina the Teenage Witch anyone?) No she's not A-list but she's hilarious. So yeah, new name, new look, just tons of changes for me this year!

As I navigate my new life in New York, and from a suggestion from a friend or two, I started more-or-less online dating. Yeah, we'll go with that. Tinder/Match/eHarmony/Farmer's Only, whatever platform you think it is, it's not so don't go looking me up. Judgers can think what you want, it's something to do, meet more people, etc. And it's not often, and I don't go online every chance I get. But I have been on long enough that I have had a few conversations. One conversation was short and and he suggested we go to Saratoga, a near by town with a horse race track, for the day that very weekend. Umm. No thanks. And he had a little too much baggage. (previously engaged but broke it off 2 months ago...real quick rebound.) 

But I did feel ok enough to go get coffee with a guy. It's a public place, it's daylight, and it's just coffee. Really, it's JUST coffee.

Kinda how I felt. Really, it wasn't a date, meeting for coffee is not a date.

So we agree to meet at a cafe near the campus at a specific time. I'm not nervous, in fact I'm kinda like ugh, this is taking away from my time watching Dr. Who. But I go. And I'm punctual.

First Strike: He lets me know 5 seconds our AGREED upon time that he's going to be late by 20minutes as "he's just now leaving". Ok...meanwhile I have been there for 4 minutes already. Thank god the newspaper had a unfinished crossword.

Awkwardly meet and I find out he's very much from Canada as he has long o's and says 'aboot' 'eh' all that jazz. Ok, definitely not on his profile but it's cool, Canada was cool. And he's wearing a bight orange polo shirt and matching cargo shorts. He looks like the biggest Bronco fan but none of it is actually Bronco gear...Ok. We go to order and he says he's going to get some food. I'll stick to coffee but thanks for offering. 

Second Strike: He goes to order and then turns around embarrassed and says he's forgotten his wallet. Well. Umm. What's the protocol for paying for 'just coffee' ??? I offer to pay and thankfully he forgoes the food but then he orders a large mocha extra shot and something or other and I'm like...you get the most expensive specialty drink?? and a large? I DONT KNOW YOU DUDE! Get a small. 

Two strikes and we haven't even sat down yet. So glad I signed up for this.

We stand there waiting for our drink/look for a table and he's just not going to take the lead so I find the table and I go get the drinks when their ready. It's not like I paid OH WAIT I DID. It's fine. Sit back down, and start asking questions. I know about his job, as an engineer who is in the area because of a training course, his siblings, life in Canada and it's major differences than the states (school is cheaper and much better education than any school in the US. All schools in Canada are better than all US schools. Right, because Harvard and Yale aren't world class and I've never even heard of a single college in Canada but ok whatever. And people are just so much nicer in Canada, even though this US citizen paid for your large mocha and I don't even know your last name but yeah we're all giant a$$holes) and I think he knows that I work at the University at Albany and that I am from California but spent last 2 years in Illinois (all things on my profile). It was a predominantly one-sided conversation for sure but it wasn't terrible, I've had worse. It's not pulling teeth to get him to talk so that was a good thing.

We talk about snow (it's Canada, sorry, I had to ask one question about snow.) and skiing and he seems nice albeit socially awkward, but I keep looking at the clock. I just can't. No chemistry, not really interested in the slightest and I don't think he's over the moon about me either. Can't say I'll lose any sleep over it though.

And then the poor Orange goof struck out. Strike Three.

Now that is a perfectly analogy. I liked this guy about as much as I like going to the dentist. Ok, I'll go but I'm totally lying about how much I floss. Or in his case that I was helping the freshman move in (I could have but I missed that volunteer email. oops)

He could have overcome the other strikes had he been Prince Charming and we hit it off but not the case. Ce la vie. Take your large mocha and have a nice life in Canada, guy. See ya, hopefully not but you get what I'm saying. 

So I wasn't too upset (at all) and it's more of a funny story than anything else. And I can officially say I'm on the dating scene. Dating means failing at relationship-ing but I'm not too worried about it. Here's to having an excuse to dress up and try new places to eat and meet new people and probably too many hilariously awkward dates/first meetings to explain to you all.

I'm off to bed as we start our week of chaos tomorrow and I'm going to need some beauty rest. 

To be continued!

Oh Canada

Hello hello!

I have such good news from my last post. I made a friend! Yes! A new friend from Albany! I met her in a yoga class at the local YMCA and she's invited me to dinner and I'm going to go see her tomorrow because she works at UAlbany too! Look at that, you hit your lowest and BAM the universe sends something good. She's my mom's age BUT she's still really nice and very funny and I actually can relate to her. We probably won't be hitting up the bars or stay out past 9pm but I have someone to talk to and go to lunch with and go to yoga with. Counting it as a win in my book! She reminds me a lot of my second mom growing up in California. I call her my second mom because she has been in my life for well as long as I can remember. I don't know when exactly they became friends but we were young. My mom's friend who has stayed close throughout the years and would have play dates and we stayed the night when mom and dad left town and often have us kids over just because. One time when I was in the weird tween age where I was the oldest of many of the kids of all the mom's but then younger than most of the older siblings so I was stuck in the middle and had trouble relating sometimes. I was usually the odd man out as I'm naturally shy, but my second mom invited just me and my sister over to her house and while my sister played with her son who's the same age, she and I spent the day cooking and canning pears and talking and she made me feel like such an adult and like I belonged. And so when I'm with my new friend, Carrie, I have that same feeling of belonging.

And I started my own business! Well not really, but I am a new distributer of USANA products. And I have two clients! Ok, they are my parents BUT my mom is kicking butt on her pathway to living healthier and is down 6lbs in 5 days (atta girl mom!) and it's a win for me because healthy parents mean they are going to be around much longer. USANA is not your typical weight loss system, it's more of a for-always-and-forever-health system. I've kinda used them on and off for the past year, almost 2 and after jumping in with two feet instead of just kinda riding the fence, I lost 25lbs, am stronger, healthier and overall feeling better. I use the products, I am a success story and I'm still working on my goal and I not only believe in just the products but the message to help people be healthy. If it helped me, is continuing to do so, I want everyone to know and to help anyone else who is looking for some guidance. I like to help people and this product helps people tremendously! They taste good, the vitamins are what I totally contribute to keeping me healthy as I haven't had a cold or (a real cold not a stress induced one)been sick with a virus since January of 2014. Ummmm HELLO!! 2015 is almost over and I haven't had the common cold, not even once! Boom. Drop the mic.

So if you're interested, and want someone who gets it, has been there and wants to help you, you know who to call (that'd be me). (wink wink.)

Ok, back to my trip that has only taken me a month to tell..sheesh. Instead of class I guess I just procrastinate on blogging. Yikes.

It's Day 2 of our road trip to New York, and we are leaving Detroit to head all the way to Albany, about another 9 hours away but we decided to go through Canada because duh, it's CANADA. And to see Niagara Falls! So we go through customs and the Canadian border patrol was really intense...like I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice, right? Well, he grilled me and then after finally realizing that we just wanted to go see the falls he was nice and told us how to get there. Ok...weirdo.

Had to get the Canadian money. Long live the Queen.

And off we went into Canada!

So Canada was...well...really boring. Soph fell asleep even though she tried her hardest not too and after seeing a couple billboards warning driver's to focus I totally get why they were necessary...It was kinda like driving through Kansas or Indiana. BORING. It was way less than spectacular and I really don't have any desire to go back anytime soon.

But then we got to the falls.

Oh. My. Gosh. If you have been there than you know. But no picture can do it justice. It is simply amazing and so breath-taking and gorgeous. We spent about 4 hours just at the falls and we only went into 1 touristy shop and ate lunch. But we enjoyed the water fall, we went on a boat tour and got super soaked, walked up and down the Canadian side and realized how much cooler it is on that side versus the US side (sorry, I'm all about American Pride and all that jazz but Canada wins that one. Hand down.) and it was a great day. Instead of talking about it, I'll just show you. So cool. Just so cool.

The most exciting part of the drive to Canada. I wish I was joking.

The US side

Pre-Soak

Up close and wayyyyy personal

The Canadian side

Post-Soak

And then we realized we had spent way too much time and needed to head on back into the states, into NY and make the last leg of the trip to Albany, New York. At border control we got stopped by probably the hottest border patrol police man I have ever and will ever see (bajeezus he was so hot and I couldn't awkwardly sneak a picture) but he asked "So why did you go to Canada?" "Oh I'm moving to New York." (awkward silence) "Congrats. Why did you go to Canada?" "Oh. Right. I'm an idiot, ok, embarrassing, um, well, we went to Canada to see the falls but we're headed to New York because I'm moving there."  "Did you like the falls?" "Oh yeah they were great." "Did you buy anything?" "Just a starbucks mug!" (shows him the mug) "Really, that's nice, well roll down your back window, please-(rolls down window) ah, yes, you're not lying, or at least I really hope you are moving all that stuff. (as he sees that Pearl is literally spilling out with all of my belongings) Have a safe trip and welcome to New York."

We made it! Snap chat or it didn't happen!

Cue the music, Frank Sinatra sings it best, New York, New York, NEW YORK!

And off we went.

We finally got into Albany at around midnight but we made a quick stop to my new work just because it is the sole reason I made the move. Kinda felt like we were trespassing since it was so late but I figured I could have gotten out of any citation but just saying that I was almost an employee had Campus Police shown up. That sounds legit, right? Sure.

We stayed the night in the hotel that I stayed at when I had flown out for my on-campus interview and then early the next morning went to my new apartment in a suburb of the city. We get in, start moving some things, set up in the huge walk in closet I now have (the real reason I signed the lease, let's be honest) go shopping for some lamps and other little things you don't think of til you get into a new place and then drive around the city just checking it all out. As my furniture is coming later that week in a big old storage box, Sophie and I share my air mattress and sleep on the floor of my new/kinda smells weird but is cute and just the right size, apartment. In New York. Albany and not the Big Apple but it's still New York.

The next day we check out campus and Soph meets my new coworkers and we go to the book store before I have to take her to the airport.

You all know how that went. I'm crying just thinking about it. What the efff, Marissa Lynn, seriously should look into a way to deactivate my tear glands.

I'm crying, she starts to tear up and it's just a mess. I finally don't know what else to do and try to compose myself and leave with just shaking her hand and we let out a roar of laughter because we've been through way too much to say goodbye like that. I'm so thankful she came with me to make the move and we had a great time reminiscing, seeing the falls together and enjoying each other's company. It takes a lot to move someone 1000 miles away and there's no where else to go so you better like them at least for the majority of the ride. We actually had a bumpy start to our friendship. Sure we worked together and I invited her and the other GA's to join me on a lot of things but it really wasn't until there was a little bit of drama that we really bonded. It took some rumors and believe it or not, a boy in the middle of it all that made me confront what I thought was petty high school debauchery that was actually just your typical miscommunication. But because I was honest, and I wanted to make sure that any drama was going to be stopped in it's tracks, she came to respect me more and I her, and eventually led to us hanging out more, opening up more and the next thing I know we're running a half marathon together, studying together, taking a class together that I don't need at all, taking hikes together, going to the pool and tanning together, calling her at my first interview to practice my presentation while she's counting how many um's and likes and you know's I say, to crying over boyfriends and not really boyfriends but jerk you around boyfriends, to paying for her ticket from New York to Illinois so that she can spend even more time with me. Sometimes it's not how long someone has been in your life but how far they'll go for you. And it's been quite the adventure. Here's to more with her.

Half marathon. What in the world were we thinking.

We clean up nicely.

Adventure partners.

Friends are family you get to choose. <3

Good times with good friends. I miss you so much it hurts.

Don't kill me for this photo ;) 

And then I had to leave her and head back to my now very big and very empty apartment. Alone. I think I cried for the rest of the day.

But I'm doing better. I'm not crying anymore (at least this second) and some days are harder than others. My apartment has a bed and real furniture now and is so much cuter with my personal touches. Things are looking up. I'm excited for the future.

Niagara Falls just one more time. Because it's just too cool.

To be continued!

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It has been awhile and I want to talk about my trip out to New York with my friend, Sophie but tonight isn't that night. Nope. Next time. Maybe. Tonight's blog is about how hard it's been for me to transition.

It sucks. I have no friends and I know a whopping total of 8 people. There's only 9 people in the office I work in and that's including me. 8 seems like a lot, right? Wrong. They all have lives, families, their own friends and things to do. They're settled. Some are older, some are closer to my age but they're from here and have been here and I feel like I'm imposing myself by asking to hang out outside of work. So I workout at another gym but haven't worked up the courage to talk to anyone yet. And I work on my 750 piece puzzle because that's pretty much the only game you can play by yourself and not feel like your actually playing a game by yourself. I can't look at Yahtzee without wanting to cry. And I paint. I have a lot of new wall art and inspirational quotes. (thanks pinterest) And I buy used furniture from Craig's List and meet some very nice middle aged suburban soccer mom's and dad's. The highlight of my week other than absolutely dreading the weekends because I don't get to come to work then, is the Farmer's Market in Troy. It's lively and has bands and everything from fresh fruits and veggies to handmade pottery to cheese and fresh flowers and it's fun. But it's lonely.

I rarely feel un-alone (is that even a word?? probs not) and I keep telling myself that as soon as school starts it'll get better.

But it might not. I'll be busy but I don't have classes to meet and connect with people in. I don't have GA's who are my built-in posse. And when school starts there will be more people around but more people doesn't necessarily mean I'll make friends. And they're students, I'm not. I can connect and be a good boss/resource but no longer can I go and hang out or ask to go to the movies together or just grab lunch. And that really sucks.

I'm a 14 hour drive away from my closest living friend. And she's in the same time-zone. From my SIU friends, I'm not only an hour difference but a 19 hour drive too. I'm 2967 miles from my home town, my family.

That's a long ass way to get home.

I knew this when I accepted the position. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was fully aware that I was going somewhere far far away and that I wasn't going to be coddled at all. I'm here to work. and I like my job. I actually had a great meeting with some club members today and they were jazzed for the upcoming year and the changes and I'm jazzed too.

I love this field and I love what I have been doing. I'm going to love what I will do and I mean that. But I'm a social person and I have to turn the tv on when I'm home all the time now because I got used to having noise with a roommate and having friends who were constantly around me. It's just the QVC channel and I have almost been tempted to call and buy some stupid watch or purse but it's just the noise I crave and the distraction that makes me almost believe I'm not alone.

I'm not scared, I have a lock on my door and I'm surrounded by young families in the apartment complex who are all very nice but keep to themselves mostly and would immediately call the cops at any sign of danger or suspicious behavior. I was out doing laundry late one night and a young mom watched me from the window and then poked her head out and said that next time she would do her laundry with me just because she didn't want me to be out that late at night. So I'm safe and I feel safe.

But she and her husband have 2 young kids who play instruments and what do they have in common with a 23 year old single girl? Not much, other than the same need to laundry once a week. And I haven't seen her much since that night.

I finally had my first of I'm sure many break downs tonight. I pride myself on not getting very homesick. I studied abroad, twice. I moved away from home at 17 and haven't lived at home since. I moved across the country. twice. This shouldn't be that hard for me. I should be used to this by now. Why do I feel this way? It's frustrating and tiring and really hard to get over. I can't just go see anyone when I feel this way to make the feeling go away. Texts and phone calls help but only so much. And I know I'm already losing the people I love so much. If I haven't lost them already.

Accurate depiction of me right now. Ok I exaggerate. Slightly. I'll get over them. Maybe.

The thing is, I was so used to going to the next step, having a goal to meet, a timeline, a plan. Now my plan is to reevaluate my position here in about 2 or 3 years. 2 or 3. No definitive answer. No real end date. I technically don't have a next step to look forward to. No graduation to look forward to. No "Just get through this because it's all worth it" stepping stone like before. Just get through this quarter, just get through this remedial job, just get through this GA deal, just get through til you graduate....nope. Those stepping stones are technically done and I have 'made' it as a wage earner, a contributing adult in society who pays taxes (who the hell is FICA and why does he get all of my money anyway?!?) and a retirement plan. I think it was the retirement plan that really made my head spin. I physically got sick, puked my guts out (when I'm anxious this is normal. I give myself the flu. Cool, huh?) and called a friend. I couldn't be strong any more. I caved. I got home sick. I got friend sick.

I got my first pay check and it was SOOO small. UGHHH. I can't afford the hipster Farmer's market off that let alone a trip to Macy's!

I called my friend from college in Cali who is going to grad/dietician school in Tennessee. She's like me, went on a whim and good faith. But she gets it, she understands what it's like to leave what everyone thought was a good thing because we felt that there was something more, something better. And she played along while I tried to hide the fact that I was crying and sick and she told me all about her rotations in different hospitals and she nerded out over hypertension and other fancy doctor words and how she plans out meals for her patients and met the cutest 70 year old man who told her all he wanted to eat was chocolate pudding so she promised him that at breakfast he could have chocolate pudding because the man is 70 and has earned chocolate pudding for breakfast. Thanks, girl.

This is so me the last 3 months. I am my mother's daughter...sheesh. Crying over cute videos of puppies, what is wrong with me??

And I'm ok. I do have good friends. They just aren't here but they are good and they do love me. I just wish they all could come visit like right now right now and hug me but I'd settle just for a visit in the future (you know who you are). And I will find people here, eventually. I'm learning that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever, and that's ok. I miss people more than they miss me but I kinda knew that would happen too. I'm not alright yet, but I'm ok. And I'm ok with just being ok. For now.

This. From you. Now. Right. Now.

Social media really can make a person long for what used to be and screws with people hard core. So I'm going to avoid it for awhile, or limit my time so I'm not such a nut case who gets sick just because of something on snap chat. (sadly, there isn't any amount of cold and flu meds that'll fix this stress sickness...thanks body)

I'll leave you with two good things though. It's my brother's birthday today. He turned 18. I still see him as the much shorter 12 year old boy when I left home at 17. But that was 6 years ago and he's much taller and gown up now. Weird. And my ex-roommate got his driver's license. How he passed, beats me. Just kidding, he was taught by the best, obvi.

Welcome to the adult world, brother. And welcome to the adult world of driving, roomie. And hello retirement plan at 23....whaaaa??? I wish I was this excited about being an adult.

I'll continue my story next time, so good night. To be continued.

The Adventure Never Stops

Hey Y'all,

I'm currently sitting in the Louisville airport headed back to Albany, New York after a very quick but great weekend spent in Kentucky to celebrate Kaylee's wedding! It's still such a concept to wrap my head around that almost 2 years ago she told me about how she got engaged while sitting together at midnight in the middle of a Steak and Shake restaurant and she hid her ring from me so that she could tell the story with the most dramatic flare that she could and then show me her ring as a surprise. We both have a little taste for exaggeration.

And now she's a wife. A beautiful bride and a beautiful ceremony that took me and my old coworkers to the southern parts of Kentucky to her and her husband's (gasp...she's MARRIED) home town of Somerset. It was all very much exactly how she wanted it to be and how she had described it and I couldn't be happier for her and Jay. After their honeymoon, the two will live in Lexington where Jay will finish out his schooling to be a Doctor of medicine and she recently got a job in Lexington as well. 

Doesn't that just sound like a dream? 

No, I'm not jealous this is their life for the next week...not at all. Have fun Kaylee and Jay!

Gosh dangit, everyone can stop growing up and getting their lives all situated now! I changed my mind I don't want to be an adult!

As much as I do want to talk about the wedding and how it was mostly family and us friends from grad school, and how we were the only ones on the dance floor and everyone said we had the accents, not the other way around and how one of the groomsman started to hit on my very un-single friend so we were going to pretend to be lesbian lovers (since we basically are..totally joking! But it was our on-going joke since we have slept in the same bed more times in the past month than she has even seen her boyfriend so take that how you will) but since we were in the south we figured that would maybe not be a joke to be taken lightly (and probably anger an otherwise un-bridezilla like bride) I want to finish up my summer time adventure stories. (Kaylee, you'll be on your honeymoon anyway so the timing is perfect)

The last real week of my time in Carbondale was a very special time for me. I will think of it fondly and those who helped make it special for me. I got the chance to say good bye to my old office and bosses and coworkers. My director was complimentary and assured me that I could always reach out if I needed them. And then I said good bye to Lane, my direct supervisor, boss. I went in knowing full well that I was going to cry like a baby but tried really hard not too. Shocker. I cried. And he told me some last advice and that he was proud of me and to go spread my wings. 

Cue all of the emotions like ever just come gushing out. Ugh.

Don't do it!! Hold it together! 

I about fell to the floor, how was I supposed to navigate being a professional without him? It will be very hard to not hold any future boss to his level. We learned a lot together and he welcomed me as one of his own family and I will forever be appreciative of that. I was able to count on him when I made mistakes or needed help but knew that he would always have my back to let me take on new responsibilities and try things out on my own and he let me fail a few times. But he was always there when I had problems. He was understanding when I needed to take time off for me and was there for me when I got broken into. He was much more than just a boss who I only saw behind a desk. I worked hard for him to make sure I never let him down. That’s the sign of a good leader, someone who you want to work for and not just go through the motions. 

I left the Rec Center, my home of the past two years and it was a very surreal and very scary moment. Everyone said that I was ready and that I was prepared because of what the Rec had taught me but was that the case? Guess we’ll have to wait and find out for sure. 

That weekend was the 4th of July and I spent the 4th with my Rec friends hiking and swimming in lakes and rivers. Than we went to a neighboring town to watch fireworks and had a little picnic while celebrating America’s birthday with explosives and wine. It was perfect. I got covered in mosquito bites and we swam in dirty lake water but it was refreshing and care free. I was with people who are genuine and real. They made me feel apart of their clan, accepted and appreciated for being nothing other than me. And it was the perfect little ending to my time in Carbondale, as I had started my journey with the GA’s on a camping retreat on that same lake 2 years before. Same place, same lake, but a completely different girl.

We were forced into working together, being Graduate Assistants and thus we had no choice but to have a relationship, albeit it could have been just work but I was fortunate enough to become really great friends with all of the GA’s. And I hope to stay in touch.

Pull yourself together, Woman!!

I spent Sunday cleaning my apartment and finishing packing my last few things. I ended up tossing a bunch of stuff since if it didn’t fit in Pearl, my little car, it wasn’t coming. And one by one, my friends who were still around all stopped by to help pack a little but mostly just to be with me and chat, get our last good byes. We reminisced and laughed and I tried not to cry. I made it til they left and then would lose it and would have to do it all over again. I didn’t know a human being could make so many tears, it’s so exhausting. 

One person said they would come back and say good bye but this good bye was going to be the hardest. But they never did. 

I can’t lie, this hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I waited and worried and then I got deeply sadden because I realized all I wanted was to just be with that one person. Out of all my friends and people that I cared about I just wanted to sit in my empty living room and laugh with them like we had so many other times before. I felt very alone and realized that I would have to get used to that feeling in New York. This was my reality. They didn’t want to be with me. Maybe because it was too hard or because they were busy, or couldn’t be bothered. And then I got mad and when I did see them, it wasn’t pretty.

I wish I could go back and not drive off like I did. I wish we could remember why we fought and I miss them too much to be mad anymore. But I hope they know that I wish they were right here and that we were all good and playing yahtzee. I hope they know I’ll never forget them as long as I live. They always knew how to push my buttons and they gave me everything and nothing but we always seemed to work it out. But when it mattered, and I wished they would have been there, they weren’t. And so, I guess that’s where wishing gets me. Watching Criminal Minds reruns, drinking wine, blogging and missing people I shouldn't. Living the dream, I am, living the dream.

*drinks more wine*

The only thing left to do was grab my friend Sophie and make our way to Albany, New York. So we headed up to Detroit to stay with a friend before driving through Canada just to say we did to go through Niagara Falls the following day. The first day of driving was less than spectacular. We saw a lot of the corn fields of Illinois and Indiana. I’ll show you what about 499 of the 500 miles we drove through looked like…

So. Much. Corn. CORN EVERYWHERE

Yeah… it’s super boring but we had the radio and she had to drive partly because my eyes were watering from allergies…*coughcough yeah sure “allergies” cough* It kinda all hit me as we left the state of Illinois and I didn't know when and if I would ever be back to that state. And then we drove next to a corn field and the allergies hit me like a ton of bricks.

But we finally got to Detroit and got to visit with an old friend and see how he has his life all together with his big boy job and his own little bachelor pad. But because it was the middle of the week our stay was short and we had to leave early in the morning as he had the big boy job to go to.

And I’ll write about our second day of traveling and the epic-ness of Niagara Falls!

To be continued!

Buckle up, it's about to get really real

*Warning this is a blog post where I get really real and let you into my very guarded world. If you like your perception of me, and don’t want to see me in a different light that I don’t suggest you continue reading. Skip to the next blog post.

Hey,

This is maybe not the best timing but I have had a few days of some really intense days with my own thoughts and I hope this helps me. My therapist thinks it will help me and my therapist says their no time like the present and I usually listen to him so this is about to get a little real but here it goes.

So...where were we? 

I finished with teaching my roommate how to drive and have since heard that he passed his permit exam and is on his way to being a fully licensed driver. Kudos to that guy but how scary is it that there's someone out there on the road ways that was taught by none other than me? Hahaha suckers…

I also got my very first (and probably very last) tattoo. Now. For those that know my family this may come as a shock since the rule growing up and still currently is that if the Allen kids want to stay in the will and to be invited back for any holidays you can't have two things: toe rings or tattoos.

Dad and Mom are old school and this was the rule. We could come back with a crazy gothic boyfriend or say we joined a band and was dropping out of school to backpack through Asia and we most likely wouldn't get their automatic blessing, there would be a definite sit down and come to Jesus moment to be had but we wouldn't be shunned automatically. The other 2 though...all bets were off.

So why the big rebellious move? It wasn't to stick it to my parents. This wasn't and will never be about them. It's tough growing up. Life is hard. I grew up very blessed and very safe and had nice things. But life has a funny way of forcing you to grow up the hard way. And I am a very sensitive person. I feel all the feels for real all the time. I cry and I hurt when I should let feelings go but I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's been quite the ride these past 6 years since I moved away from the daily routine of high school and my very comfortable life living at home. Lots of downs. Lots of ups too. I moved across the country. Twice. I made friends. I lost even more. I was rejected by schools, jobs and internships and even by professors/mentors/coaches saying I wouldn't make it or wasn't good enough for x,y,z, etc because of a,b,c etc.  

And I have been hiding from myself and others for a long time. Shortly before I moved away to UC Davis, I went to my first high school party. I got brave and lied about where I was going and things got out of hand and some decisions were made that were rather poor. I was sexually assaulted. I left that party a different person, scarred and frightened but quietly I got out and didn't tell anyone what had happened. Little did I know that pushing it away and pretending that nothing happened wouldn't solve my problems. If anything they worsened as time went on. I told my closest friend and she told me to get help. I brushed it off and said that it was partly my own fault and there wasn't anything to do and that I wouldn't. And so I became a very unhappy, conflicted person. I turned to toxic things to distract myself. Through time and some random therapy attempts but mostly dealing with it on my own I was alright. I told a few close friends if I felt like I needed to but otherwise it was my little, dirty, dark secret that I was ashamed of. 

And then I had a very close friend get attacked and raped at her school. I was heart broken for her but because I felt that I had let her down. I somehow led her to her demise because I was also assaulted and tried to run from it and pretend it didn’t happen. But because of my story she did what I never could. She reported it. And that terrible human got what he had coming and she broke his nose but not without leaving her permanently affected and not for the better. If I could go back I would have done things with my own story differently. I would haven’t had that last drink. I wouldn’t have stayed out. I would have gone home. I would have told. I would have prosecuted. But I didn’t. And these are the cards I was dealt and the outcome is the outcome. I can’t change that. But don’t think for one second that I think all victims are the same or that girls shouldn’t come forward. I also know that some girls use it as a means of revenge. Look up the case concerning UC San Diego students recently. But also know that I do think and know that there is a very sickening rape culture in today’s world and not many people are able to comprehend that perpetuating it is happening daily. But not teaching our girls to protect themselves isn’t right either. I knew the dangers but only like that of a person understanding that yes, getting on in a car could mean it could potentially crash but it most likely won’t happen to me. I didn’t think it would. And here I am. It unfortunately happens much more than we realize. And we have to educate both sexes. 

Coming out with my story has been something that my therapists have suggested to do since the very first time I walked in to the counseling center 6 years ago. And it’s not easy. I’m crying writing this and I know it will change how many of my friends will see me. It’s human nature. My own family took it hard. And I can’t tell them how to grieve or how to feel. They blame themselves for not noticing or being there as I didn’t say anything sooner. But this was never about them. Ever. Nor will it ever be. And some of the comments when I do tell people are meant well but hurt more than they think. It’s not easy to understand or empathize with. And sometimes people ask questions or try to turn it around and bring it back to their own focus and about them and that’s not what I wanted or need to hear. I have my own reason and it’s not rational but I did what I did and that’s that. So it’s been rough but it’s ok. I had to tell them, this is me and like it or not I will own it if that means I can save one girl from experiencing the pain I did. And for those that I don’t want to tell in person, well I guess this is my way of avoiding having to do this more. 

That’s what the tattoo is for. It’s a bouquet of California Poppy flowers and blue violets. My favorite flowers that have a couple of meanings for me. California poppies represent mourning and moving on and my original home. And because after the attack I spent a lot of time writing to my deceased grandfather, who we called Poppy, as I wasn’t able to tell anyone else yet. I know it seems silly but writing to him made sense to me and made it so I didn’t have to keep it all bottled up inside. Blue violets are the state flower of Illinois, my second home, and where I have grown into the young woman I think I want to be and to represent that I made out of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life this far. Moving to New York was easy because I did move to Illinois before that. But not only did I make it, I was successful and I proved everyone who told me no or doubted even for a second or said that I was the wrong choice that they were wrong. Really wrong. You know who you are. And I’ve got to tell you, I can do this. I’m still growing and learning but I’ve got this.

My family was definitely shocked that I got the tattoo. My siblings saw it first. My sister and brother were like “Ooooooh you’re in trouble. You’re dead. Dead dead dead. Dad’s going to freak. Nice, it’s Zane’s graduation weekend and we have to have a funeral too.” I tend to tell the little siblings about my secrets first. They hate that but so far they haven’t tattled yet. I end up telling anyway but they always keep my secrets. When I showed my parents my mom said nervously, “Have you shown your father yet?” And my dad just laughed at my tattoo said that it at least looked nice but that I was nuts for getting it because it’s permanent. And that the siblings were still not allowed to get one. So I’ll take that. I guess I’m still invited back for Christmas. 

Please don’t think I am an unhappy person. I am a little lonely in New York and I miss my home, family and friends. But I’m ok now, a much better place than I was. I still live, and try to be spontaneous and I still enjoy my life and I don’t hide from going out or trying new things. It may be a defining moment in my life, a paradigm shift but it was not nor will never be all that I am. I still laugh and love. And please don’t pity me. I am not a survivor. I honestly hate that term. Abhor it. That should be reserved for people who beat cancer and are heroic. I am not. I am a girl who had a rather unfortunate event happen who is still working on figuring out what that means for the big picture and grand scheme of things. So don’t call me a survivor, or a victim or brave. I’m not. I just had someone take something from me that I wasn’t willing to give. And I’m doing what I can to be ok. And I think this will help me mourn a little and get to that ok place. I’ll figure it out eventually, with the right therapist and journaling, I’ll make it out just fine, I don’t need pity or sympathy. I am who I am, don’t be sorry for that. It took awhile, but I’m not sorry for who I am at all. 

Here’s some links on how to talk or just be there for someone who went through a tragedy. It’s very common and it’s hard to know how to respond sometimes. But this is a good start on educating yourself for the possibility.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/tipsforfriends.html

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/articles/supporting-someone-who-has-been-raped-or-sexually-assaulted/

To be continued.

Never Going To Beat This Summer With You

How you doin'? (say that in your best mobster/new yorker accent)

They do pronounce it like that. It's subtle but it's there.

Ok so it's not THAT bad here in Albany, but there is a definite accent from most people I talk to. And out of all the people I have met so far only one person (my boss, who is not from New York, but from Georgia) knew that Southern Illinois did not mean Chicago.

Sigh. Everywhere you go. Geography is seriously a very underrated school subject. One woman looked at me, laughed and then said she couldn't even try to pick out that state on a map, that she knew it was just 'somewhere out west'.

Umm. Well. I mean. There are 49 other states. That's a lot to keep track of sure. But most states are indeed "west" of New York. We are on the "East Coast"...so yes, you are technically right. and you have a college education...

Anyway, I had my first day today and it was a good day. Even though I got tired right around 3:00pm and wanted to take a nap...It's day one guys, don't judge.

It's so true though! I get crankier than a two year old without their blankie.

I got on payroll, got a new email, a parking decal, a Faculty and Staff ID badge, a new office that is MINE with 2 computer screens and a desk and a door that shuts and locks and means I can keep people out and buckle down if I want without interruptions. After working in a very crowded student office and a desk just out in the open meaning having to respond to the public like a secretary, dropping everything I'm doing just for them (when we had capable secretaries in the back of the office...the back?? makes sense...never understood that) for the last 4 years this is FANTASTIC. Probably the most excited thing about my day was opening and shutting my door. It's the little things, folks. The little things.

The real work will start later in the week, the paperwork stuff had to happen first so my first day was more or less not what a typical day will look like but hey, it's a start.

And for the next two days, the other Assistant Director, myself and our Director and Associate Director are headed to a pre-conference/training/check out different Rec Center (in the rec field we do this. A lot. We like to brag and show off our facilities if we got them.) in Long Island so I won't even get the chance to really settle into my new office just yet. But that's alright because it'll give me a chance to blog about my summer adventures.

You may all think I write for you, but in actuality I write for me. I often look back and it's like a diary or a box of postcards from different times and points in my life (and think how bad my grammar was or how naive and young and silly I sound) and look back mostly with fondness.

So. Summer. Summer of 2015. Let's begin. We know I went to concerts. We know I got a roommate. And we know that I spent some time at the pool. We know I got a job.

Other things I did this summer include-
Going back home for my brother's graduation.
Getting a tattoo.
Renting an apartment without a co-signer.
Volunteered at the animal hospital/shelter.
Worked out. A lot.
Lost weight.
Hanging out with my Rec GA friends.
Hiking in Southern Illinois.
Swimming in creeks and lakes in Southern Illinois.
Playing hours and hours of yahtzee until 3am with my roommate.
Going to friends' gigs and listening to them play banjos at local bars.
Singing karaoke for the very first (and most likely last) time.
Teaching my roommate how to drive.
Learning how to cook. Cook better in a different way I should say.
Kicking him out.
Letting him stay.
I loved.
I fought.
I lost.
I cried. Happy and sad and mad and sometimes just no reason tears.
I moved 975 miles farther away.
And I laughed. I laughed with my close friends and we enjoyed our one and only summer together.

It was perfectly not perfect, adventuresome and boring, productive and lazy, nostalgic and new and spontaneous.

Never going to beat this summer.

My Rec GA friends became the only friends I really had left in town. So we hung out a lot. We went to sunset concerts and made homemade mojitos (that were the best mojitos I had ever had) and played board games while people watching and listening to some funky blues. Then they dragged me to a karaoke bar and after a few more glasses of liquid confidence they were able to get me up on stage to sing. Naturally I wasn't going to sing alone but we had to choose a song everyone knew, had a good hook and would make it not so weird. What better song than Sweet Caroline?? Everyone loves to sing the "Sweeeeeet Caaarroooliinneeee Bah Bah Baaaahhh" part.
It was a hit. Obvi. And we all learned I can't sing at all. Like absolutely no future in entertaining for me.
But it was a great night with dancing and laughter and even a little drama to send me off. (Drinking man...just a bad idea for hotheads looking to fight) but it was super fun. I loved every minute of it.

I also spent part of the summer teaching my roommate how to drive. He's another GA and never really needed to learn before. Grew up in a different country in a big city and it wasn't the norm to drive like it is in the states. So one night we went to get some frozen yogurt at a place open late and then we went to a big mall parking lot and he got behind the wheel. He was super nervous but he did alright. I helped teach my younger siblings how to drive so I kinda knew how to teach him. At the very end though we must have freaked the mall cops out since we were just circling and randomly stopping and going, trying to park, etc. all late at night and they came and turned on their little flashy lights at us and asked if we were ok. After explaining that he was just learning how to drive she laughed and told him good luck and to keep practicing. Mall cops...just let us drive in the empty parking lots in peace! We did that a couple of times and then we even got brave and drove on some back roads. On time, he didn't notice this family of raccoons in the road and I know realize why the drivers ed teacher has a brake on his side of the car. He stopped in time but it was hilarious and scary and I totally was that girl screaming to stop and braking with my invisible brake really really hard. He was pretty nervous after that but he's a good driver. Night time driving is hard when you're first learning too if you don't remember. Lights, hard to see lines, and trying to avoid nighttime critters? Not exactly easy when you're just trying to figure out how to steer.

They may be cute but they're sneaky little bastards.

But we had a lot of laughs learning how to drive and some fights too but he got pretty good at it and we would go for a few hours and not even realize that he had been driving around a Lowe's parking lot practicing his parking and stops the whole time. I hope that he passes his test soon. I love to drive and it's a very free feeling, knowing that you can go anywhere and to be in control just you, a two ton vehicle and the road and it's a valuable skill to have.

We went to a place called Inspiration Point, only we had to go wayyyy off the trail to get to it. Like, bush-whacking, trail blazing, just kinda go through the middle of the forest on the side of a mountain. Ok not a super tall mountain but I don't do heights. And there were a few times were you would look back and just see the only way down was probably meaning you were going to have to roll. Or really like the idea of getting lost in the woods (as a logger's daughter this was a very real fear of mine and my parents' growing up) ain't my cup of tea either. And to top it off I got stung by a wasp, eaten alive by mosquitos and spiders. Yay. But it was all worth it when we reached the top. You got to look out on this beautiful valley of farms and little towns in Southern Illinois. I didn't bring my phone so no photos (it wouldn't have made the trip up) but it was breath taking at sunset. And so worth the hike up. A very fitting name, Inspiration Point. We met up with some mutual friends up there and spent the evening fighting away mosquitos, listening to them play banjos and ukuleles. It was kinda weird but kinda really cool too. I spent most of the time watching the sunset and thinking about how I would miss these people and this place. And that I was thankful to be able to take some time and really enjoy the beauty without a lens and to appreciate how blessed I was to be up there in that moment with some really genuine, good people. And that made it all the more beautiful.

Inspiration Point with some hillbilly musicians. I stole this photo.

I still have to pack for my trip with my new co-worker and bosses so I'll stop here for the night. I'll continue my summer stories from the road. Still working on that name. Maybe I'll get some inspiration from my new Rec peeps.

To be continued!