Rissa Returns Part 1

Hi, hello, hola, ciao, how's it going, wassup??

Yeah, yeah, long time, no write, I know. You would think that since my life is very much wake up, go to work, work, go home, do something that resembles productivity (jury is still out), go to bed and do it all over again, I would have time to blog. I do but I don't. Days crawl by and other days go by so fast I wake up on Monday and by the time I get home it's Friday and I don't know what happened. 

Guess what though? In about 15 days I will have finished my first semester at UAlbany as an Assistant Director! CRAZY

Like whoa, no way, how the heck is that even possible? In a week, I will have officially been a New Yorker for 5 months. 5! I know, it's kinda insane.

In those 5 months I became a resident of New York, learned that I definitely picked up a midwestern accent and that the locals say "coffee" like "kwa-fee" and that I pronounce it incorrectly, that yoga and church are probably the only things keeping me from pulling my hair out from both work and lack of a social life, and that I'm going to pick up wine-drinking as a hobby. No really, I want to try all the wines and just become a total wine snob but in an "I'm an adult and classy" way. I even have real glasses and I bought a bottle of wine that was OVER $20 (it was $22 and on sale) but yeah it's going to be a thing. I also learned that people will totally take advantage of you and that even when you try to be nice they'll run you over (or write letters to the president, or make a claim on your car insurance when you should have just gone to the body shop on your own) and I've also learned that I, contrary to popular belief that I held for a very, very, long time, that I cannot make friends with everyone AND many people will not want to be my friend (shocking, I know). I fired staff, I hired more, we ran events, we canceled them, and I compared myself to every single boss I have had, every other recreation professional I knew and I come up short every time. But my new boss man says things are looking up and has commended me. And I was dumb enough to sit there and ask if he was sure. LOL. I asked my boss who was giving me praise if he was sure he wanted to give me an Atta Girl. Blame it on the blonde hair.  I'm terrible at accepting praise. I should say thank you and let it build me up but instead I'm all awkward and like "Oh gee, thanks, but what criteria are you basing that off of? Do you have data to back up that statement? How actually do you know for certain that I am doing well?" I can literally hear my aunt scream at her computer screen "For goodness' sake, Marissa, SHUT UP!"

So yeah. It's been a fun 4 months and 22 days. Not that I'm counting or anything.

Anyway, that's the not-so-brief update on my life. 

What I really wanted to blog about was my Thanksgiving vacation. I took the whole week (eek, a whole week from work?!?) and it was pretty freaking awesome. I spent the first half of the week visiting Salukiville before I headed to Dallas to spend it with my aunt and uncle (dad's side) with their family and extended families. 

But first my terrible, almost didn't make my connecting flight trip, to St. Louis...ugh. United strikes again, with a 2 hour delay that had me waiting for my carry-on luggage (they ran out of overhead space so had to go underneath but 'missed' it when they brought them all out...) and I was sprinting, not jogging SPRINTING through the airport in Newark as I heard "Marissa Allen to gate A24, the plane is about to depart." and I'm just about to cry when I see A freaking 24. Hallelujah. 

Run onto the plane and then we proceeded to sit on the runway for another hour. Gee that would have really sucked to not make it and just see it sitting there on the runway not going anywhere. 

But I made it and my friend Sophie was waiting for me in St. Louis to take me back to my beloved Salukiville. 

And while I want to tell you all about how I sat and chatted with so many friends and went out to my favorite bar (well more like the one I most frequented back in my glory days) and couldn't stay up past 1am (I'm a total grandma) and how I went to lunch with my coworkers and boss and it felt like I had never left, I can't. It's not the same and I definitely left. I'm not a GA anymore and a lot has changed. I'm totally going to blame the wine but I tear up thinking about it now. 

I saw my Associate Director and Director and it was so hard to not beg for a job. As much as I am happy to have a chance in New York, the familiarity of their faces, my old desk, and being around the other GA's make that trip down nostalgia lane downright unbearable. But as much as I invested my heart and soul into that place, I had to remember I was a tourist, a visitor. I was able to answer a few patron questions while there, it hasn't changed so so much but it was a weird feeling. Little things like signage and wall color make a big difference. And the not so little things like moving of offices, new faces that don't recognize me, and seeing my old friends with new friends was, well odd. I came back and my roommate got a girlfriend. I came back and one of the GA's moved his office downstairs and changed his title completely. Another student staff member got a promotion and I remembered her working underneath me and was really proud to see her succeed. And another good friend and I talked to the wee hours of the morning about our lives and even though she thinks it's in shambles, she's goign to go places. Even if it's in the back of her car as she camps out in the wilderness or hikes the pacific crest trail, but she's going to be just fine. But it was a lot to take in all together. And I wasn't even a little bit prepared.

I was feeling down and I guess I thought that seeing it changed would make me feel like I helped, that seeing them succeed without me was the ultimate goal. And I am proud and for as much bad they've been handed with budget cuts and hard times, they're still grinding away and making it work. It's not the same but in a lot of ways it's better. And that's great. I just wish I didn't feel like I had been gone a decade. So I took a walk on campus and retraced my old path to class. I'm such an emotional cutter- nostalgia, listening to the new Adele album (bad choice) and then I met up with a student who was there the first day I started working. J was the first student staff member I met, our boss Lane introduced us as we walked into the meeting with all the other student staff members to meet me and get started in the Fall of 2013. And it was such an awkward encounter because we were both new and not really sure of what was going on and Lane goes "Hey, J! Meet Marissa, the new GA, she's from California and J, well his brother and I are real close, and he's a new uncle! Isn't that right, J?" He went on but I was so embarrassed I stopped listening. I think J did too. 

We ended up being pretty good friends though as J and I got paired up together by the old GA, Bridget, (remember her? Blast from the past!) in Flag Football clinics and I leaned over to J and told him that I kinda fibbed and actually didn't know that much about how to be a field judge because we only ran 3-man crews for officials at Davis, not 4-man. He laughed and goes well, guess I'm running the show, and we got by BS-ing our way through teaching the baby officials. And that's how we became friends and not just work acquaintences. 

So J is graduating in December and I got the chance to see him again and it was like nothing skipped a beat, just talking and shooting the breeze like old times I would go out to the fields with J and watch mediocre flag football or Lacorsse practice. As we walked back to the Rec we both realized that we didn't know when we would see eachother again. I wish that was the only time I cried. But it wasn't. I had dinner with my friends and we shared lots of laughs and teased a lot but it felt good to laugh and be around them again. So leaving was realy difficult.  I said bye to my old co-worker, PJ and definitely got his jacket wet with my tears. I said bye to my old boss and couldn't handle it. He tried to be all hard-ass on me, but I know he misses me too. I'm a cryer. Always have been but this time it was like the flood gates opened up. It's a little more real that I'm not there anymore. It's a lot more apparent that I live so incredibly far away. And it's blantantly clear that I am a grown up now and I can't keep trying to be a kid anymore. I had a good time but I can't recreate it, they moved on, so should I. My director did tell me that I always had a home there, and that he was proud of me. And yes, I do consider SIU a home, but Albany is my new home. 

And I'm getting there. It's only been 5 months since I have moved but I have made friends, and I am getting a routine. And my current boss, is pretty good. He's very understanding that I am painfully young and naive, and that it's going to take a bit to go from GA to professional. And by a bit, we mean like 100 to 200 mistakes and oops and yeah...that was probably dumb but hey, it's ok. And already he's given me a lot of confidence that he has my back and that we can succeed. I got pretty lucky to already have had 2 darn good bosses. But let's not jinx it. 

Anyway, my trip to Salukiville was pretty nice and it was the most social I had been in about 4 months. I saw and reminisced and the whole time I came back to Soph's from saying good bye to someone, she let me cry. Sophie let me be my crying self and then she would get really real with me and we even had a heart to heart about how I finally had to move on from that one dumbdumb who I was still pining for. Ugh. The dating world is so lame. Nothing liike moving away from someone who apparently wasn't "just trying to be single" as I saw him with the new gf. Ouch. Guess "being single" meant "not with you". Classic. Wellllll I'm just about on a first name basis with the cashier at the wine store (they don't sell wine in grocery stores here, worst idea ever) so I think if I'm invited to a holiday party I'll just ask him. So yeah. There's that. Hope his wiffe's ok with it. (I'm totally joking, Mom.) 

Then we packed up and headed north to Chicago to catch a flight and for Soph to spend Thanksgiving with her loved ones. We got stuck in typical Chicago traffic madness and I owe her more than just a christmas card for her putting up with me (love you mean it, Soph!) but it was so good to road trip with her again. Long talks and yes, more tears, but lots of laughs too. 

I spent a quick 20 hours with my oldest friend, Madge, in her home in Chicago before she took me to the airport the next day. We have always had a long distance relationship, so it was nice to see her even if just for a quick stay. We went to dinner with her parents and we watched tv and again I was reminded that with the true friends, it's easy, and it's like there is no span of time or space between that can make it awkward. We fall right back into place. So to my Illinois Family, thank you for a great trip back. Please know how much you all, and I mean you all, truly mean to me.

My next blog will be about my trip to Dallas for An Allen/Marois/Porter Family Thanksgiving, aka the one dozen people, 6 dogs and a baby in one house for Thanksgiving sleeping arrangement nightmare of 2015. Not joking or exaggerating. not even a little bit.

Til then, I'm just going to drink my wine and totally avoid my email.

To be continued!

2 Month Update

Hi hi!

Can you believe it?? I've been in New York for 2 months now! Technically 10 weeks. 10 WHOLE WEEKS!

So yesterday was the observed Jewish holiday (I'm probably getting this wrong, don't mean to offend anyone) of Yom Kippur, and now that I'm in New York, that means the University is closed in observance. Which means no IM sports. Which means I have the night off WHAT WHAT!! We've actually had a few holidays due to the Jewish religion which is fine by me, I don't observe but I thank those of you that do because now I can do laundry and clean uninterrupted after work. And after work means right at 5pm, OH YEAH! We still had to work but like I said, I'm cool with that.

It's the little things like laundry and having a clean kitchen that really make you appreciate your mother. How she managed to keep it somewhat clean with 3 kids, I have no idea as I'm one person and I found my glasses underneath my couch and I'm pretty sure I had workout clothes sitting on my kitchen table for at least 2 days. (I don't eat at my table, that makes way too much sense, I use it for storage, duh)

So this place is going to look sparkly clean in about 2 hours and I couldn't be more excited to clean!

It's my apartment and I'll do with it as I please, thank you very much.

It has been the longest 2 weeks of my new life life. We started 3 out of our 18 sports this semester and it's been CRAZY. Just 3. JUST 3! Crazy and chaos all rolled into one, I call it Cray-os for short. From schedule mishaps, to everyone and their moms up in arms over my new rules (that are national standards but good lord you thought I had told them that their student loans didn't go through when I brought the "no slide tackling" rule to soccer) and clubs behind on payments, (Oh sorry, Marissa, we need this paid today but we still haven't turned in the paperwork for it) I feel like a complete and total FAILURE.

To the highest degree. Or Lowest...whatever.

I had to suspend a player for getting ejected from a soccer game. It was my first one on one sit down with a student who decided to yell obscenities at my official and then proceeded to punt the soccer ball out of the field because an official called a goal when he thought he had saved it. His team was up by 5 too. And he's a senior. Maturity is hard, I know. I was super nervous but held my ground even when he tried to stare me down. I stared back, told him it was a one game suspension and that if it happened again, or any other forms of disrespect/rule breaking that further suspension would be put into place. He literally stomped out of the office but I made my point, and my boss high-fived me. I know it's only the first one and probably the easiest but man, I hate that part of my job. It's not the olympics but there's nothing like competition to bring out the best and the absolute WORST in people. Geez.

And then I had a kid go on a rant to me in an email and I had to get my boss involved. Ugh. I hate that. I get students have needs and sometimes they just need to vent and feel heard but I hate that I have to get my bosses involved. I just know that I couldn't and shouldn't try to handle this on my own so I had to go asking for help. I hate hate hate asking for help when I feel like I should be able to do it on my own. And not just with my boss I absolutely abhor asking for help, period. (It's a fault, I'm working on it)

Pretty much what I say quietly, and not so quietly to myself. Every. Gosh Darn. Day.

My boss also picked up on my stress levels and told me I wasn't allowed to come into work on Friday. I laughed and thought he was joking but then he very seriously said that he would ask our secretary and that if she saw me come in (her desk is right by the only door) that there would be consequences. Um. Ok.
But I didn't really enjoy my day off because I kept thinking about all the things that needed to get done and still answered emails from home. It was more of a punishment. I ended up going on campus for official's trainings but ok'ed it by him first. Idk what the consequences would be but I wasn't going to test him. Too early in my career to outright disobey the boss. But I got some more sleep and napped which was really really needed. So maybe he had a point.

But then I got some wins in too.
Our new supervisors are doing great. They work really hard and most that I have talked to really like their jobs. They love having a uniform and feeling apart of something special. Which is why I was excited to be a Supervisor at Davis, so the fact that I know can give that to student staff is so awesome.
And then someone told my boss how well the games were officiated and that they really like how serious we are about the sportsmanship of teams (teams have to get a certain score in order to make playoffs. It's our way of saying "Play nice, or else.") and then some of the clubs literally told me that I was, and I'm quoting verbatim here "the best" and "super helpful" and I have the emails to prove it (daww thanks, guys!).
And one of the teams came up to me after their game and asked if they could play multiple nights a week. I told them, no, sorry, we can only schedule the one as we are really limited in field space and not every team can play that much. He said he would at least try and thanked me and said he just loved it and had so much fun. I looked on his game sheet and found out that his team actually ended up losing. He had that much fun and wanted to come out and play again, and they lost. Not by a little either. 
So I guess I'm doing somethings right. We are doing it right, it's just taking a while. (Patience is also a fault as I have very little patience. I'm working on it)

We try. No really, we are trying really freaking hard.

But it's hard to prove you're doing things right in a tangible way. Our numbers are technically down compared to last year, and every other department seems to be up. (Comparison is also a fault. I'm working on it. See a theme here?) So in my one on one weekly meeting with my boss I was ready to try and explain why we weren't where we should be and that things just take time.
Nope, instead I got a big good job, and atta girl and I was dumbfounded. How could he possibly think things were ok?? I didn't think they were. And because he's the boss, and not me, he proceeded to tell me to relax and learn to take a compliment. He said that if everything was based off of numbers, no one in higher education would have a job. Including him. Things come in waves and if we can make the program foundations better, than they will come. The students will see it and talk about it and they will come out and play. He told me to stop comparing and he reminded me that I'm not a GA anymore. I got the prize. I have a position, a career, not just a job and they hired me and are very happy with how well things have gone. I don't have to try to please as hard as before (he was careful to add that I was not simply stop working hard but that I needed to learn to give myself a pat on the back.)

Thanks, bossman. Thanks.

Like. Whoa.

He's right, though and I'm working on learning how to act/work/be a wage earner and not a student. To be a 'professional'. But it's so hard to let all that go. It'll happen but for now, I'm still just a 23 year old girl with lots of insecurities pretending to make it as a woman with a career. Like. Whoa.

By the way I'm in  my last month as a 23 year old. Thank goodness. 24 just sounds so much more mature and like they know what they want. A 24 year old Assistant Director. Yeah. That sounds much better.

Yeah. Right....

To be continued!

No New Friends

Hi Y’all!

So I’m back up in the air headed due north after a wonderful trip with my favorite newly wed. Kaylee’s husband (still weird to say!) is in Texas working on finishing up a different residency program to become a doctor but he’ll be back in a couple weeks. But it was kinda nice to have Kaylee all to myself while she showed me her new home in Lexington, Kentucky. She starts her job working in therapeutic recreation for a facility that caters to head trauma victims soon, and we spent the weekend checking out peddler malls, wineries, thrift shops, trying on derby hats, binge watching 30 Rock, and drinking lots of coffee. 

Except nobody stopped us and it was awesome

My heart is so full, that I don’t think I can be sad to leave. I am sad that it was so short but I think I needed this trip to help me realize that maybe I don’t need any new friends. The ones I have are the real deal. I was not only reminded of that when I was with Kaylee but leading up to my visit as well. 

I was having another rough night so I called my oldest friend. She and I go way way back to our teenage days of naivety, and we’ve grown up together, in my longest and most cherished friendship built on phone calls and video chat. We’ve visited each other numerous times but for the most part, it’s a all long distance all the time. I called her crying again. After explaining that I was missing people that I shouldn’t be missing and crying over a broken heart she sighed heavily and said “I hate seeing you like this and I just want you to be happy. But this has to stop. I just want to shake you! You aren’t completely innocent in this case and I know you want to go back but that’s not rational. It was what it was and it wasn’t what it wasn’t. It was a moment of your life that is over now. Quit living in the past.”

OUCH.

I think had it been anyone else I would have been super upset and just would have hung up. But she is right, and I have to give this new life a chance. I also need to stop trying to replace people or experiences that I did have. It’s all new and I’m not going to be happy trying to replicate the past. 

It was a wake up call that I needed. And visiting Kaylee, I was worried that we would try to do things that we used to do to try and make it the friendship that it used to be and it would feel forced. But then I realized that we just wanted to enjoy each other’s company and talk about not having to worry about the future in the terms of jobs or graduation. Now our biggest concern is paying off our credit card debt we racked up while in-between grad school and jobs and what color she wants to paint her living room. And it’s so refreshing to see each other with things figured out. Well kinda figured out. We laughed about the old times but we talked more about the present and the future. We didn’t try to relive the past because we didn’t have to. So yes, our friendship is different now, but it’s still a good one. 

I realized this as we were looking at Labor Day sales in the mall and we found two friendship necklaces. It may be childish but I got them for us because I’’m looking forward to being friends for a lot longer, and I’m ok with it changing too. (And they’re not the cheesy half-hear necklaces that say ‘best’ on one and ‘friend' on the other) Going to wineries and eating cookies and ice cream at 1am with my friend was just what I needed. And now I’m headed back and I feel ok. Refreshed.

We like wine that tastes like grape juice (and this one was really good juice)

Not pictured,  a "Do Not Touch The Grapes" sign

Lexington Street Art

If ever in Kentucky, go here.

Hard to tell, but she's mimicking the statue. We had some fun in that old church.

Too much fun. (those hats were upwards of $200...so we had to hide from the staff out of fear they would charge us for taking photos)

So I’m going to stop worrying about the fact that I don’t have any new friends. And that my life in NY isn’t the life I have ever had before. (What a concept) That will hopefully come and for now, maybe no new friends is what I need. Time to focus on my job and myself. Giving my new life a chance to unfold and my old, true friends will suffice with the group texts, snap chats and phone calls. Life happens and it won’t be daily but that’s ok. I now know who I can spend my miles on and who would go out on a limb for me. And the number isn’t very high and they aren’t very near but that’s ok because whenever we do come together, we’ll appreciate it all the more. 

#loveyoumeanit

To Be Continued!

Work Hard, Play Hard

Hello from 35,000 feet in the air! 

I’m currently somewhere above Philedelphia headed to Kentucky to spend Labor Day Weekend with Kaylee!

Cali and Kentucky reunited!! I am so happy that I just went for it and bought the tickets on a complete and total whim. When you spend two whole years seeing someone close to every single day at work, hanging out, and someone you have cried and laughed with through the ups and downs of spending every Sunday watching The Walking Dead and cooking dinner and dessert with someone it takes a toll on you when they aren’t in your life as much.

My heart can’t take all this change at once so I’m headed back to the South to be with her. We were thrown together as GAs when we came onto SIU’s campus 2 years ago, and shared a one person tent on our Team Bonding camping trip. We ended up getting eaten alive from mosquitos and slept on a hill with our heads facing downhill like idiots but we came out as pretty great friends.

So a couple of updates on my life- work is in full swing and I’m way busy. If I thought I was busy as a GA, I was sadly mistaken. I work, technically, from 8-4 in my cubicle office. But I really work at 6:30am when my alarm goes off until my eyes close around 11pmish. I might not be in my office but you’ll find me at the fields, taking calls in the middle of my yoga class (forgot to use do not disturb mode) and always always answering emails. 

Yes, I know that’s a really good way to get burnt out fast. Yes, Mom, I can hear you when you say you need to lessen your stress levels. But I got to work hard to make the right connections with the grounds crew so that my clubs have fields ready for their games. I got to introduce myself to the people who work in the student association offices so that I can promote my programs across campus. I’m meeting with the school newspaper, I’m going to meetings with people and departments that don’t make sense but it does, it all matters. I need to say “Yes” to any volunteer opportunity on campus, to every favor asked, to every “Can you do this?”. Yes. That’s the only way this program is going to be successful, if the face of it all is a friendly one, one that works hard and with little recognition because they don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know that my goals are so vast and that I do know what they don’t know. I know that the club program is so far from it’s potential but Rome wasn’t built in a day. And IM’s aren’t even hitting the tip of the iceberg when it comes to potential. And we won’t even get started on student staff. Developing is a word in the present tense and we are developing departmentally at a fast fast pace. We have a long road to travel but it’s the right direction. And if that means I’m answering emails in bed at 6:33am so be it. I’ll sleep when the ship can be steered without me, but right now I’m steering the ship, building the ship and still navigating the ship all at the same time. I’m slowly gaining the trust of my crew but I bet you my last dollar that this time next year I’ll be in a good spot. Give me 5 years and whew, I’ll show you a completely transformed IM’s and Club Sport program, one that might even rival the big names out there. 

And to all those people, and jobs that said no, I want to personally say thank you for making me stronger and learning to take no for an answer, but you were wrong. I don’t regret choosing Albany, and I don’t think I should be somewhere else. But I was going to say yes to whoever was willing to give me a shot and work my absolute hardest in return. And Albany will be the better for it.

Today I spent the majority of my day with my GA and some supervisors lining fields for a University Police Department charity softball tournament. And then we replaced the 10 year old soccer nets for our clubs but realized the clips didn’t fit but we have games this weekend. So instead of putting the old one back we used zip ties and it took 2 hours but we got it done. We cleaned out some sheds for storage and I got my students set up to work at a promo opportunity for all the orgs on campus but I want them to be pushing for IM sign ups. I can push it but students get excited and more likely to join something when other students are excited. And I met with 3 clubs and two student employees for meetings. I ate my lunch while in my one-on-one meeting with my Associate Director, but I’m just glad I had that meeting so I could take a second to eat my pb&j sandwhich. After all that I ran home and changed before heading to the airport to catch a flight out of here. And I checked my email and answered more emails from the gate. Oh and we have an audit on Tuesday so I have all my purchases lined up and set to go as soon as I touch back down in NY. 

It’s ok, you can call me Super Woman, I sometimes do.

I’m so busy I hardly have time to think about anything else. But things aren’t a dead sprint at all hours and I do find myself yearning to go back to the ways of the old. My brain still hangs onto the past and makes me cry when I hear certain songs on the radio or I’ll be passing a pizza place with a similar name to the place friends and I went to at SIU and I lose it. I like to think I have thick skin and I can take the hater tweets and someone complaining to the Student Body Government because I’m running this program into the ground (supposedly) but just mention my old roommates name and I’m a child again who wears her heart on her sleeve. Throw shade and hate towards me and I’ll stand up with a purpose and twice as much force as before, but I have my weaknesses. 

But I met another girl in yoga and I might ask her to lunch sometime soon, and I’m starting a health program again. I got complacent and I want to focus on getting me back. So I’m using Usana and I got a health coach. Call me crazy, but I’m investing in my own life and if she and I can get me a few more years to live than isn’t that worth it? My goal is to be as toned as all those fit girl instagram profiles. So that’ll be fun to tell you all about my ups and downs of being a “fit chick who lifts”. If you find that annoying, see ya. I just got my weekly plan and I can already tell that I’m going to be in for some real hard work. But I think that’s kind of a common theme in my life, and if I work hard in bettering my job, than I should be able to work hard on bettering myself. I’m not going to work out for 4 hours a day, or give up my job, but I can through in a lunch workout and actually turn my phone off for an hour to prep my meals uninterrupted. Who else to promote healthy living to students than someone who is currently living healthy? This way I’ll be held accountable too as I have readers who will want to see my results. So pressure is on!

Thanks for reading. I don’t thank you all enough but knowing someone reads this and brings a little laughter to your life, than I think it’s worth it. I do it for myself but if someone gains from it, that’s a pretty cool bonus.

To be continued!

Adios August

And just like that, August is OVER!

Can you believe it? Tomorrow is September, the start of fall and football and all things pumpkin spice will be here!

3 months ago I was jobless and graduating with my Master's Degree. 6 months ago I was in a "I'm in denial about the real world" crisis and I dyed my hair a deep shade of red. 1 year ago I was getting to know and love my Southern Illinois comrades and only half way through my Salukiville adventure.

Sometimes it feels like a week is a century and other times it's like a whole year went by in a day.

I think I've said this only about a bajillion times in my blog, but TIME CAN JUST SLOW THE FREAK DOWN. Ok. Cool. Thanks.

My week has been epically crazy and busy and full of ups and downs and lots of hours spent feeling like I am chained to my desk and my phone and the next moment I'm running around throwing frisbees at thousands of students telling them to sign up for IM Sports and to try out our group exercise classes.

The first week of school was nuts as we had trainings for staff, welcome week festivities, convocation, a sport club retreat and way way more.

The girls in the officer were all on edge. It was not the funnest of atmospheres.

So I'll give a brief overview of everything in a real quick snapshot.

Convocation with 2,500ish freshman
Meeting the President of the University
Student Staff Training and meeting all the new students (new and old but all new to me)
IM/Club Sport Supervisor Training
Club Sport Retreat - Info session on all things Club Sport-y
Great Danetopia - huge event for Freshman and transfers with bounce houses, frisbee handouts, cornhole, live music, free food, torrential down pour in the middle of it all, but we played in the rain, and so much yelling I was hoarse for two days. It was super fun but it took an army of people and we were all exhausted after we we were finished and I really hope we don't do something like that any time soon.

Self explanatory.

Getting a hater tweet. Someone on twitter called me out by name and told the president and all of UAlbany that I was ruining club sports with my new rules.
Huge ego blow.
Getting a high-five from my boss for getting a hater tweet. Exact words were "If you aren't making anyone mad, you're not doing your job."
Faith in my abilities and ego restored.
First day of classes and I spent the ENTIRE day at my desk and only left for to go to the bathroom but I felt the need to apologize for leaving my post.
Second day of classes and I moved around a little more. Still didn't hit my step goal on fitbit.
Third day of classes and every club president and their mother came into my office hours to talk. It was like a parade.
Went to Rugby practice (Every job from UC Davis, SIU and UAlbany, I always always work with Rugby first.) and introduced myself to the coaches and the guys. The next day they turned in their paper work. Boom. Kill them with kindness and a little attention, and they'll work for you, not against you. Take that TwitterHater.

Tweet that, punk.

Spent Saturday at yoga (desperately needed as my stress just tripled) and then training new baby supervisors. They're all so young, and not experienced at all as we had 2 returning supervisors from last year. But they are all pretty excited and like what we're doing. Which is awesome. Really freaking awesome.

I do have one good story to share. At this training we walked around to all of our fields and talked about how and how not to supervise our programs. In between one location and the next a couple of the new sups asked me why Albany. So I gave them the short version. But one girl, who might become my little mentee, as she was my first hire officially as an Assistant Director, but she's only a freshman but came from a good recommendation. She heard my story and said "Wow, that's really cool of you. Just to get up and go for a job, that's really impressive. And awesome."

But really though...

And it was the best compliment I've gotten since I got offered the job. People say congrats, or that you're crazy to go that far away but good job, etc. And people are impressed that I decided to move again farther away from home. But this one came from a young girl who is on her own scary new adventure, her college career. On her own for the first time and in a new place with a ton of new people (literally a ton and then some). And she thought what I did was impressive and cool. She didn't think I was crazy or ask why, she just understood that it was what I needed to do, what we needed to do, and that it is impressive for the both of us.

Thanks, I needed that. I think she's going to go places, maybe within the Rec Field, maybe not, but she will succeed in whatever she does. All my supervisors have potential and I'm so excited to be that leader for them. Like so so soooo excited. In the end, I probably would do any job that had me working with students. They can drive you crazy but then you get one good talk or see someone taking your criticism and actually applying it or going above and beyond and it's all worth it. That is living the dream, my dream.

Now I'm going to eat my chinese take out and try to not look at my email until 6am tomorrow morning from my bed with my cup of coffee before I head to the office at 7.

I said try, I didn't say I would succeed.

To be continued!

P.S. Check out this awesome video of all the things we did before the start of school. And to see what my new school looks like.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axCBj9DGg7g

The Dating Game

School is right around the corner which means, that our week of trainings, moving in, hustle and bustle is here. Let the chaos begin! My mantra of faking it till I make it is definitely at play but I'm also oddly calm about it. I know we have a TON of work to do but it all just has to be taken in stride. There's no possible way I can ever fully prepared enough but my team and I can get close. And for the first year, that's big.

In about a week from now I'm sure I'll have a very interesting blog post to explain the do's and don'ts of starting a school year as an employee and not a student but until then...I got other things to blog about.

First, I hope y'all love my new layout and name! It's a little homage to a favorite tv show from the 90's, Clarissa Explains It All, with Melissa Joan Hart. I loved Clarissa Darling and how sarcastic and witty she was and I have loved everything Melissa Joan Hart has done since (Sabrina the Teenage Witch anyone?) No she's not A-list but she's hilarious. So yeah, new name, new look, just tons of changes for me this year!

As I navigate my new life in New York, and from a suggestion from a friend or two, I started more-or-less online dating. Yeah, we'll go with that. Tinder/Match/eHarmony/Farmer's Only, whatever platform you think it is, it's not so don't go looking me up. Judgers can think what you want, it's something to do, meet more people, etc. And it's not often, and I don't go online every chance I get. But I have been on long enough that I have had a few conversations. One conversation was short and and he suggested we go to Saratoga, a near by town with a horse race track, for the day that very weekend. Umm. No thanks. And he had a little too much baggage. (previously engaged but broke it off 2 months ago...real quick rebound.) 

But I did feel ok enough to go get coffee with a guy. It's a public place, it's daylight, and it's just coffee. Really, it's JUST coffee.

Kinda how I felt. Really, it wasn't a date, meeting for coffee is not a date.

So we agree to meet at a cafe near the campus at a specific time. I'm not nervous, in fact I'm kinda like ugh, this is taking away from my time watching Dr. Who. But I go. And I'm punctual.

First Strike: He lets me know 5 seconds our AGREED upon time that he's going to be late by 20minutes as "he's just now leaving". Ok...meanwhile I have been there for 4 minutes already. Thank god the newspaper had a unfinished crossword.

Awkwardly meet and I find out he's very much from Canada as he has long o's and says 'aboot' 'eh' all that jazz. Ok, definitely not on his profile but it's cool, Canada was cool. And he's wearing a bight orange polo shirt and matching cargo shorts. He looks like the biggest Bronco fan but none of it is actually Bronco gear...Ok. We go to order and he says he's going to get some food. I'll stick to coffee but thanks for offering. 

Second Strike: He goes to order and then turns around embarrassed and says he's forgotten his wallet. Well. Umm. What's the protocol for paying for 'just coffee' ??? I offer to pay and thankfully he forgoes the food but then he orders a large mocha extra shot and something or other and I'm like...you get the most expensive specialty drink?? and a large? I DONT KNOW YOU DUDE! Get a small. 

Two strikes and we haven't even sat down yet. So glad I signed up for this.

We stand there waiting for our drink/look for a table and he's just not going to take the lead so I find the table and I go get the drinks when their ready. It's not like I paid OH WAIT I DID. It's fine. Sit back down, and start asking questions. I know about his job, as an engineer who is in the area because of a training course, his siblings, life in Canada and it's major differences than the states (school is cheaper and much better education than any school in the US. All schools in Canada are better than all US schools. Right, because Harvard and Yale aren't world class and I've never even heard of a single college in Canada but ok whatever. And people are just so much nicer in Canada, even though this US citizen paid for your large mocha and I don't even know your last name but yeah we're all giant a$$holes) and I think he knows that I work at the University at Albany and that I am from California but spent last 2 years in Illinois (all things on my profile). It was a predominantly one-sided conversation for sure but it wasn't terrible, I've had worse. It's not pulling teeth to get him to talk so that was a good thing.

We talk about snow (it's Canada, sorry, I had to ask one question about snow.) and skiing and he seems nice albeit socially awkward, but I keep looking at the clock. I just can't. No chemistry, not really interested in the slightest and I don't think he's over the moon about me either. Can't say I'll lose any sleep over it though.

And then the poor Orange goof struck out. Strike Three.

Now that is a perfectly analogy. I liked this guy about as much as I like going to the dentist. Ok, I'll go but I'm totally lying about how much I floss. Or in his case that I was helping the freshman move in (I could have but I missed that volunteer email. oops)

He could have overcome the other strikes had he been Prince Charming and we hit it off but not the case. Ce la vie. Take your large mocha and have a nice life in Canada, guy. See ya, hopefully not but you get what I'm saying. 

So I wasn't too upset (at all) and it's more of a funny story than anything else. And I can officially say I'm on the dating scene. Dating means failing at relationship-ing but I'm not too worried about it. Here's to having an excuse to dress up and try new places to eat and meet new people and probably too many hilariously awkward dates/first meetings to explain to you all.

I'm off to bed as we start our week of chaos tomorrow and I'm going to need some beauty rest. 

To be continued!

Oh Canada

Hello hello!

I have such good news from my last post. I made a friend! Yes! A new friend from Albany! I met her in a yoga class at the local YMCA and she's invited me to dinner and I'm going to go see her tomorrow because she works at UAlbany too! Look at that, you hit your lowest and BAM the universe sends something good. She's my mom's age BUT she's still really nice and very funny and I actually can relate to her. We probably won't be hitting up the bars or stay out past 9pm but I have someone to talk to and go to lunch with and go to yoga with. Counting it as a win in my book! She reminds me a lot of my second mom growing up in California. I call her my second mom because she has been in my life for well as long as I can remember. I don't know when exactly they became friends but we were young. My mom's friend who has stayed close throughout the years and would have play dates and we stayed the night when mom and dad left town and often have us kids over just because. One time when I was in the weird tween age where I was the oldest of many of the kids of all the mom's but then younger than most of the older siblings so I was stuck in the middle and had trouble relating sometimes. I was usually the odd man out as I'm naturally shy, but my second mom invited just me and my sister over to her house and while my sister played with her son who's the same age, she and I spent the day cooking and canning pears and talking and she made me feel like such an adult and like I belonged. And so when I'm with my new friend, Carrie, I have that same feeling of belonging.

And I started my own business! Well not really, but I am a new distributer of USANA products. And I have two clients! Ok, they are my parents BUT my mom is kicking butt on her pathway to living healthier and is down 6lbs in 5 days (atta girl mom!) and it's a win for me because healthy parents mean they are going to be around much longer. USANA is not your typical weight loss system, it's more of a for-always-and-forever-health system. I've kinda used them on and off for the past year, almost 2 and after jumping in with two feet instead of just kinda riding the fence, I lost 25lbs, am stronger, healthier and overall feeling better. I use the products, I am a success story and I'm still working on my goal and I not only believe in just the products but the message to help people be healthy. If it helped me, is continuing to do so, I want everyone to know and to help anyone else who is looking for some guidance. I like to help people and this product helps people tremendously! They taste good, the vitamins are what I totally contribute to keeping me healthy as I haven't had a cold or (a real cold not a stress induced one)been sick with a virus since January of 2014. Ummmm HELLO!! 2015 is almost over and I haven't had the common cold, not even once! Boom. Drop the mic.

So if you're interested, and want someone who gets it, has been there and wants to help you, you know who to call (that'd be me). (wink wink.)

Ok, back to my trip that has only taken me a month to tell..sheesh. Instead of class I guess I just procrastinate on blogging. Yikes.

It's Day 2 of our road trip to New York, and we are leaving Detroit to head all the way to Albany, about another 9 hours away but we decided to go through Canada because duh, it's CANADA. And to see Niagara Falls! So we go through customs and the Canadian border patrol was really intense...like I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice, right? Well, he grilled me and then after finally realizing that we just wanted to go see the falls he was nice and told us how to get there. Ok...weirdo.

Had to get the Canadian money. Long live the Queen.

And off we went into Canada!

So Canada was...well...really boring. Soph fell asleep even though she tried her hardest not too and after seeing a couple billboards warning driver's to focus I totally get why they were necessary...It was kinda like driving through Kansas or Indiana. BORING. It was way less than spectacular and I really don't have any desire to go back anytime soon.

But then we got to the falls.

Oh. My. Gosh. If you have been there than you know. But no picture can do it justice. It is simply amazing and so breath-taking and gorgeous. We spent about 4 hours just at the falls and we only went into 1 touristy shop and ate lunch. But we enjoyed the water fall, we went on a boat tour and got super soaked, walked up and down the Canadian side and realized how much cooler it is on that side versus the US side (sorry, I'm all about American Pride and all that jazz but Canada wins that one. Hand down.) and it was a great day. Instead of talking about it, I'll just show you. So cool. Just so cool.

The most exciting part of the drive to Canada. I wish I was joking.

The US side

Pre-Soak

Up close and wayyyyy personal

The Canadian side

Post-Soak

And then we realized we had spent way too much time and needed to head on back into the states, into NY and make the last leg of the trip to Albany, New York. At border control we got stopped by probably the hottest border patrol police man I have ever and will ever see (bajeezus he was so hot and I couldn't awkwardly sneak a picture) but he asked "So why did you go to Canada?" "Oh I'm moving to New York." (awkward silence) "Congrats. Why did you go to Canada?" "Oh. Right. I'm an idiot, ok, embarrassing, um, well, we went to Canada to see the falls but we're headed to New York because I'm moving there."  "Did you like the falls?" "Oh yeah they were great." "Did you buy anything?" "Just a starbucks mug!" (shows him the mug) "Really, that's nice, well roll down your back window, please-(rolls down window) ah, yes, you're not lying, or at least I really hope you are moving all that stuff. (as he sees that Pearl is literally spilling out with all of my belongings) Have a safe trip and welcome to New York."

We made it! Snap chat or it didn't happen!

Cue the music, Frank Sinatra sings it best, New York, New York, NEW YORK!

And off we went.

We finally got into Albany at around midnight but we made a quick stop to my new work just because it is the sole reason I made the move. Kinda felt like we were trespassing since it was so late but I figured I could have gotten out of any citation but just saying that I was almost an employee had Campus Police shown up. That sounds legit, right? Sure.

We stayed the night in the hotel that I stayed at when I had flown out for my on-campus interview and then early the next morning went to my new apartment in a suburb of the city. We get in, start moving some things, set up in the huge walk in closet I now have (the real reason I signed the lease, let's be honest) go shopping for some lamps and other little things you don't think of til you get into a new place and then drive around the city just checking it all out. As my furniture is coming later that week in a big old storage box, Sophie and I share my air mattress and sleep on the floor of my new/kinda smells weird but is cute and just the right size, apartment. In New York. Albany and not the Big Apple but it's still New York.

The next day we check out campus and Soph meets my new coworkers and we go to the book store before I have to take her to the airport.

You all know how that went. I'm crying just thinking about it. What the efff, Marissa Lynn, seriously should look into a way to deactivate my tear glands.

I'm crying, she starts to tear up and it's just a mess. I finally don't know what else to do and try to compose myself and leave with just shaking her hand and we let out a roar of laughter because we've been through way too much to say goodbye like that. I'm so thankful she came with me to make the move and we had a great time reminiscing, seeing the falls together and enjoying each other's company. It takes a lot to move someone 1000 miles away and there's no where else to go so you better like them at least for the majority of the ride. We actually had a bumpy start to our friendship. Sure we worked together and I invited her and the other GA's to join me on a lot of things but it really wasn't until there was a little bit of drama that we really bonded. It took some rumors and believe it or not, a boy in the middle of it all that made me confront what I thought was petty high school debauchery that was actually just your typical miscommunication. But because I was honest, and I wanted to make sure that any drama was going to be stopped in it's tracks, she came to respect me more and I her, and eventually led to us hanging out more, opening up more and the next thing I know we're running a half marathon together, studying together, taking a class together that I don't need at all, taking hikes together, going to the pool and tanning together, calling her at my first interview to practice my presentation while she's counting how many um's and likes and you know's I say, to crying over boyfriends and not really boyfriends but jerk you around boyfriends, to paying for her ticket from New York to Illinois so that she can spend even more time with me. Sometimes it's not how long someone has been in your life but how far they'll go for you. And it's been quite the adventure. Here's to more with her.

Half marathon. What in the world were we thinking.

We clean up nicely.

Adventure partners.

Friends are family you get to choose. <3

Good times with good friends. I miss you so much it hurts.

Don't kill me for this photo ;) 

And then I had to leave her and head back to my now very big and very empty apartment. Alone. I think I cried for the rest of the day.

But I'm doing better. I'm not crying anymore (at least this second) and some days are harder than others. My apartment has a bed and real furniture now and is so much cuter with my personal touches. Things are looking up. I'm excited for the future.

Niagara Falls just one more time. Because it's just too cool.

To be continued!

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It has been awhile and I want to talk about my trip out to New York with my friend, Sophie but tonight isn't that night. Nope. Next time. Maybe. Tonight's blog is about how hard it's been for me to transition.

It sucks. I have no friends and I know a whopping total of 8 people. There's only 9 people in the office I work in and that's including me. 8 seems like a lot, right? Wrong. They all have lives, families, their own friends and things to do. They're settled. Some are older, some are closer to my age but they're from here and have been here and I feel like I'm imposing myself by asking to hang out outside of work. So I workout at another gym but haven't worked up the courage to talk to anyone yet. And I work on my 750 piece puzzle because that's pretty much the only game you can play by yourself and not feel like your actually playing a game by yourself. I can't look at Yahtzee without wanting to cry. And I paint. I have a lot of new wall art and inspirational quotes. (thanks pinterest) And I buy used furniture from Craig's List and meet some very nice middle aged suburban soccer mom's and dad's. The highlight of my week other than absolutely dreading the weekends because I don't get to come to work then, is the Farmer's Market in Troy. It's lively and has bands and everything from fresh fruits and veggies to handmade pottery to cheese and fresh flowers and it's fun. But it's lonely.

I rarely feel un-alone (is that even a word?? probs not) and I keep telling myself that as soon as school starts it'll get better.

But it might not. I'll be busy but I don't have classes to meet and connect with people in. I don't have GA's who are my built-in posse. And when school starts there will be more people around but more people doesn't necessarily mean I'll make friends. And they're students, I'm not. I can connect and be a good boss/resource but no longer can I go and hang out or ask to go to the movies together or just grab lunch. And that really sucks.

I'm a 14 hour drive away from my closest living friend. And she's in the same time-zone. From my SIU friends, I'm not only an hour difference but a 19 hour drive too. I'm 2967 miles from my home town, my family.

That's a long ass way to get home.

I knew this when I accepted the position. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was fully aware that I was going somewhere far far away and that I wasn't going to be coddled at all. I'm here to work. and I like my job. I actually had a great meeting with some club members today and they were jazzed for the upcoming year and the changes and I'm jazzed too.

I love this field and I love what I have been doing. I'm going to love what I will do and I mean that. But I'm a social person and I have to turn the tv on when I'm home all the time now because I got used to having noise with a roommate and having friends who were constantly around me. It's just the QVC channel and I have almost been tempted to call and buy some stupid watch or purse but it's just the noise I crave and the distraction that makes me almost believe I'm not alone.

I'm not scared, I have a lock on my door and I'm surrounded by young families in the apartment complex who are all very nice but keep to themselves mostly and would immediately call the cops at any sign of danger or suspicious behavior. I was out doing laundry late one night and a young mom watched me from the window and then poked her head out and said that next time she would do her laundry with me just because she didn't want me to be out that late at night. So I'm safe and I feel safe.

But she and her husband have 2 young kids who play instruments and what do they have in common with a 23 year old single girl? Not much, other than the same need to laundry once a week. And I haven't seen her much since that night.

I finally had my first of I'm sure many break downs tonight. I pride myself on not getting very homesick. I studied abroad, twice. I moved away from home at 17 and haven't lived at home since. I moved across the country. twice. This shouldn't be that hard for me. I should be used to this by now. Why do I feel this way? It's frustrating and tiring and really hard to get over. I can't just go see anyone when I feel this way to make the feeling go away. Texts and phone calls help but only so much. And I know I'm already losing the people I love so much. If I haven't lost them already.

Accurate depiction of me right now. Ok I exaggerate. Slightly. I'll get over them. Maybe.

The thing is, I was so used to going to the next step, having a goal to meet, a timeline, a plan. Now my plan is to reevaluate my position here in about 2 or 3 years. 2 or 3. No definitive answer. No real end date. I technically don't have a next step to look forward to. No graduation to look forward to. No "Just get through this because it's all worth it" stepping stone like before. Just get through this quarter, just get through this remedial job, just get through this GA deal, just get through til you graduate....nope. Those stepping stones are technically done and I have 'made' it as a wage earner, a contributing adult in society who pays taxes (who the hell is FICA and why does he get all of my money anyway?!?) and a retirement plan. I think it was the retirement plan that really made my head spin. I physically got sick, puked my guts out (when I'm anxious this is normal. I give myself the flu. Cool, huh?) and called a friend. I couldn't be strong any more. I caved. I got home sick. I got friend sick.

I got my first pay check and it was SOOO small. UGHHH. I can't afford the hipster Farmer's market off that let alone a trip to Macy's!

I called my friend from college in Cali who is going to grad/dietician school in Tennessee. She's like me, went on a whim and good faith. But she gets it, she understands what it's like to leave what everyone thought was a good thing because we felt that there was something more, something better. And she played along while I tried to hide the fact that I was crying and sick and she told me all about her rotations in different hospitals and she nerded out over hypertension and other fancy doctor words and how she plans out meals for her patients and met the cutest 70 year old man who told her all he wanted to eat was chocolate pudding so she promised him that at breakfast he could have chocolate pudding because the man is 70 and has earned chocolate pudding for breakfast. Thanks, girl.

This is so me the last 3 months. I am my mother's daughter...sheesh. Crying over cute videos of puppies, what is wrong with me??

And I'm ok. I do have good friends. They just aren't here but they are good and they do love me. I just wish they all could come visit like right now right now and hug me but I'd settle just for a visit in the future (you know who you are). And I will find people here, eventually. I'm learning that some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever, and that's ok. I miss people more than they miss me but I kinda knew that would happen too. I'm not alright yet, but I'm ok. And I'm ok with just being ok. For now.

This. From you. Now. Right. Now.

Social media really can make a person long for what used to be and screws with people hard core. So I'm going to avoid it for awhile, or limit my time so I'm not such a nut case who gets sick just because of something on snap chat. (sadly, there isn't any amount of cold and flu meds that'll fix this stress sickness...thanks body)

I'll leave you with two good things though. It's my brother's birthday today. He turned 18. I still see him as the much shorter 12 year old boy when I left home at 17. But that was 6 years ago and he's much taller and gown up now. Weird. And my ex-roommate got his driver's license. How he passed, beats me. Just kidding, he was taught by the best, obvi.

Welcome to the adult world, brother. And welcome to the adult world of driving, roomie. And hello retirement plan at 23....whaaaa??? I wish I was this excited about being an adult.

I'll continue my story next time, so good night. To be continued.

The Adventure Never Stops

Hey Y'all,

I'm currently sitting in the Louisville airport headed back to Albany, New York after a very quick but great weekend spent in Kentucky to celebrate Kaylee's wedding! It's still such a concept to wrap my head around that almost 2 years ago she told me about how she got engaged while sitting together at midnight in the middle of a Steak and Shake restaurant and she hid her ring from me so that she could tell the story with the most dramatic flare that she could and then show me her ring as a surprise. We both have a little taste for exaggeration.

And now she's a wife. A beautiful bride and a beautiful ceremony that took me and my old coworkers to the southern parts of Kentucky to her and her husband's (gasp...she's MARRIED) home town of Somerset. It was all very much exactly how she wanted it to be and how she had described it and I couldn't be happier for her and Jay. After their honeymoon, the two will live in Lexington where Jay will finish out his schooling to be a Doctor of medicine and she recently got a job in Lexington as well. 

Doesn't that just sound like a dream? 

No, I'm not jealous this is their life for the next week...not at all. Have fun Kaylee and Jay!

Gosh dangit, everyone can stop growing up and getting their lives all situated now! I changed my mind I don't want to be an adult!

As much as I do want to talk about the wedding and how it was mostly family and us friends from grad school, and how we were the only ones on the dance floor and everyone said we had the accents, not the other way around and how one of the groomsman started to hit on my very un-single friend so we were going to pretend to be lesbian lovers (since we basically are..totally joking! But it was our on-going joke since we have slept in the same bed more times in the past month than she has even seen her boyfriend so take that how you will) but since we were in the south we figured that would maybe not be a joke to be taken lightly (and probably anger an otherwise un-bridezilla like bride) I want to finish up my summer time adventure stories. (Kaylee, you'll be on your honeymoon anyway so the timing is perfect)

The last real week of my time in Carbondale was a very special time for me. I will think of it fondly and those who helped make it special for me. I got the chance to say good bye to my old office and bosses and coworkers. My director was complimentary and assured me that I could always reach out if I needed them. And then I said good bye to Lane, my direct supervisor, boss. I went in knowing full well that I was going to cry like a baby but tried really hard not too. Shocker. I cried. And he told me some last advice and that he was proud of me and to go spread my wings. 

Cue all of the emotions like ever just come gushing out. Ugh.

Don't do it!! Hold it together! 

I about fell to the floor, how was I supposed to navigate being a professional without him? It will be very hard to not hold any future boss to his level. We learned a lot together and he welcomed me as one of his own family and I will forever be appreciative of that. I was able to count on him when I made mistakes or needed help but knew that he would always have my back to let me take on new responsibilities and try things out on my own and he let me fail a few times. But he was always there when I had problems. He was understanding when I needed to take time off for me and was there for me when I got broken into. He was much more than just a boss who I only saw behind a desk. I worked hard for him to make sure I never let him down. That’s the sign of a good leader, someone who you want to work for and not just go through the motions. 

I left the Rec Center, my home of the past two years and it was a very surreal and very scary moment. Everyone said that I was ready and that I was prepared because of what the Rec had taught me but was that the case? Guess we’ll have to wait and find out for sure. 

That weekend was the 4th of July and I spent the 4th with my Rec friends hiking and swimming in lakes and rivers. Than we went to a neighboring town to watch fireworks and had a little picnic while celebrating America’s birthday with explosives and wine. It was perfect. I got covered in mosquito bites and we swam in dirty lake water but it was refreshing and care free. I was with people who are genuine and real. They made me feel apart of their clan, accepted and appreciated for being nothing other than me. And it was the perfect little ending to my time in Carbondale, as I had started my journey with the GA’s on a camping retreat on that same lake 2 years before. Same place, same lake, but a completely different girl.

We were forced into working together, being Graduate Assistants and thus we had no choice but to have a relationship, albeit it could have been just work but I was fortunate enough to become really great friends with all of the GA’s. And I hope to stay in touch.

Pull yourself together, Woman!!

I spent Sunday cleaning my apartment and finishing packing my last few things. I ended up tossing a bunch of stuff since if it didn’t fit in Pearl, my little car, it wasn’t coming. And one by one, my friends who were still around all stopped by to help pack a little but mostly just to be with me and chat, get our last good byes. We reminisced and laughed and I tried not to cry. I made it til they left and then would lose it and would have to do it all over again. I didn’t know a human being could make so many tears, it’s so exhausting. 

One person said they would come back and say good bye but this good bye was going to be the hardest. But they never did. 

I can’t lie, this hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I waited and worried and then I got deeply sadden because I realized all I wanted was to just be with that one person. Out of all my friends and people that I cared about I just wanted to sit in my empty living room and laugh with them like we had so many other times before. I felt very alone and realized that I would have to get used to that feeling in New York. This was my reality. They didn’t want to be with me. Maybe because it was too hard or because they were busy, or couldn’t be bothered. And then I got mad and when I did see them, it wasn’t pretty.

I wish I could go back and not drive off like I did. I wish we could remember why we fought and I miss them too much to be mad anymore. But I hope they know that I wish they were right here and that we were all good and playing yahtzee. I hope they know I’ll never forget them as long as I live. They always knew how to push my buttons and they gave me everything and nothing but we always seemed to work it out. But when it mattered, and I wished they would have been there, they weren’t. And so, I guess that’s where wishing gets me. Watching Criminal Minds reruns, drinking wine, blogging and missing people I shouldn't. Living the dream, I am, living the dream.

*drinks more wine*

The only thing left to do was grab my friend Sophie and make our way to Albany, New York. So we headed up to Detroit to stay with a friend before driving through Canada just to say we did to go through Niagara Falls the following day. The first day of driving was less than spectacular. We saw a lot of the corn fields of Illinois and Indiana. I’ll show you what about 499 of the 500 miles we drove through looked like…

So. Much. Corn. CORN EVERYWHERE

Yeah… it’s super boring but we had the radio and she had to drive partly because my eyes were watering from allergies…*coughcough yeah sure “allergies” cough* It kinda all hit me as we left the state of Illinois and I didn't know when and if I would ever be back to that state. And then we drove next to a corn field and the allergies hit me like a ton of bricks.

But we finally got to Detroit and got to visit with an old friend and see how he has his life all together with his big boy job and his own little bachelor pad. But because it was the middle of the week our stay was short and we had to leave early in the morning as he had the big boy job to go to.

And I’ll write about our second day of traveling and the epic-ness of Niagara Falls!

To be continued!