Gone but Not Forgotten

Hey friends. Thanks for checking in, I'm doing well, and I hope to start blogging again real soon. I have a post that was sitting in my drafts about the craziness of the holidays, (oops) so feel free to check that out.

As much as I want to talk about how things are going well, and that I got back from the NIRSA annual conference that was awesome and fun and how looking back over these past 9 months (9 months exactly tomorrow) so much has changed, I wanted to take the time to talk about something else.

About a very special someone in my life who maybe didn't receive enough credit or appreciation. And he unfortunately, has left this world and passed on, and I miss him dearly. I wish I could say these things to him, but I know it's too late. My only solace is thinking that he does know how much I care, how much my family truly loved and cherished him, and that I am ever so thankful for the time we did get to share.

Growing up, I had a grandfather who loved us grandkids very much. He would get up early and bring us donuts and would sing in the long car rides together. He taught me how to spell my first curse word and then would encourage me on to stand up at the dinner table and spell it for everyone to show how great of a speller I became. He passed on to me his sarcastic and corny jokes, and his incredibly quick wit. But he passed away when I was 13. Fast forward a few years and my Nana introduced us to a new man in her life. They weren't 'dating' and we often didn't know what to call him, except "Jack, just Jack". They were travel partners and companions. Do you really call an 80 year old man, your grandmother's boyfriend? I couldn't. I was miffed I didn't have a boyfriend yet in high school so that was never going to happen. So Jack became 'Just Jack' to me.

Jack would be with my Nana and they would travel to far off lands like Brazil and Norway and bring us back little tokens and trinkets from their travels. Jack was a 2 star Army General and always had some very surreal but amazing stories from his time spent in the army. I went to college only about an hour away from he and Nana, so it wouldn't be unusual for them to stop for lunch or to invite me over. It was at one of these luncheons with Jack and Nana (we coined them always together, since they were) that he and I got into a very lengthy and interesting (to probably no one else) conversation about Walt Whitman, Ernest Hemingway and other great dead writers. I was writing a paper on the subject and I'd be lying if I told you most of that essay were ideas and observations made by Jack. He recited Oh Captain, My Captain by heart at that restaurant in Davis, California and we became quick friends.

Jack was great at remembering my birthday and gave me a lovely stationary set when I turned 19. I sent him a thank you using the stationary, and I guess he was so pleased that it was a good gift he told my Nana that he wanted to send me a thank you card for the thank you I sent him. I used up that stationary that had my name embroidered beautifully in navy blue and gold (UCDavis colors) when applying to jobs, that I regret not keeping one piece just to serve as a reminder of him. He always knew and was genuinely interested when I talked about finding a job in recreation, and he even suggested that I look into living on the east coast. Specifically University of West Virginia, his alma mater but he's entitled to be a little biased. Upon graduating from UCDavis, he gave me one of the greatest gifts I could ever ask to receive. He invited me and only me to stay with him and my Nana in Paris, in his time share. It was one of the greatest trips of my life.

Jack spent a considerable amount of time in Paris while in the army and had fallen in love with the city and the people. Every year he would return in the summer for months and weeks at a time. So this was a pretty big deal that he was inviting me to go with them. My aunt and uncle learned of the invitation and then soon our party of 3 turned into a party of 5. I would join Jack and Nana to eat breakfast at a cafe and then go to the museums and landmarks, shuffling from cabs and listening to Jack tell his grand stories and interpret French for us, all the while being the most gentlemanly of hosts one could be. He paid for everything, always took a cab and always asked to make sure I saw all of Paris that I wanted to see. In the afternoons we would all lunch together, Jack and Nana, aunt and uncle, and me. Then as Jack and Nana went back to the apartment, I would be handed off to the other couple and we would walk about the city with no French speakers among us and no real destination, just exploring for the best foods the city could offer. I was 21 but was very much being the main concern in the planning of the days events...(Jack speaking with my aunt) - "Well, your mother and I are going to take Marissa to the Louvre, and then we will meet you for lunch, can you be up and ready by 1pm?" "Well we wanted to check out the Latin Quarter, so could you drop off Marissa near the Arc d'Triomphe?" "That's a little out of the way, what about taking Marissa to Napoleon's Tomb and tomorrow we can do the Eiffel Tower and you can pick her up there..." etc. etc.

After about 4 days of this I told them that I would be exploring alone, and that I would meet them all back at the apartment for dinner. 

But the trip was wonderful and I came to cherish that time I got to spend with both him and my Nana as well as with my aunt and soon to be uncle. I got to spend each evening drinking Beefeater gin martinis with a twist of lemon, a twist of lemon (you had to say it to the waiter twice or else they would give you an olive, which he hated) and playing cards and laughing about his mishaps the first time he traveled to Paris. I still have the map and the key chain of the Eiffel tower that he got me while on that very trip. Just this past summer, my siblings and mom were able to travel with Jack and Nana to Paris, and recreate my grad trip.

Jack would come with us on multiple family trips from then on, including Hawaii, and my siblings and I got to spend much more time with him even as we all went our separate ways for school. While we never introduced him as our grandfather, he was every embodiment of the word to us. Holidays and other days of celebration all included him. We could joke and enjoy his company and he became a very integral part of the family.

Jack passed away on the morning of March 31st. I was preparing to go on a work trip that would take me to Florida during his funeral. After weighing my options and looking at flights and times and connections, it proved to be especially difficult and expensive to find a way to get all the way back to California in a very short amount of time. I almost bought the ticket though as I wanted to be there since I felt I hadn't shown him enough how we all truly loved him, how much he meant to me. And then I looked over at my Paris key chain and my Walt Whitman book and thought how Jack would chuckle in his own way and recite Oh Captain, My Captain. It might not make any sense, but it did for me. It was his way of saying he knew. And it was ok.
So I opted in not going. My brother wasn't able to attend either but the Allen family represented us well, and we can mourn and pay our respects in other ways. I made sure to have a Beefeater Gin martini (it was the last of the bottle, and the bartender said they don't typically carry it. Must have been meant to be) with a twist of lemon, a twist of lemon the night before his funeral and wished that if I could live half of the very full life that Jack had lived, than I would be pretty well off. The world lost maybe the most interesting, kindest and genuinely most caring man that day. But I am so thankful to have been apart of his life.

RIP Jack. We'll always have Paris.

To be continued. 

Rissa Returns Part 2

Howdy Y'all!!

Can you believe 2015 is almost over??? Gah, I better get to explaining the end of 2015 before 2016 gets here. I like to look back at mhy old posts and man oh man...I'm shocked at how time flies but also at how incredibly stupid I was/can be. Sheesh. But I am pretty darn funny. Kinda.

So back to Thanksgiving and Rissa returning to the great state of Texas.

I've been to Texas now three times and all three times has been to Dallas. For such a large state I should check out other cities but until Family or friends move there, Big Dallas will be the spot.

Last time I made my way out to Texas it was for the Annual Conference for NIRSA and I was looking for a job...and the time before that I was headed to spend Thanksgiving with the same aunt and uncle. Only then it was just me and them. And two dogs. That's it. The Lone Niece Thanksgiving of 2014 was my first trip to Texas. It can be a little odd to hang out with family when you aren't surrounded by more family or your immediate family but we became closer and we had a great time. One of my favorite times and great memories. 

This time however, I started a trend. My aunt invited her newphews, and her kids had moved back in with them while they figured out careers, school and started families of their own. 

So we had 1 aunt, 1 uncle, 3 nephews, 2 significant others of the nephews, 1 daughter, 1 son, 1 son-in-law, 1 grandbaby, 2 original dogs, 2 dogs owned by daughter and son-in-law, 1 dog owned by son, and 1 dog owned by a nephew and last but definite anything but lease, me, the original lone niece. If you can't do the math, I'll let you know...it was 11 adults, 1 infant and 6 dogs all under one roof.

Luckily it's a 2 story house with 3 bathrooms (thank god) or it would have been wayyy worse of a time. I should also explain that the nephews are not my cousins. I had never met them before, they're on the other side of the family. It was just me and the uncle to represent our side but they were pretty cool bunch. 3 brothers and their girlfriends and one of their dogs. We got to know each other and the whole week was pretty fun. Upon arriving, I got the chance to meet them all and we all spent the evening drinking wine (my aunt and uncle are big winos) chatting loudly, laughing over family memories, holding the new baby and drinking more wine (i'm not kidding, they really are big winos). 

Wine and baby Keenan. What more could you ask for?

We ate way too much food on Thanksgiving, but with 11 people, left overs are not a thing, they maybe had some left overs that lasted until later that night. We also played a game that's really not PC but super fun. 

It's called Secret Hitler, and it's a game kind of like Clue, where you try to figure out who the liberals and the facists are (facists are bad) and then try to kill off Hitler before he becomes Chancelor. It's actually really fun and we spent the time accusing family of being facist-sympathizers while shouting German obscenities and drinking a plethora of wine and beer. It probably was fairly historically accurate to what actually happened in Facist Germany. I got plastered as I haven't drank much since July and 3 glasses in I was telling everyone to call me Angela Merkel and explained how I was going to save pre-EU Germany from economic disaster and that they would all be idiots if they didn't vote for me in the Bundestag (the equivalent of the House in the US) and my international relations and poli-sci major finally had a purpose and I was nerding out real hard.

Friday we nursed some slight hangovers (ok I probably was the only one with a hangover, sue me) and went out to the Big D itself, Downtown Dallas. We went to probably the classiest bowling alley you will ever find, with gourmet food and legit cocktails and a craft beer selection to make the snobiest of beer enthusiasts drool. You went bowling, and then a staff waited on you so in between turns, instead of eating sketchy nachos and whatever is left in the cooler I had a Moscow Mule, some artisan bread and cheese dips (their version of a pretzel and nacho cheese) and someone else got 4 gourmet sliders that were not sliders but actual burgers but it's Texas so you know, that's small. 

Proof that I bowled over 100 for the first time in my 24 years of life. Going pro next week.

We brought baby Keenan with us and it was loud and more like a decently lit bar that everyone just happened to be wearing bowling shoes at, but he did great for an infant. I helped get him ready and let's just say that's about the best damn version of birth control ever. Not 3 seconds (I'm not even exaggerating a little bit) after I got him kicking and screaming into his clothes and jacket to go out, I picked him up and he not only spit up all over himself but me as well. Ok, kid. I know you don't know who the heck I am but you're going to need to learn real fast that Aunt Marissa is not to be spit up on. We probably had to change him 4 times and we were only out in public for maybe 2 hours. 

Lindz, I love your kiddo, but you can keep him. Taking a hard pass on the whole having kids deal for quite some time. A very hard pass. 

Outfit #2 of 4 that day. Little man is cute as a button but so. Much. Laundry.

But it was a very fun night and after bowling we found a place to sit and eat and drink (do you notice a theme here?) and chat. It was definitely what I needed. No job, no work, no home sick, just fun. 

Saturday, was go home day for most of the cousins, nephews and myself, so it was more or less spent just picking up, and then heading out. I didn't want to leave, to be honest. It felt really nice to be with family and people who care. And New York meant I'd go back to my very lonely schedule of work, gym, home, repeat. 

I think my aunt and uncle picked up on how much I was struggling at that moment. I hit just about 5 months on the East Coast and I was on the lower part of the roller coaster ride of ups and downs. My uncle and I had a good talk about the real world, and he told me about how learning the hard way is the only way but it'll be ok in the end. He talked about how he screwed up at first too. He and I are pretty darn similar, and we both have only just began to realize it. We like the same weird, alternative music that people look at us like we're trying to be Portland hipsters at a concert in the back of a dive bar, in plaid t-shirts and think-rimmed glasses, but then we show up in jeans, converse shoes, in a Mini Cooper and with an attitude of "I'll do what I want" (btw Trevor, Ch. 35 on SiriusXM is my new favorite satellite radio station. And yes, I ask for my parents to renew my subscription every year for Christmas. Check it out.) and have the same sense of sarcastic, everyone here is an idiot, humor (the title of Grand Master Master of the Universe title is up for grabs currently) and a tad too defensive for our own good, and a bit of weird idea that school is good and the more degrees we can get, why the heck not? He's sitting on 2 master's and a doctorate. Why? Because he wanted to advance his career but we both are big nerds. I got my MBA just because I knew it was going to advance me in a career. Which career, who knows. I would have preferred a poli-sci master's degree, and I have a subscription to not only the Times but Wall St. Journal too, my favorite TV shows deal with lawyers and Madame Secretary with her kicking some serious international relations a$$ and I'm like I so could do that (no not at all). I'm already looking at classes I can audit for free since I work at UAlbany. I dabble with the idea of teaching at the college level. But I'm only 5 months and 5 days into my current job so you know...patience. Also something my uncle and I lack. But it was a good life talk with him basically just saying I did it, so you can too. It made leaving a bit easier and got me excited for the future. 

What really got me was on Friday night as we were sitting all together in a little restaurant that was definitely more for the hipster Dallas locals, and after maybe a few drinks (more than a few, we promise we aren't alcoholics) I was talking with my aunt about my job and just everything. And I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again. If my emotional level isn't between a 3 and a 7, I'm crying. So I'm tearing up about being home and friend-sick. She gave me a hug and said, she was proud of me and that I was more of a daughter than a niece. Hit me right in the feels. I'm very lucky to have not just a good but a close relationship with them both. 

Ok, I'm pretty infatuated with the baby and I'm pretty happy he's around now. 

I went back to New York happy to be back actually. We finished up IM sports and Clubs for the semester and I don't feel the need to cry everyday on my drive in or sometimes on my drive home too because I have nothing to go home to and those tweets and letter's to the president really do get to me. (That was a very real time but none of my coworkers know so keep it on the DL) I'm not as miserable. And a few days after my thanksgiving vacation, my boss and I had a semester in review and he asked me what grade would I give myself for the time I had spent. I said a B, and that was honest. It's no where I want it to be yet but we're doing good things and I think it's headed in the right direction. He agreed and gave me an A-. He said that he didn't think that they could have picked a better person for the position if they had the chance to pick anyone and not just the ones who applied. That's pretty uplifting to hear your boss's boss say. I guess it's going a lot better than what they had planned on for the first semester. And we got some big plans for the next semester that I'm excited for, and others that are necessary but not as fun. 

All that's missing are the 6 dogs!

Still weird to think that I made it through my first semester. It felt like it dragged on and on but looking back it went by pretty fast too. Funny how that works.

To be continued. 

Rissa Returns Part 1

Hi, hello, hola, ciao, how's it going, wassup??

Yeah, yeah, long time, no write, I know. You would think that since my life is very much wake up, go to work, work, go home, do something that resembles productivity (jury is still out), go to bed and do it all over again, I would have time to blog. I do but I don't. Days crawl by and other days go by so fast I wake up on Monday and by the time I get home it's Friday and I don't know what happened. 

Guess what though? In about 15 days I will have finished my first semester at UAlbany as an Assistant Director! CRAZY

Like whoa, no way, how the heck is that even possible? In a week, I will have officially been a New Yorker for 5 months. 5! I know, it's kinda insane.

In those 5 months I became a resident of New York, learned that I definitely picked up a midwestern accent and that the locals say "coffee" like "kwa-fee" and that I pronounce it incorrectly, that yoga and church are probably the only things keeping me from pulling my hair out from both work and lack of a social life, and that I'm going to pick up wine-drinking as a hobby. No really, I want to try all the wines and just become a total wine snob but in an "I'm an adult and classy" way. I even have real glasses and I bought a bottle of wine that was OVER $20 (it was $22 and on sale) but yeah it's going to be a thing. I also learned that people will totally take advantage of you and that even when you try to be nice they'll run you over (or write letters to the president, or make a claim on your car insurance when you should have just gone to the body shop on your own) and I've also learned that I, contrary to popular belief that I held for a very, very, long time, that I cannot make friends with everyone AND many people will not want to be my friend (shocking, I know). I fired staff, I hired more, we ran events, we canceled them, and I compared myself to every single boss I have had, every other recreation professional I knew and I come up short every time. But my new boss man says things are looking up and has commended me. And I was dumb enough to sit there and ask if he was sure. LOL. I asked my boss who was giving me praise if he was sure he wanted to give me an Atta Girl. Blame it on the blonde hair.  I'm terrible at accepting praise. I should say thank you and let it build me up but instead I'm all awkward and like "Oh gee, thanks, but what criteria are you basing that off of? Do you have data to back up that statement? How actually do you know for certain that I am doing well?" I can literally hear my aunt scream at her computer screen "For goodness' sake, Marissa, SHUT UP!"

So yeah. It's been a fun 4 months and 22 days. Not that I'm counting or anything.

Anyway, that's the not-so-brief update on my life. 

What I really wanted to blog about was my Thanksgiving vacation. I took the whole week (eek, a whole week from work?!?) and it was pretty freaking awesome. I spent the first half of the week visiting Salukiville before I headed to Dallas to spend it with my aunt and uncle (dad's side) with their family and extended families. 

But first my terrible, almost didn't make my connecting flight trip, to St. Louis...ugh. United strikes again, with a 2 hour delay that had me waiting for my carry-on luggage (they ran out of overhead space so had to go underneath but 'missed' it when they brought them all out...) and I was sprinting, not jogging SPRINTING through the airport in Newark as I heard "Marissa Allen to gate A24, the plane is about to depart." and I'm just about to cry when I see A freaking 24. Hallelujah. 

Run onto the plane and then we proceeded to sit on the runway for another hour. Gee that would have really sucked to not make it and just see it sitting there on the runway not going anywhere. 

But I made it and my friend Sophie was waiting for me in St. Louis to take me back to my beloved Salukiville. 

And while I want to tell you all about how I sat and chatted with so many friends and went out to my favorite bar (well more like the one I most frequented back in my glory days) and couldn't stay up past 1am (I'm a total grandma) and how I went to lunch with my coworkers and boss and it felt like I had never left, I can't. It's not the same and I definitely left. I'm not a GA anymore and a lot has changed. I'm totally going to blame the wine but I tear up thinking about it now. 

I saw my Associate Director and Director and it was so hard to not beg for a job. As much as I am happy to have a chance in New York, the familiarity of their faces, my old desk, and being around the other GA's make that trip down nostalgia lane downright unbearable. But as much as I invested my heart and soul into that place, I had to remember I was a tourist, a visitor. I was able to answer a few patron questions while there, it hasn't changed so so much but it was a weird feeling. Little things like signage and wall color make a big difference. And the not so little things like moving of offices, new faces that don't recognize me, and seeing my old friends with new friends was, well odd. I came back and my roommate got a girlfriend. I came back and one of the GA's moved his office downstairs and changed his title completely. Another student staff member got a promotion and I remembered her working underneath me and was really proud to see her succeed. And another good friend and I talked to the wee hours of the morning about our lives and even though she thinks it's in shambles, she's goign to go places. Even if it's in the back of her car as she camps out in the wilderness or hikes the pacific crest trail, but she's going to be just fine. But it was a lot to take in all together. And I wasn't even a little bit prepared.

I was feeling down and I guess I thought that seeing it changed would make me feel like I helped, that seeing them succeed without me was the ultimate goal. And I am proud and for as much bad they've been handed with budget cuts and hard times, they're still grinding away and making it work. It's not the same but in a lot of ways it's better. And that's great. I just wish I didn't feel like I had been gone a decade. So I took a walk on campus and retraced my old path to class. I'm such an emotional cutter- nostalgia, listening to the new Adele album (bad choice) and then I met up with a student who was there the first day I started working. J was the first student staff member I met, our boss Lane introduced us as we walked into the meeting with all the other student staff members to meet me and get started in the Fall of 2013. And it was such an awkward encounter because we were both new and not really sure of what was going on and Lane goes "Hey, J! Meet Marissa, the new GA, she's from California and J, well his brother and I are real close, and he's a new uncle! Isn't that right, J?" He went on but I was so embarrassed I stopped listening. I think J did too. 

We ended up being pretty good friends though as J and I got paired up together by the old GA, Bridget, (remember her? Blast from the past!) in Flag Football clinics and I leaned over to J and told him that I kinda fibbed and actually didn't know that much about how to be a field judge because we only ran 3-man crews for officials at Davis, not 4-man. He laughed and goes well, guess I'm running the show, and we got by BS-ing our way through teaching the baby officials. And that's how we became friends and not just work acquaintences. 

So J is graduating in December and I got the chance to see him again and it was like nothing skipped a beat, just talking and shooting the breeze like old times I would go out to the fields with J and watch mediocre flag football or Lacorsse practice. As we walked back to the Rec we both realized that we didn't know when we would see eachother again. I wish that was the only time I cried. But it wasn't. I had dinner with my friends and we shared lots of laughs and teased a lot but it felt good to laugh and be around them again. So leaving was realy difficult.  I said bye to my old co-worker, PJ and definitely got his jacket wet with my tears. I said bye to my old boss and couldn't handle it. He tried to be all hard-ass on me, but I know he misses me too. I'm a cryer. Always have been but this time it was like the flood gates opened up. It's a little more real that I'm not there anymore. It's a lot more apparent that I live so incredibly far away. And it's blantantly clear that I am a grown up now and I can't keep trying to be a kid anymore. I had a good time but I can't recreate it, they moved on, so should I. My director did tell me that I always had a home there, and that he was proud of me. And yes, I do consider SIU a home, but Albany is my new home. 

And I'm getting there. It's only been 5 months since I have moved but I have made friends, and I am getting a routine. And my current boss, is pretty good. He's very understanding that I am painfully young and naive, and that it's going to take a bit to go from GA to professional. And by a bit, we mean like 100 to 200 mistakes and oops and yeah...that was probably dumb but hey, it's ok. And already he's given me a lot of confidence that he has my back and that we can succeed. I got pretty lucky to already have had 2 darn good bosses. But let's not jinx it. 

Anyway, my trip to Salukiville was pretty nice and it was the most social I had been in about 4 months. I saw and reminisced and the whole time I came back to Soph's from saying good bye to someone, she let me cry. Sophie let me be my crying self and then she would get really real with me and we even had a heart to heart about how I finally had to move on from that one dumbdumb who I was still pining for. Ugh. The dating world is so lame. Nothing liike moving away from someone who apparently wasn't "just trying to be single" as I saw him with the new gf. Ouch. Guess "being single" meant "not with you". Classic. Wellllll I'm just about on a first name basis with the cashier at the wine store (they don't sell wine in grocery stores here, worst idea ever) so I think if I'm invited to a holiday party I'll just ask him. So yeah. There's that. Hope his wiffe's ok with it. (I'm totally joking, Mom.) 

Then we packed up and headed north to Chicago to catch a flight and for Soph to spend Thanksgiving with her loved ones. We got stuck in typical Chicago traffic madness and I owe her more than just a christmas card for her putting up with me (love you mean it, Soph!) but it was so good to road trip with her again. Long talks and yes, more tears, but lots of laughs too. 

I spent a quick 20 hours with my oldest friend, Madge, in her home in Chicago before she took me to the airport the next day. We have always had a long distance relationship, so it was nice to see her even if just for a quick stay. We went to dinner with her parents and we watched tv and again I was reminded that with the true friends, it's easy, and it's like there is no span of time or space between that can make it awkward. We fall right back into place. So to my Illinois Family, thank you for a great trip back. Please know how much you all, and I mean you all, truly mean to me.

My next blog will be about my trip to Dallas for An Allen/Marois/Porter Family Thanksgiving, aka the one dozen people, 6 dogs and a baby in one house for Thanksgiving sleeping arrangement nightmare of 2015. Not joking or exaggerating. not even a little bit.

Til then, I'm just going to drink my wine and totally avoid my email.

To be continued!

2 Month Update

Hi hi!

Can you believe it?? I've been in New York for 2 months now! Technically 10 weeks. 10 WHOLE WEEKS!

So yesterday was the observed Jewish holiday (I'm probably getting this wrong, don't mean to offend anyone) of Yom Kippur, and now that I'm in New York, that means the University is closed in observance. Which means no IM sports. Which means I have the night off WHAT WHAT!! We've actually had a few holidays due to the Jewish religion which is fine by me, I don't observe but I thank those of you that do because now I can do laundry and clean uninterrupted after work. And after work means right at 5pm, OH YEAH! We still had to work but like I said, I'm cool with that.

It's the little things like laundry and having a clean kitchen that really make you appreciate your mother. How she managed to keep it somewhat clean with 3 kids, I have no idea as I'm one person and I found my glasses underneath my couch and I'm pretty sure I had workout clothes sitting on my kitchen table for at least 2 days. (I don't eat at my table, that makes way too much sense, I use it for storage, duh)

So this place is going to look sparkly clean in about 2 hours and I couldn't be more excited to clean!

It's my apartment and I'll do with it as I please, thank you very much.

It has been the longest 2 weeks of my new life life. We started 3 out of our 18 sports this semester and it's been CRAZY. Just 3. JUST 3! Crazy and chaos all rolled into one, I call it Cray-os for short. From schedule mishaps, to everyone and their moms up in arms over my new rules (that are national standards but good lord you thought I had told them that their student loans didn't go through when I brought the "no slide tackling" rule to soccer) and clubs behind on payments, (Oh sorry, Marissa, we need this paid today but we still haven't turned in the paperwork for it) I feel like a complete and total FAILURE.

To the highest degree. Or Lowest...whatever.

I had to suspend a player for getting ejected from a soccer game. It was my first one on one sit down with a student who decided to yell obscenities at my official and then proceeded to punt the soccer ball out of the field because an official called a goal when he thought he had saved it. His team was up by 5 too. And he's a senior. Maturity is hard, I know. I was super nervous but held my ground even when he tried to stare me down. I stared back, told him it was a one game suspension and that if it happened again, or any other forms of disrespect/rule breaking that further suspension would be put into place. He literally stomped out of the office but I made my point, and my boss high-fived me. I know it's only the first one and probably the easiest but man, I hate that part of my job. It's not the olympics but there's nothing like competition to bring out the best and the absolute WORST in people. Geez.

And then I had a kid go on a rant to me in an email and I had to get my boss involved. Ugh. I hate that. I get students have needs and sometimes they just need to vent and feel heard but I hate that I have to get my bosses involved. I just know that I couldn't and shouldn't try to handle this on my own so I had to go asking for help. I hate hate hate asking for help when I feel like I should be able to do it on my own. And not just with my boss I absolutely abhor asking for help, period. (It's a fault, I'm working on it)

Pretty much what I say quietly, and not so quietly to myself. Every. Gosh Darn. Day.

My boss also picked up on my stress levels and told me I wasn't allowed to come into work on Friday. I laughed and thought he was joking but then he very seriously said that he would ask our secretary and that if she saw me come in (her desk is right by the only door) that there would be consequences. Um. Ok.
But I didn't really enjoy my day off because I kept thinking about all the things that needed to get done and still answered emails from home. It was more of a punishment. I ended up going on campus for official's trainings but ok'ed it by him first. Idk what the consequences would be but I wasn't going to test him. Too early in my career to outright disobey the boss. But I got some more sleep and napped which was really really needed. So maybe he had a point.

But then I got some wins in too.
Our new supervisors are doing great. They work really hard and most that I have talked to really like their jobs. They love having a uniform and feeling apart of something special. Which is why I was excited to be a Supervisor at Davis, so the fact that I know can give that to student staff is so awesome.
And then someone told my boss how well the games were officiated and that they really like how serious we are about the sportsmanship of teams (teams have to get a certain score in order to make playoffs. It's our way of saying "Play nice, or else.") and then some of the clubs literally told me that I was, and I'm quoting verbatim here "the best" and "super helpful" and I have the emails to prove it (daww thanks, guys!).
And one of the teams came up to me after their game and asked if they could play multiple nights a week. I told them, no, sorry, we can only schedule the one as we are really limited in field space and not every team can play that much. He said he would at least try and thanked me and said he just loved it and had so much fun. I looked on his game sheet and found out that his team actually ended up losing. He had that much fun and wanted to come out and play again, and they lost. Not by a little either. 
So I guess I'm doing somethings right. We are doing it right, it's just taking a while. (Patience is also a fault as I have very little patience. I'm working on it)

We try. No really, we are trying really freaking hard.

But it's hard to prove you're doing things right in a tangible way. Our numbers are technically down compared to last year, and every other department seems to be up. (Comparison is also a fault. I'm working on it. See a theme here?) So in my one on one weekly meeting with my boss I was ready to try and explain why we weren't where we should be and that things just take time.
Nope, instead I got a big good job, and atta girl and I was dumbfounded. How could he possibly think things were ok?? I didn't think they were. And because he's the boss, and not me, he proceeded to tell me to relax and learn to take a compliment. He said that if everything was based off of numbers, no one in higher education would have a job. Including him. Things come in waves and if we can make the program foundations better, than they will come. The students will see it and talk about it and they will come out and play. He told me to stop comparing and he reminded me that I'm not a GA anymore. I got the prize. I have a position, a career, not just a job and they hired me and are very happy with how well things have gone. I don't have to try to please as hard as before (he was careful to add that I was not simply stop working hard but that I needed to learn to give myself a pat on the back.)

Thanks, bossman. Thanks.

Like. Whoa.

He's right, though and I'm working on learning how to act/work/be a wage earner and not a student. To be a 'professional'. But it's so hard to let all that go. It'll happen but for now, I'm still just a 23 year old girl with lots of insecurities pretending to make it as a woman with a career. Like. Whoa.

By the way I'm in  my last month as a 23 year old. Thank goodness. 24 just sounds so much more mature and like they know what they want. A 24 year old Assistant Director. Yeah. That sounds much better.

Yeah. Right....

To be continued!

No New Friends

Hi Y’all!

So I’m back up in the air headed due north after a wonderful trip with my favorite newly wed. Kaylee’s husband (still weird to say!) is in Texas working on finishing up a different residency program to become a doctor but he’ll be back in a couple weeks. But it was kinda nice to have Kaylee all to myself while she showed me her new home in Lexington, Kentucky. She starts her job working in therapeutic recreation for a facility that caters to head trauma victims soon, and we spent the weekend checking out peddler malls, wineries, thrift shops, trying on derby hats, binge watching 30 Rock, and drinking lots of coffee. 

Except nobody stopped us and it was awesome

My heart is so full, that I don’t think I can be sad to leave. I am sad that it was so short but I think I needed this trip to help me realize that maybe I don’t need any new friends. The ones I have are the real deal. I was not only reminded of that when I was with Kaylee but leading up to my visit as well. 

I was having another rough night so I called my oldest friend. She and I go way way back to our teenage days of naivety, and we’ve grown up together, in my longest and most cherished friendship built on phone calls and video chat. We’ve visited each other numerous times but for the most part, it’s a all long distance all the time. I called her crying again. After explaining that I was missing people that I shouldn’t be missing and crying over a broken heart she sighed heavily and said “I hate seeing you like this and I just want you to be happy. But this has to stop. I just want to shake you! You aren’t completely innocent in this case and I know you want to go back but that’s not rational. It was what it was and it wasn’t what it wasn’t. It was a moment of your life that is over now. Quit living in the past.”

OUCH.

I think had it been anyone else I would have been super upset and just would have hung up. But she is right, and I have to give this new life a chance. I also need to stop trying to replace people or experiences that I did have. It’s all new and I’m not going to be happy trying to replicate the past. 

It was a wake up call that I needed. And visiting Kaylee, I was worried that we would try to do things that we used to do to try and make it the friendship that it used to be and it would feel forced. But then I realized that we just wanted to enjoy each other’s company and talk about not having to worry about the future in the terms of jobs or graduation. Now our biggest concern is paying off our credit card debt we racked up while in-between grad school and jobs and what color she wants to paint her living room. And it’s so refreshing to see each other with things figured out. Well kinda figured out. We laughed about the old times but we talked more about the present and the future. We didn’t try to relive the past because we didn’t have to. So yes, our friendship is different now, but it’s still a good one. 

I realized this as we were looking at Labor Day sales in the mall and we found two friendship necklaces. It may be childish but I got them for us because I’’m looking forward to being friends for a lot longer, and I’m ok with it changing too. (And they’re not the cheesy half-hear necklaces that say ‘best’ on one and ‘friend' on the other) Going to wineries and eating cookies and ice cream at 1am with my friend was just what I needed. And now I’m headed back and I feel ok. Refreshed.

We like wine that tastes like grape juice (and this one was really good juice)

Not pictured,  a "Do Not Touch The Grapes" sign

Lexington Street Art

If ever in Kentucky, go here.

Hard to tell, but she's mimicking the statue. We had some fun in that old church.

Too much fun. (those hats were upwards of $200...so we had to hide from the staff out of fear they would charge us for taking photos)

So I’m going to stop worrying about the fact that I don’t have any new friends. And that my life in NY isn’t the life I have ever had before. (What a concept) That will hopefully come and for now, maybe no new friends is what I need. Time to focus on my job and myself. Giving my new life a chance to unfold and my old, true friends will suffice with the group texts, snap chats and phone calls. Life happens and it won’t be daily but that’s ok. I now know who I can spend my miles on and who would go out on a limb for me. And the number isn’t very high and they aren’t very near but that’s ok because whenever we do come together, we’ll appreciate it all the more. 

#loveyoumeanit

To Be Continued!

Work Hard, Play Hard

Hello from 35,000 feet in the air! 

I’m currently somewhere above Philedelphia headed to Kentucky to spend Labor Day Weekend with Kaylee!

Cali and Kentucky reunited!! I am so happy that I just went for it and bought the tickets on a complete and total whim. When you spend two whole years seeing someone close to every single day at work, hanging out, and someone you have cried and laughed with through the ups and downs of spending every Sunday watching The Walking Dead and cooking dinner and dessert with someone it takes a toll on you when they aren’t in your life as much.

My heart can’t take all this change at once so I’m headed back to the South to be with her. We were thrown together as GAs when we came onto SIU’s campus 2 years ago, and shared a one person tent on our Team Bonding camping trip. We ended up getting eaten alive from mosquitos and slept on a hill with our heads facing downhill like idiots but we came out as pretty great friends.

So a couple of updates on my life- work is in full swing and I’m way busy. If I thought I was busy as a GA, I was sadly mistaken. I work, technically, from 8-4 in my cubicle office. But I really work at 6:30am when my alarm goes off until my eyes close around 11pmish. I might not be in my office but you’ll find me at the fields, taking calls in the middle of my yoga class (forgot to use do not disturb mode) and always always answering emails. 

Yes, I know that’s a really good way to get burnt out fast. Yes, Mom, I can hear you when you say you need to lessen your stress levels. But I got to work hard to make the right connections with the grounds crew so that my clubs have fields ready for their games. I got to introduce myself to the people who work in the student association offices so that I can promote my programs across campus. I’m meeting with the school newspaper, I’m going to meetings with people and departments that don’t make sense but it does, it all matters. I need to say “Yes” to any volunteer opportunity on campus, to every favor asked, to every “Can you do this?”. Yes. That’s the only way this program is going to be successful, if the face of it all is a friendly one, one that works hard and with little recognition because they don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know that my goals are so vast and that I do know what they don’t know. I know that the club program is so far from it’s potential but Rome wasn’t built in a day. And IM’s aren’t even hitting the tip of the iceberg when it comes to potential. And we won’t even get started on student staff. Developing is a word in the present tense and we are developing departmentally at a fast fast pace. We have a long road to travel but it’s the right direction. And if that means I’m answering emails in bed at 6:33am so be it. I’ll sleep when the ship can be steered without me, but right now I’m steering the ship, building the ship and still navigating the ship all at the same time. I’m slowly gaining the trust of my crew but I bet you my last dollar that this time next year I’ll be in a good spot. Give me 5 years and whew, I’ll show you a completely transformed IM’s and Club Sport program, one that might even rival the big names out there. 

And to all those people, and jobs that said no, I want to personally say thank you for making me stronger and learning to take no for an answer, but you were wrong. I don’t regret choosing Albany, and I don’t think I should be somewhere else. But I was going to say yes to whoever was willing to give me a shot and work my absolute hardest in return. And Albany will be the better for it.

Today I spent the majority of my day with my GA and some supervisors lining fields for a University Police Department charity softball tournament. And then we replaced the 10 year old soccer nets for our clubs but realized the clips didn’t fit but we have games this weekend. So instead of putting the old one back we used zip ties and it took 2 hours but we got it done. We cleaned out some sheds for storage and I got my students set up to work at a promo opportunity for all the orgs on campus but I want them to be pushing for IM sign ups. I can push it but students get excited and more likely to join something when other students are excited. And I met with 3 clubs and two student employees for meetings. I ate my lunch while in my one-on-one meeting with my Associate Director, but I’m just glad I had that meeting so I could take a second to eat my pb&j sandwhich. After all that I ran home and changed before heading to the airport to catch a flight out of here. And I checked my email and answered more emails from the gate. Oh and we have an audit on Tuesday so I have all my purchases lined up and set to go as soon as I touch back down in NY. 

It’s ok, you can call me Super Woman, I sometimes do.

I’m so busy I hardly have time to think about anything else. But things aren’t a dead sprint at all hours and I do find myself yearning to go back to the ways of the old. My brain still hangs onto the past and makes me cry when I hear certain songs on the radio or I’ll be passing a pizza place with a similar name to the place friends and I went to at SIU and I lose it. I like to think I have thick skin and I can take the hater tweets and someone complaining to the Student Body Government because I’m running this program into the ground (supposedly) but just mention my old roommates name and I’m a child again who wears her heart on her sleeve. Throw shade and hate towards me and I’ll stand up with a purpose and twice as much force as before, but I have my weaknesses. 

But I met another girl in yoga and I might ask her to lunch sometime soon, and I’m starting a health program again. I got complacent and I want to focus on getting me back. So I’m using Usana and I got a health coach. Call me crazy, but I’m investing in my own life and if she and I can get me a few more years to live than isn’t that worth it? My goal is to be as toned as all those fit girl instagram profiles. So that’ll be fun to tell you all about my ups and downs of being a “fit chick who lifts”. If you find that annoying, see ya. I just got my weekly plan and I can already tell that I’m going to be in for some real hard work. But I think that’s kind of a common theme in my life, and if I work hard in bettering my job, than I should be able to work hard on bettering myself. I’m not going to work out for 4 hours a day, or give up my job, but I can through in a lunch workout and actually turn my phone off for an hour to prep my meals uninterrupted. Who else to promote healthy living to students than someone who is currently living healthy? This way I’ll be held accountable too as I have readers who will want to see my results. So pressure is on!

Thanks for reading. I don’t thank you all enough but knowing someone reads this and brings a little laughter to your life, than I think it’s worth it. I do it for myself but if someone gains from it, that’s a pretty cool bonus.

To be continued!

Adios August

And just like that, August is OVER!

Can you believe it? Tomorrow is September, the start of fall and football and all things pumpkin spice will be here!

3 months ago I was jobless and graduating with my Master's Degree. 6 months ago I was in a "I'm in denial about the real world" crisis and I dyed my hair a deep shade of red. 1 year ago I was getting to know and love my Southern Illinois comrades and only half way through my Salukiville adventure.

Sometimes it feels like a week is a century and other times it's like a whole year went by in a day.

I think I've said this only about a bajillion times in my blog, but TIME CAN JUST SLOW THE FREAK DOWN. Ok. Cool. Thanks.

My week has been epically crazy and busy and full of ups and downs and lots of hours spent feeling like I am chained to my desk and my phone and the next moment I'm running around throwing frisbees at thousands of students telling them to sign up for IM Sports and to try out our group exercise classes.

The first week of school was nuts as we had trainings for staff, welcome week festivities, convocation, a sport club retreat and way way more.

The girls in the officer were all on edge. It was not the funnest of atmospheres.

So I'll give a brief overview of everything in a real quick snapshot.

Convocation with 2,500ish freshman
Meeting the President of the University
Student Staff Training and meeting all the new students (new and old but all new to me)
IM/Club Sport Supervisor Training
Club Sport Retreat - Info session on all things Club Sport-y
Great Danetopia - huge event for Freshman and transfers with bounce houses, frisbee handouts, cornhole, live music, free food, torrential down pour in the middle of it all, but we played in the rain, and so much yelling I was hoarse for two days. It was super fun but it took an army of people and we were all exhausted after we we were finished and I really hope we don't do something like that any time soon.

Self explanatory.

Getting a hater tweet. Someone on twitter called me out by name and told the president and all of UAlbany that I was ruining club sports with my new rules.
Huge ego blow.
Getting a high-five from my boss for getting a hater tweet. Exact words were "If you aren't making anyone mad, you're not doing your job."
Faith in my abilities and ego restored.
First day of classes and I spent the ENTIRE day at my desk and only left for to go to the bathroom but I felt the need to apologize for leaving my post.
Second day of classes and I moved around a little more. Still didn't hit my step goal on fitbit.
Third day of classes and every club president and their mother came into my office hours to talk. It was like a parade.
Went to Rugby practice (Every job from UC Davis, SIU and UAlbany, I always always work with Rugby first.) and introduced myself to the coaches and the guys. The next day they turned in their paper work. Boom. Kill them with kindness and a little attention, and they'll work for you, not against you. Take that TwitterHater.

Tweet that, punk.

Spent Saturday at yoga (desperately needed as my stress just tripled) and then training new baby supervisors. They're all so young, and not experienced at all as we had 2 returning supervisors from last year. But they are all pretty excited and like what we're doing. Which is awesome. Really freaking awesome.

I do have one good story to share. At this training we walked around to all of our fields and talked about how and how not to supervise our programs. In between one location and the next a couple of the new sups asked me why Albany. So I gave them the short version. But one girl, who might become my little mentee, as she was my first hire officially as an Assistant Director, but she's only a freshman but came from a good recommendation. She heard my story and said "Wow, that's really cool of you. Just to get up and go for a job, that's really impressive. And awesome."

But really though...

And it was the best compliment I've gotten since I got offered the job. People say congrats, or that you're crazy to go that far away but good job, etc. And people are impressed that I decided to move again farther away from home. But this one came from a young girl who is on her own scary new adventure, her college career. On her own for the first time and in a new place with a ton of new people (literally a ton and then some). And she thought what I did was impressive and cool. She didn't think I was crazy or ask why, she just understood that it was what I needed to do, what we needed to do, and that it is impressive for the both of us.

Thanks, I needed that. I think she's going to go places, maybe within the Rec Field, maybe not, but she will succeed in whatever she does. All my supervisors have potential and I'm so excited to be that leader for them. Like so so soooo excited. In the end, I probably would do any job that had me working with students. They can drive you crazy but then you get one good talk or see someone taking your criticism and actually applying it or going above and beyond and it's all worth it. That is living the dream, my dream.

Now I'm going to eat my chinese take out and try to not look at my email until 6am tomorrow morning from my bed with my cup of coffee before I head to the office at 7.

I said try, I didn't say I would succeed.

To be continued!

P.S. Check out this awesome video of all the things we did before the start of school. And to see what my new school looks like.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axCBj9DGg7g