Well… I kinda had a mini major melt down. It was at the beginning of last week and it was a mixture of things; I got really home sick, I didn't do that well on my finance test nor my case write up and work literally felt like I was the only one doing anything or cared and it wasn't going as planned and that everyone thought I wasn't capable. And other things with silly drama (seriously high school antics never end and it's super annoying) and etc. baloney things that really don't matter in the long run but they matter right now to me.
My independence is my number one priority in life, to not be able to do something or to be seen as incapable is the worst feeling in my mind. I abhor it when someone says that I can't or maybe doesn't say that verbatim but it's implied I can't handle it. It's the biggest slap in the face. But I was struggling. And I know I can't always do everything on my own. And that I need to ask questions. And I am getting better. But it's a work in progress. And I care a lot for my job. Too much that it never leaves me. I bring work home, to class, I'm constantly thinking about it. And when other people don't care as much I take it as a personal attack. Yes, that is wrong. I know this now. Like I said, I'm working on it. I'm 22. I'm far from perfect and I'll have a lot of time to hone my skills and emotions since I'll be working for at least another 50 years. I hope.
But it was a really rough last couple of days/weeks. And I was supposed to go to a basketball tournament but instead I did what Marissa would normally never ever do, I did something that was in the best interest for Marissa. I called and apologized but explained I couldn't make it and then called my cousin, and asked if I could come visit.
And I took a holiday.
It was perfect. No it wasn't on the beach. I didn't have room service or massages or tanned or any of that.
Nope, I was thrust into a stereotypical American family's life and revolved around all the activities of the children from dance, school choir, homework and a Valentine's party for an all girl middle school, 150 super hyper 9-14year old girls eating candy and making paper hearts and doing cake walks and an obstacle course (ran by yours truly) to an indoor track meet at Ohio State (it was for high schoolers), basketball games, going to the movies, singing off key to Katy Perry and other top 40 hits, getting excited because the cute boy liked so-n-so's instagram picture and gossiping about who kissed who at ski club.
Whoa. Kids these days…
They are def not on drugs. But sometimes you wonder why those Trix are JUST for kids…ya know what I'm saying? Coo-coo for cocoa puffs? More than a theory think about it.
But it was so much fun and I didn't look at my email once. I turned just about everything off and tried to just be me again. I think it worked.
I got to meet some other family as well. The cousin's I stayed at, also have more extended family, a brother and his family so yay more family time! I went over and had dinner with them. The kids are 5 and 8 so just stinking cute and much more tolerable than toddlers. The youngest, who is 5 showed me the whole house and her room which included her own personal doctor's office. It had a desk, a planner, and medical books. The 5 year old had a book on anatomy, (kid you not, with pictures and everything) and medicine and other things on the human body. She had cotton swabs, band aids a full on first aid kit right there at her 'office'. I asked if she wanted to be a doctor and she looked at me like I was the most oblivious person in the world.
"Actually, I want to be a pharmacist."
Excuse me I won't make that mistake again.
Dream big, kid. Dream big.
The 5 year old has more of a plan than I do! Talk about motivated! I was thoroughly impressed. And a little disappointed with my own life. I'm pretty sure my biggest issue at 5 was if I got to wear my overalls or my favorite pink shirt (90's kid probs) I then was introduced to the big brother. The older brother is very much into birds and he asked me what my favorite bird was. "I think the robin."
"Oh ok, you must mean the American Robin. My favorite is the Ivory Double Crested Woodpecker."
Oh. Yeah. Right, that's one of my favorites too.
He also likes legos, sharks (he knows the real names for those too) and tornados. Like every 8 year old. Duh, Marissa.
WHAT
My cousins are seriously super smart. And they've only been alive for about 1/4 as long as I have. Think about that…they were born in the 2000's. I remember all of the 2000's. My closest cousin was born in 99. That doesn't even count as a 90's baby really. God I'm getting old. And apparently I got the bad side of the genes, sheesh.
But it was a blissful weekend and I was sad to go. Dang school and work, ruining my fun screaming the lyrics to Pharrell's song Happy and Bruno Mars Treasure and finding out who likes who and how so-n-so got asked to the dance…life was so much easier back then but we thought it was such a big deal.
Funny how that works, in the moment it's paramount, it's do-or-die, it's not NBD, it is most certainly a BIG FLIPPING DEAL.
And then we grow up and look back and laugh. Or shake our head out of embarrassment. I hope one day I look back on this moment right now and think, 'Wow. I was such a silly, young girl. What was I worried about??'
One day.
I had just gotten back to Illinois and like clock work I got a text from my boss, "You back yet?"
He's got a sixth sense. It's seriously freaky.
"Almost, just hit the state line. I'm coming home."
And now to make sure that I don't take everything so do-or-die and to get to that point of growing up and start to better myself so that I can get where I can look back and think "All that worrying for nothing. C'mon Marissa. You were fine and made it out alive."
To be continued!
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